Home > WWE Johnny Awards 2009 > The Commentfest for Raw 12/14/09

The Commentfest for Raw 12/14/09

This is the Commentfest for Raw from last night from my friends on Facebook.com/thejohnreport. I usually include it in the Raw Deal, but I was short on time and we got a record number of posts in Commentfest with over 1700. I just didn’t have the time do it. I don’t think this will happen again although maybe it will on a 3 hour Raw. Those take a lot out of me. To make it up for you, I put in more comments than ever before. Enjoy.

Note: The comments of my Facebook friends are in green. The comments in regular font are my comments responding to them where I felt it was needed.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages John Canton proudly brings to you this fucking funny festival of comments also known as COMMENTFEST!!!! So get your vintage ~serious voices and your glowsticks ready cause its time for the best part of Monday Night Raw… cue COMMENTFEST (Next time capitalize SERIOUS VOICES~! like that, but otherwise good intro. I feel ready.)

I hope Dennis Miller dose not screw up Raw like he did Monday Night Football. (Hey, come on now. You should know that Raw’s writing team can screw up Raw just fine on their own.)

How do they put together Guest Host Titantron’s so quickly? WWE is the best at that kind of stuff.

Oh sweet jeezus, it’s the 5 time 5 time 5 time 5 time 5 time Emmy Award Winning Dennis Miller and he’s been only on for 2 minutes and I already need Jericho to decipher half the shit he is saying.

This is gonna be a LOOOOONG night. lol (This was after his first joke bombed and it turned out to be a very accurate statement too.)

Gee, a guest host’s humor met with dead silence from the crowd. SHOCKING.

Let us never EVER see Cheney’s head on Shawn Michaels’ body. If Shawn wasn’t a Republican, he’d probably be PISSED.

Wait who is getting boo’d???? Obama or Cena???? They both suck!

God, kill me. I love Miller, but I would rather hear micheal cole scream “vintage” in my ear than this. (Oh you’ll get your wish.)

I don’t want to go off on a rant here, but, IT’S NOT THAT FUNNY, COLE. IT’S NOT THAT FUNNY.

Jillian looks good enough to rufie.

Rtruth is my hero for saying that.

Is it to late to vote for the person who needs knocked the fuck out? (Yes, but keep notes for next year’s Johnnys.)


Jericho will never be on raw again…except right now…

Jerishow gets the tag team of the year and John Canton gets nickname of the year at the same time!!! (I want cash, no checks. Straight cash homey.)

Well-deserved self-thank you, Jericho. *claps* (I agree. He should always thank himself.)

Good work Jericho. Sew the seeds for Wrestlemania match with Edge. (If he’s healthy. If not, it’ll be Hornswoggle.)

So John C., how do you feel about your awards being ripped off by the WWE?

“Retain……retain? (regain) regain! He’s the smart one.”

Jerishow makes an awesome duo…fuck Batman and Robin…Jericho and Show are my superheroes. (Thanks for posting, Bruce Wayne.)

Even the way michael cole looks at the camera with a pen in his hand annoys me. (See that, another reason why he’s a KTFO Johnny Award winner.)

“The Guyanese Goliath” = Best nickname since…ever?

Mickie James-Canton for diva of the year! (This was pretty random and well before she even appeared, but I like it random things sometimes. It makes the cut due to the exclamation point selling your excitement.)


“Come on Bill.” Christian rules!

Kane and Khali: NOT next years Tag Team of the Year.

..God…DAMN…it…I though were rid of Khali for a lot longer — and wasn’t Khali out because of Kane?? I thought we had a good couple of weeks of continuity going here — FUCK!!

Now that makes no sense… Kozlov uses his head as his battering ram finisher, but one Khali chop puts him down? So much for continuity… oh year that’s right… sorry WWE for thinking again… (You apologized, so you are forgiven. Never think again.)


The Great Collie should start a new gimmick where Khali thinks he’s Lassie. (Kids love Lassie.)

Tiffany’s pretty hot. And Teddy, you need to stop doing that dance. More and more, it’s starting to look like you are about 3 shuffles away from a seizure.

Wow. Tiffany has a sweet ass. Make her a manager/wrestler and I claim her. Ah hell, Tiffany is mine even though I don’t watch ECW! (I’m sure she’s flattered.)

“WWE builds on new stars.” Really? Have they seen a Raw or PPV main event?

Wow Tiffany can I inspect those air bags for safety reasons? (She has a really nice photo shoot on WWE.com that features those chesticles of hers. Not that I would look at another woman. Don’t tell Mickie.)

It’s a shame.. this award shouldn’t be called the breakout superstar of the year… it should be the bullshit award of the year…. John, please go present your awards this year… hell, I’ll even try to get Mickie James-Canton to be your co-host… (I don’t know what to say. Thanks?)

UR NEVER GETTING IT BACK!…DUAGHUGHGUH! (Thanks for posting, closed caption guy.)

Kofi looks like Allen Iverson! (I bet they all look the same to you, eh Costanza?)


Just for telling Sharpton and Piven to suck it, Dennis Miller is my new hero. Besides Santino.

Yes, matt striker, evan bourne is chronically high. Luckily for him its only a fine for smoking weed.

Good, I thought we were in the Twilight Zone when Evan came out for the predictable “It ended in DQ but now it’s a tag team” match…but lo and behold, jobbed again. All is right in Dubya-Dubya-Eee Land. (They’re consistent, aren’t they?)

Every time I hear crossroads, I think Bone Thugs ‘n’ Harmony will come out… (See you at the crossroad…I liked that song.)

“And that’s funny because Vickie is, uh, slightly overweight.” AWESOME!

Here comes Mr. Mackey…”Drugs are bad mmmkay.” (South Park references = win.)

cm punk’s beard is fantastic. it’s an inspiration to men everywhere. also helps his heel character too.

Will someone shut that 13 year old screaming girl up?

Anyone else think Cena’s shirt looks from a far like the Captain Crunch cereal logo? (He wishes. And it’s Cap’n anyway!)

Where’s Kelly Kelly? I voted for her. (There’s the Kelly Kelly guy.)

Ok, SuperCena beats Punk in 3 minutes???? DID I HEAR SOMEONE SAY 3 MINUTES?????

Holy fucking fucktastic fucks, Punk jobbed in even less time during THIS “special” episode of Raw than the last one!


That was a classic example of company man vs non-company man. That’s why you should know your role and act like a good boy Punk. (I think Cena laughed at him because he doesn’t have to follow the dress code.)

That bitch crying made my night and I don’t even dislike Cena.

That bitch in the audience screaming her head off it really annoying. “OH BIG SHOW! WILL YOU PLEASE KNOCK HER THE FUCK OUT?!?!”

I believe in Santa more than I believe in Cena. (Thanks for posting, Adam Sandler. He’s Jewish, so it makes it even funnier.)

hi. im john cena. i talk in a whisper to get your attention but slowly i start to Get Louder Until I AM SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS AND THE CROWD FOLLOWS AND I GO CRAZY But Then I Get Serious And then walk away. good night. (I loved that. Won’t even correct the grammar.)

OH NO!!!! Super Cena winning every match? That’s just going to piss me off to the highest degree….

I heard Jack Swagger make a similar remark a few weeks ago, Mr. Cheyna. How’d that work out for him? (He’s still trying to figure out what gym HHH trains at.)

What Cena really said: until I get the belt back I will squash every wrestler I face and will continue to no sell everything! Fuck you commentfest!

Hulk Hogan, even when telling us to take our vitamins, was never as cheesy and stomach churning as John Cena….just a note to WWE management before the 2010 PPV season, adults purchase PPV’s, not kids. (What about Mr. America!?)

“The Show” Triple H. He’ll be debuting next week against Evan Brawn.

The Show? It’s all about The Show? And how you play it? Yeah not so much. (Motorhead is recording that song right now.)

HA HA! THE GAME! Making sure Dennis Milburn got burned for introducing him the wrong way… SLAMMY for best burn!

Oh nooo, HHH just got compared to the Big Show…Looks like Hunter the McMahon Family Avenger needs to lose a few huh? I can see Shawn Michaels starting to wear Piggy H shirts.

So where is the Undertaker at to aceept his award? Is he doing it via satellite from the grave?

Shawn.. Just be champion already and shut up..

I don’t want to see it because HBK can’t lose 2 years in a row to Taker like that. And Taker can’t lose his streak.

YES!! ONE MORE TIME!! YOU WILL WIN SHAWN!! YOU WILL WIN!!! (Thanks for posting, excitable mark.)

Good thing they started Taker’s entrance at 9:26, that way by the time both he and Orton make it down to the ring there will be 10 minutes left in the broadcast.

VINTAGE undertaker….8:31 cst.

VINTAGE @ 9:31 EST…and King calling him out on it…Brilliant!!

Vintage Striker making fun of vintage.

Orton/Cena 58: This is for blood!, and Superstar of the Year! (Except if it was really for blood they’d have to rush out some EMTs to cover it up.)

Vinnie Mac giving Dennis Miller comedy advice…priceless.

VINTAGE Vince strut. Epic wrap it up music for Dennis Miller.

Vince making fun of the crowd for being dead. MAYBE YOUR PRODUCT SUCKS! (Thanks for posting, Linda McMahon.)

LMFAO! What a Lousy Audience! Audience consider urselves PWN3D!

Bob barker vs. Jericho WRESTLEMANIA 26. (Yes, with Jericho wearing his name tag.)

Your idea? Storyline wise didn’t Trump institute this thing? Oh crap he’s awaaaaakeeee!

Does Bob Barker think this is a serious award? And he called them “wrestlers”….I thought they were “sports entertainers”? (Old people don’t know. Just smile and nod.)

McIntyre=HHH 2.0, Miz=Jericho 2012, Striker=commentator of the future..remember, the prophesy was given here, on COOOOMMMEEENNNNTTTT FESSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTT!!!! (Poor Drew. Vince doesn’t have any other daughters…that we know of.)


If Bret Hart hosts Raw, Raw gets a 10!!!


FUCK YEAH ILL BE INTERESTED IN BRET!!! (I think there’s interest from this comments and the 20 or so other ones.)

ROFL. Dennis Miller just totally OWNED Vince. Live. Cut his mic Vince! CUT IT!

WTF, Bob Barker didn’t remind us to spay and neuter our pets… I’m disappointed.

I don’t think Dennis Miller is cognizant of the fact that SHUTUP JERICHO IS AWESOME YOU ASS

Jericho is not the black hole! He is the guiding light to the evolution of the human species! Jericho is a supernova! Now Dennis Miller, you’re the epitome of the collapse of the space-time continuum.


Did you hear that?? They’re FINALLY doing the Little People Court segment next week! Way to put over those tag belts, guys!!

Well played DX. never thought i would say that about them and creative….

Vintage screwjob!!! NO!!!!! No more Jericho on Raw?

If anyone thinks there is an snowballs chance in hell that Jerishow regains the gold you ar crazy…oh wait, i didn’t even finish typing this and the match is over!! Vintage Vince booking!!

Vintage DX Jobbers!!!! Hell the Hurricane actually blends in!

Thank God Jericho is off Raw. Now I can stop watching this crap. (Devoted fan right there!)

I want in the Raw Deal… Mickie James-Canton FTW! (remember i tweeted her) (Sucking up usually works well.)

If Jericho is outta here, so is my home in the Neilsen number.

Never were truer words spoken, Chris Jericho saying “YOU NEED ME!” (I once had an ex-girlfriend say that to me after I broke up with her. Now I write wrestling columns. Maybe she was right! See, I even make fun of myself.)

So the first thing that happens on Raw without Jericho is Orton vs Cena. That matchup seems stale… Oh wait, isn’t that why we had Jericho on Raw for the last 4 months? Shoot. (Thanks for posting Raw Writing Team). (Wow, you busted out a vintage John Canton “oh wait” and Thanks for posting… in the same comment? *APPLAUSE*)


Titty Dance…YES. (Also a man.)

TITTY DANCE~! (You know, I can’t give the ~! to that thing. I did last week. I can’t do it again. It’s just wrong. Too wrong.)

When are Masters and Carlito gonna get a rematch with Kane and Big Show from WM21?

Eve! Eve! Eve! She`s mine! and yes Carlito she can do it!

Accepting the award on his behalf…his probation officer!

Matt always the bridesmaid never the bride.

Yes Carlito!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus fuck, did he say Team Jacob? Goddamn it!

Stryker…this is more like the Source awards…that’s fucking funny.

Vintage racism by Matt Stryker w/ his Source Awards comment. (I’m sure Vince had no idea what he meant.)


…Ok, I’m done now.

Way to be Family Friendly, WWE. You take a guy who’s in court for possession of illegal substances and you award him. Bravo *applauds* (They’re sophisticated.)

LOL Marine 2 straight to DVD FTL!

Miz is the new synonym for awesome..Own it..Be it.

Tuesday Night Delight/ Yoshi (the next Taka)/ and KOOL AID

This six man tag is between Mr. Awesome, a metrosexual, and some generic guy who stole a title vs. Mr. Slowmo, Kaientai’s understudy and the Koolaid man… Oh no!!


Wow, Styker w/ “who’s in the mood for Kool-Aid”..He’s def a fan of the CommentFest!

Ok, we KNOW they read your blogs John… Stryker just said who wants Kool-Aid….. can you be technically be paid as a writer for WWE since they are stealing all of yours/our material????? WTF??? (Vince pays me $20,000 per week. Happy now?)

Somebody’s gonna get their thirst quenched… OH YEAH! OH YEAH!

woowoowoo job. (You know it.)


I think I just found out why I bought a big screen… (This wasn’t for Big Dick Johnson, for the record.)

Can I be the official commentfest beth stalker? I would do terrible things to her…… or maybe she would do terrible things to me. Either way IM DOWN! (I love how people ask to be a stalker. I don’t think stalkers are that polite.)

Here Comes the Diva of the Year, Mickie James-Canton!!Congratulations John, you must be VERY proud!!

Of course they come out to MJC’s music… it’s all because WWE reads TJR.

Wait, Roberts messed up. It’s Mickie James-Canton, not Mickie James.

Canton has officially stopped watching MNF…at least for the next 5 min. (I was watching MNF, but once I knew the Cards weren’t covering I switched to Raw, so I watched this live.)

WOW! Since when did Big Bird dye his feathers black? Oh wait that’s Michelle McCool.

Gentlemen and boys aged 13 and up, itttttttttttttttttts FUNBAG TIME!!!!!!! And we have a special guest appearance by Mickie James-Canton.


Major Burn from Matt Striker! Maria is wearing *Insert French Name Here* Gail Kim is wearing *insert french name here* and I believe Mickie James is wearing TJ Maxx. Damn! Rude as hell. (He is pretty heelish tho.)

This brings me back to the good old days when Mickie wore skirts when she wrestled. (Oh, those skirts. So short. So fantastic. Oh, memories.)

What would John do right now if King called MJ Mickie James-Canton? I shutter to think. (I wouldn’t mind if she called herself that.)

I bet MVP thought he got away from all the freaks when he got out of prison.

PMS? I dont see Jacqueline or Terri anywhere!? 0_o

She hasn’t been on in forever–how did Maria score Diva of the year?!

How did Maria beat out Mickie James Canton when Maria was out for half the year????

Let it be known here tonight that Mickie James-Canton was robbed.

Apparently that ziggler storyline was a big winner. (Ha. That made me LOL.)


What the fuck — he’s escorted out by two of the park rangers from Yogi Bear cartoons??

This the most clothes Batista has ever worn around the Divas.

Maria: Not on TV all year … No major feud to note … yeah, sure, Diva of the year … Did she do another Playboy shoot that I missed or something? Or did she just sleep with Batis— hey, speak of the devil!

Ever since i can remember i been poppin’ my colla….poppin’ poppin’ my colla. Batista you ARE a troglodyte. (I like that song.)


Big Dick Johnson. Way to keep it PG. Good luck Linda.

Ok, Tony Atlas vs Michael Cole in an exaggerated laughing contest…. GO!!! (I pick Tony.)


This whole award should go to the Commentfest Army…. Tittie Dance, HBK kicks the girl, Vintage….



FUCK! See ya later, anyone know the Monday night score?? (Thanks for posting, JR.)


The ERA of VINTAGE!!!!

I think the most frightening thing yet is that Cole’s speech actually had me laughing. I love this vintage shit lol.

Michael Cole is the star of the night. Please.

Vintage!!! I guess they do read your column John. THE ERA OF VINTAGE HAS BEGUN.

Okay……Vintage is officially here to stay…to all commentfesters and to John Canton….This is indeed a special moment…..We have won our own Slammy! (With a tear in my eye, this is the greatest moment of my life. Get the reference?)

The DX Snuggle….wow. Really? Without Shawn’s great comedic timing these skits would be AWFUL. Lol @ “It’s me getting beat up AGAIN!”

So I’m supposed to believe that this DX/Hornswoggle segment holds more quality than anything involving Chris Jericho? (And now DX, especially HHH, can be on Smackdown too! Ugh – that’s for HHH.)

JOHN-NY DA-MON ::clap clap clap clap clap::

Ah damn Cole is back, he’s like a bad zit that won’t pop…Vintage Fucking Annoying

I love new main event matches …..errr……

So, where are the viper wristbands at? I betcha they will sell millions…


Cole obviously read the Johnny awards and is beyond offended. Way to go John! (I gave him the KNOCK THE FUCK OUT~! award!)

Now that was awesome!!!! Orton is my hero… do it again! Do it again!

So Cena was just about dead about a minute ago, but now he’s all hyped the hell up. Wassupwitdat?

If John Cena won’t lose a match until he wins the WWE title that means what next week? (It means they have no idea what they’re doing next week. Stop thinking.)

SuperCena wins again. Thus the least popular face of the franchise in WWE history wins an award he doesn’t deserve. The criteria for the award should include selling, talent, good promos, and actually faltering now and then. KTFO to SuperCena! Y2J!

Cole oversells everything….. Cena no-sells everything….. We need a happy medium Vinny Mac, how about Bret Hart?

Wait so Cena had trouble beating Orton all those other times, but defeated him in less than 10 mins, did he just go Super Sayian Cena?

I know it is beating a dead horse, but how can WWE assume all of its audience doesn’t remember jackshit? 1. No mention of Orton-Undertaker’s past fued; 2. No mention of Trump being the one who instituted the guest host concept; 3. Bret Hart’s last appearance in WWE was at the Hall of Fame induction – not Bret Screwed Bret. It is one thing for my wife to treat me like a retard, but it is quite another to be treated like that by a TV show. (Key to a happy marriage is the truth!)

1700 comments? Good luck John. (That’s what she said.)

Did anyone else want Big Dick Johnson to do the peck dance like I did? (Nope, just you, Vince McMahon.)

Thanks as always. You guys and gals do a great job.

  1. Chris Greene
    December 15, 2009 at 11:09 PM

    I just wanted to comment on CommentFest. Spectacular, as always.

  2. Adam Neal
    December 16, 2009 at 12:35 AM

    Okay……Vintage is officially here to stay…to all commentfesters and to John Canton….This is indeed a special moment…..We have won our own Slammy! (With a tear in my eye, this is the greatest moment of my life. Get the reference?)
    Thanks for posting, Ric.

  3. JFS
    December 16, 2009 at 12:54 AM

    I don’t wanna be THAT guy … but Masters and Carlito fought Kane and Show at Wrestlemania 22, not Wrestlemania 21.

    So .. yeah. That dude was wrong.

    • December 16, 2009 at 12:22 PM

      I forgot the match even took place and I feel better for that.

  4. Daniel Hutchinson
    December 16, 2009 at 12:59 AM

    Nice, nine of my comments made it to the CommentFest post! I almost feel like I’ve accomplished something. :) Keep up the good work, John.

  5. Paul Lenkic
    December 16, 2009 at 7:02 AM

    “With a tear in my eye, this is the greatest moment of my life”.


  6. December 16, 2009 at 8:31 AM

    Excellent reference to Flair’s speech after the 1992 Royal Rumble. Now that I think about it, I could really use an Executive Consultant.

  7. Priceless
    December 16, 2009 at 9:24 AM

    I have to say, I like Commentfest as a -separate- article from the Raw Report. Not that it isn’t funny or worth reading, but it’s easier to process in digestible chunks, and not in one monster-sized lump of an article, you know?

    • December 16, 2009 at 12:23 PM

      You may be right. I might do it like this all the time. I’m not sure yet.

  8. Trevor
    December 16, 2009 at 10:08 AM

    LMAO at Batista being escorted out by park rangers from Yogi Bear!!

    • December 16, 2009 at 12:27 PM

      Ha yeah, that was a great comment.

  9. Tabitha
    December 16, 2009 at 11:47 AM


    So glad to know I wasn’t the one permanently annoyed by the screamer in the crowd.

    I’d also like to thank John Chayna as I got alot of housework done during his speech.

    • December 16, 2009 at 12:28 PM

      The screamer annoyed me so much. It’s probably why I didn’t go to a WWE show in 2009 for the first time in my life. Too many screaming girls. They ruin it. I miss the days of the smartass crowd where we’d heckle all night.

  10. Michael
    December 16, 2009 at 12:05 PM

    best comment of the night? Super Sayian Cena. love DBZ references. grew up watching that

    • December 16, 2009 at 12:24 PM

      I don’t know DBZ references. I just found it funny.

  11. Cam
    December 17, 2009 at 4:07 PM

    fuck i need to start joining in on commentfest. i almost fucking pissed my pants when john said “(he’s still trying to figure out what gym triple h works out at)”

    • December 17, 2009 at 6:51 PM

      Ha. I made the joke last week too. I think whenever I see somebody mention Swagger I will continue to make the joke as long as it’s funny.

  12. Paul
    December 18, 2009 at 4:05 PM

    Love reading commentfest, just wish i had Sky(live in UK) so i could join in the comments myself. I have to watch on youtube so dont get to see it till about 2pm british time.

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