Home > General Wrestling, TNA, wwe > Christmas Gifts to Wrestlers From My Friends and I…

Christmas Gifts to Wrestlers From My Friends and I…

I’m strapped for time this week (combination of work plus family commitments), so I asked my friends on Facebook, the crazy group of people responsible for Commentfest, to come up with present suggestions that we want to give WWE and other wrestling performers during this holiday season. I’ve come up with ten of my own. The first ten are mine. After the line break, the comments are coming from the Facebook friends.

My 10 Christmas presents are going to…

Shawn Michaels – One more WWE or World title run because nobody deserves it more than you.

Mickie James – Anything you want, seriously. I hope you don’t leave the business as rumored because you are definitely a favorite of mine, but if you did I’d support you. Considering the lame storyline you’re involved in now I don’t think anybody would blame you for leaving. Additionally, I think you’re really hot. Don’t change who you are. Also, bonus points for not being pissed at me for calling you Mickie James-Canton. Can I suck up more? Yes, I can!

Chris Jericho – Another year in the world title picture. The tag run was fun, but you’re the best and you need to be recognized for that.

Triple H – A heel turn, please.

Michael Cole – Some direction from Vince McMahon & company that doesn’t make you sound like a complete douchebag. And if not, a legit KNOCK THE FUCK OUT~! punch from Big Show would do.

John Cena – Less written promos from the writers and more promos where you speak to the crowd in a manner that actually sounds like you. You’re a lot better than those writers make you sound.

The Raw Writing Team – The ability to book midcard matches that last longer than three minutes. Watch Smackdown to get an idea of how to do it.

Bret Hart – A successful and prosperous return to the company that you once loved so much. You deserve to go out on your terms in your own way. I hope it happens for you.

Jim Ross – Good health. Your voice is missed dearly. Please come back soon.

Guest Hosts – Take the time to at least try to learn the names of the performers. It’s not that hard, really.

Those are mine.

—————

These are coming from the friends on Facebook. I will add comments in brackets.

They’re giving Christmas presents…

To John Cena, a Hollywood leg drop to add in into your boring spots.

To Michael Cole – Some VINTAGE wine.

To Shelton Benjamin – A idiots guide to MIC SKILLS by The Rock.

To Vince – Heyman’s guide to a better product.

To HHH – a fresh set of dummy’s to throw out of his pram when he don’t get his own way with daddy-in-law…

To The Undertaker – roller skates. (Quite the visual!)

To John Canton: Mickie James Forever and ever. (Winner so far!)

To chavo, evan bourne, mvp and swagger – a contract for TNA….they may get used a lot better?

To AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Daniels, Kurt Angle and the Motor City Machine Guns a WWE Contract.

To Sheamus – Some gum to get that Triple H taste out of your mouth.

To Sheamus-A bottle of Vitamin D capsules.

To Hornswoggle – Well in his future endeavors. (Ha. Clever.)

To vinnie mac, the writers and announcers that they really, really need…A FUCKING CLUE!

To myself…..a 3 hour DVD of nothing but Shelton Benjamin matches

To John Canton – A legion of sycophantic Facebook followers. What? I can’t believe you already have that!!! (Troglodytes or Sychophants. Either one is acceptable.)

To the Raw writing team: The ability to admit they steal from Commentfest.

To Ted Jr and Randy Orton: Those Helmets that DX had with the wipers on them, so they can safely talk to Cody.

To John Cena: A long vacation so that when you come back, maybe fans will care about you.

To CM Punk – cigarettes and jack daniels.

To hornswoggle – a leprechaun-english dictionary

To Edge…..a SPEEDY recovery!

To Shelton Benjamin, Rey Mysterio and John Morrison – the Chris Jericho guide to being great on the mic and not just in the ring.

To the heel Divas: Different personalities for each of you. Except Maryse, you’re ok.

To Jay Lethal: A time machine to go back to Nash’s X-Division tournament and say no to the Macho Man gimmick.

To Kofi Kingston…..he already dropped the accent now how about dropping the Aldo Montoya colored outfits. Not LITERALLY mind you. You….you know what I mean.

To Shelton Benjamin – A personality and/or his mom back.

To Evan Bourne: stilts

To Michael Cole: a vintage chair to the head.

To the shockmaster – a time machine to redo his debut….

To John Morrison – A Wrestlemania Match against HBK.

To Jeff Hardy – A boxset of The Wire so he can figure out how to hide his stash properly.

To Chavo – Induction into the Hall of Fame for being related to Eddie and putting up with the worst booking ever.

To the Hart Dynasty – Chris Jericho as the leader of their Canadian Stable. (Yes please!)

To Stone Cold – The ability to have one more great match.

The Rock – The inclination to have it with him.

To Bret Hart: that 20-year contract Vince promised back in 1996.

To Hulk Hogan, an addiction hotline. That being to the spotlight!

To Mickie James – throw Layla & Michelle McCool into a hog pen.

To Vince – read a joke book for kids, they are funnier than his.

To Ken Anderson – Randy Orton’s head on a plate.

To Hogan – my respect because no one else seems to give him it, not realizing that if it wasnt for him, we very well may not be posting about mainstream wrestling at this moment.

To Vickie G – every cosmetic surgery procedure imaginable.

To Chris Jericho – A one-year title reign ending at WM 27 in an epic match

To the WWE in general – a TV14 rating again :'(

To Bill Goldberg: A CD recording of Kyle Brofloski’s “A Lonely Jew on Christmas.” (Maybe the best Christmas song ever.)

To Stephanie McMahon – A divorce lawyer!

To the RAW writing team – John C. (Hmmm.)

To Jericho- A classroom, so he can teach some of these younger guys how to be the best!

To All WWE Announcers: WWE Record Books, so they don’t keep telling us people are wrestling for the first time ever, when they’ve actually wrestled loads of times before!!

To Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam – A brand new Bong.

To Big Dick Johnson – a lifetime supply of NutriSystem.

To Drew McIntyre, some personality.

To Eric Escobar, erm, who was I talking about…., aaahh who cares??

To Cody Rhodes and Jack Swagger a thesaurus with out any words that have the letter S in it.

To TNA – Glade, to get rid of that old man smell in the locker room.

To that hot Goth chick in TNA – a WWE contract so she can grace my television. (Daffney?)

To Jericho – Connecting with a Lionsault and a new feud. (Ha, he almost never hits that move, eh?)

To Raw writing team – links to Commentfest or ppl’s create a story on the new videogame

To John C. – MJC (Everybody that posted something like that makes it in. I’m biased.)

To the Divas – The smart and powerful parts that you’re supposed to have.

To Abraham Washington: Tony Atlas membership to the future endeavors club.

To Ric Flair: A time machine and a lawyer who drafts a good pre-nup

To Primo- An actual match where he doesn’t get attacked on the way to the ring

To Dolph Ziggler – Kenny, Johnny, Mikey, and Mitch.

To Hulk Hogan – A weekend off, some tanning lotion, and Brooke in a bikini… Oh, wait, he’s had that too.

To Luke Gallows – the drugs back.

To Zack Ryder – the other half of his tights.

To Charlie Hass – bring back the gimmick gimmick. I miss The Great Charlie.

To Chris Jericho – Creative Control over Raw.

To all WWE Writers – A complete anthology of the History of WWE for continuity purposes.

To Primo – An on air “apology” from Carlito so we can have the Colons back. Or a trade to Smackdown so he can tag with his old partner Escobar.

To Chris Jericho: A world without Wrestlemania X8.

Vince McMahon: A spot on the Springfield Retirement Castle.

To Jeff Hardy – clean piss. (I know a guy who knows a guy that can have that arranged. Just call this number and he’ll take care of it.)

To Bret Hart – an “It’s a Wonderful Life” style run-through of the couple of years after he left the WWE and a second chance to reconsider.

To MJC – Velvet Sky’s ring attire….and entrance. (I probably wouldn’t be able to type if that happened, for the record.)

To Tony Atlas – “The Hangover” and every other comedy DVD so to make sure that he never quits laughing.

To Jeff Hardy – a ‘get out of jail free’ card, think he may need it!

To John Canton: Mickie James-Canton on more than just Twitter. (I think we have a new winner!)

To John Morrison: who wins the Royal Rumble and shows he can make that next step up but gets the torch from the man whom he is the “next” version of.

To Randy Orton: a psychiatrist for all those damn voices.

To Shane McMahon: his rightful spot in the WWE front offices.

To The Commentfest: better shows and less stupid humor so we can really come into our own.

To Hulk Hogan & Eric Bischoff: The Rise and Fall of WCW DVD, so maybe they’ll remember that what they about to do, they’ve done already – run a fine wrestling organization into the ground.

To Michael Cole – VINTAGE clothes, VINTAGE comic books, VINTAGE cd’s, VINTAGE, VINTAGE, VINTAGE. Sorry vintage overload.

To Tyson Kidd – A Mirror. He always seems to miss a spot when cutting his hair.

To Cody Rhodes & Jack Swagger – Speech Therapy Classes With The Ultimate Warrior.

To Hulk Hogan – Cyanide.

To the tag team division – the greatest tag team champs of all time…THE SPIRIT SQUAD!!!

To: Vince and his whole writing staff – A TV 14 rating.

To Hornswoggle: a voice. And maybe some self-respect. I mean, a leprechaun? Really??

To Orton / Legacy: The ability to stay out of each other’s personal space. Either that or a piece of mistletoe so they can just “get it over with” and not feel so funny about it.

To Sheamus – a coupon for any tanning bed for 5 yrs and some rest for his lips away from HHH azz.

To Jack Swagger – A trade to Smackdown where he can actually have a career…. See More

To the WWE universe: Divas that not only look good, but know how to wrestle.

To HHH – a coupon, buy two quad reparing surgeries, get one free!

To Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler MVP and all other underused talent: We wish you “the best in all future endeavors.” (It might happen for some of them early in 2010, so I hear.)

To WWE – A decision by Lita and Trish Stratus to return so that they can fire more Divas and get some talent in a two belt division.

And that’s that. Happy Holidays.

If you want to add some of your own below, feel free to reply and go for it.

See ya tomorrow for an abbreviated version of the Raw Deal.

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  1. Anonymous
    December 21, 2009 at 7:53 PM

    to mark henry, some good ol’ cool aid. OH YEAAHH… to mike knox, a shaver or even a beard comb…. to vince, surgery to fix them legs, dunno if anyone else noticed but he walks kinda funny. that’s it from me (:

  2. beau lukies
    December 21, 2009 at 7:55 PM

    that comment was from me incase anyone was wondering (:

  3. rob
    December 21, 2009 at 8:11 PM

    To the RAW writing team – John C. (Hmmm.)

    Ok, so regarding that Christmas gift from above. So, John, if you got the call from Vi

  4. rob
    December 21, 2009 at 8:13 PM

    Sorry, dont know what I did above…ooops

    “To the RAW writing team – John C. (Hmmm.)”

    OK, so regarding that Christmas gift from above. John, if Vinnie Mac called you and offered you a job on the Raw writing team…do you take it???

  5. Mark Hallam
    December 21, 2009 at 8:25 PM

    woo, I’m in!!!

  6. matthew
    December 21, 2009 at 8:51 PM

    to kane a decent gimmick that doesnt involve digging up corpes or trying to murder someone.

  7. barley96
    December 21, 2009 at 10:13 PM

    Thought about turning on the tv to watch RAW, remembered little people’s court and said fuck WWE, it isn’t worth my sanity or anybody else’s over the age of 12.

    • Aaron
      December 23, 2009 at 2:08 PM

      Agreed! Wish I could have done the same

  8. mcnulty
    December 22, 2009 at 7:11 AM

    You really think this; To Cody Rhodes and Jack Swagger a thesaurus with out any words that have the letter S in it. – Is a good idea?

    Just imagine them trying to say thesarus. Or even Thank you for that matter…

  9. Jay
    December 22, 2009 at 4:06 PM

    To HHH and Vince: A decision by the Little People’s Court sentancing them to a locked down old-folks home with daily jello so they do not try to escape.

    To Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff: See above.

    The four above people are a great argument for medically assisted suicide for old-out of touch-crazy people. By the way how can an over 40 year old man with glow sticks be part of a rebellious non-conformist wrestling stable? HHH is the definition of the establishment.

  10. Legacy
    December 22, 2009 at 5:54 PM

    While I’m a HUGE fan of your blogging and just your site in general, one thing that has been annoying me lately about you is the fact that you speak of Mickie James like she’s either a legendary woman that no one has seen the kind of in this planet, or is one your relatives that has done a lot for you. I think you’re great and everything, but I had to just point that out. I never thought something like that would annoy me, but I guess I’m just a long follower of you who have noticed that. Sorry if this offends you. Just wanted to let you know that it seems kinda lame… =/ Remember though, just because it’s criticism, doesn’t mean I hate you or anything like that. It means I care, right? ;)

    For John: I guess Mickie James so you’d stop talking about her like that every week.

    • December 22, 2009 at 6:55 PM

      I think that’s fair and I’m not mad you said it. Others have too. I think I overdo it a bit too. She’s a cool person that’s always been kind and gracious to me even though I’ve probably been a bit over the top. Basically she doesn’t have to be nice to me, but she is. I’ll try to tone it down because I’m sure it can come off as annoying at times from a reader’s point of view.

      • Aaron
        December 23, 2009 at 2:10 PM

        No, not really. I’d do it too if I were you… IMO, Maryse would also get the same treatment. ;p

  11. Jay
    December 22, 2009 at 8:09 PM

    Regarding the MJC on going commentary, remember, very often, less is more. It is usually amusing, but you are going way overboard with the frequency of the MJC comments. It has amused me for several weeks, but it is turning into the WWE Main Event situation. You need new material to keep it fresh. It is like the same 5 or 6 wrestlers dominating the main event while holding down or squashing the mid and under-card talent. It causes good writing to become stale. As a person who really seems to have a inherent talent for booking or coming up with logical entertaining storylines, you should understand this. (The WWE or especially TNA really should hire you as a consultant.)

    As an aside, you should really take a fresh look at non WWE programming from 1980-the early 1990’s. It is more entertaining than you give it credit for being. Vince and Hulk Hogan really ruined wrestling for many years. The territories and more realistic wrestling were really entertaining. Plus they really knew how to have a real feud that could last for years. Off the top of my head, check out the Von Erichs vs. the Freebirds, Flair (and/or the Horseman) vs. Dusty Rhodes or hell I realize it was the WWF, but even Sgt. Slaughter vs. Iron Sheik. They hold up well compared to anything from the attitude era. Storytelling is a lost art in the WWE/TNA world. (Someone Please Hire Paul Heyman!)

    • December 22, 2009 at 9:41 PM

      I see what you’re saying about MJC. I do it to be funny, mostly. It’s funny to me when people email me about her or congratulating me when she started following me on Twitter. I see what you’re saying, though.

      I have seen my fair share of WCW and NWA stuff. The problem is this. Whenever I write about older stuff, and this includes 1997 WWE, I barely get feedback or thoughts from people on it. Yes, I know it’s being read, but I need to know if people want more. When I write about a shitty Raw show like last night, I get amazing feedback. That lets me knows that people are talking about, which is great for a writer to know. I need to see more than website hits. And with Raw I get that every week. With columns on older wrestling I get very little.

  12. Jay
    December 22, 2009 at 8:25 PM

    And while I am on my soapbox…

    To Wrestling Fans: An explanation that the Undertaker is not actually dead. This is probably the dumbest storyline in the history of wrestling. Plus, in my humble opinion, he could not wrestle his way out of a paper bag that has a hole on both ends and in the middle. The Undertaker makes me ashamed to be a wrestling fan. Every time I think about the Undertaker, I can only picture Vince rubbing his greedy hands together while discussing how stupid wrestling fans actually are. (In this case, Vince has a point. The Undertaker really isn’t a “dead man.”)

    I typically refer to the “Undertaker” as the “Underwearer,” but this nickname has never really caught on.

  13. Legacy
    December 23, 2009 at 1:44 PM

    To make things clear about MJC thing, I don’t mind you commenting on Mickie in a funny way. Keep the jokes because I think you’re a hilarious guy a lot of times in the Raw Deal Report. What annoys me is how serious you go about her at times (see above). I also remember what you said about her for being mocked with her weight and everything. I don’t like it either and I think it’s stupid, but I’m not her husband or her mom. I don’t care about it that much. When you joke about her, then get serious and then all the banners, pictures, awards for her & listing her first in the roster evaluation.. it’s just too much. It shouldn’t matter THAT much if she’s nice to you… Doesn’t matter at the end of the day, I don’t think… then again I don’t know how good contacts it is between you two, but yeah.

    • December 23, 2009 at 7:01 PM

      I’m a kiss ass first, a writer second. Ha. I see your point, though. I’ll keep it in mind. And if she got pissed about the things I wrote I’d respect her wishes and stop. To this point, though, so far so good.

  14. rob
    December 23, 2009 at 4:27 PM

    Here is my 2 cents on the Mickie thing. I think the weight joke was classless. And I am not her dad, or BF…or anything. It continues to sadden me at the “lameness” of the Divas division. And when you have an above average diva in Mickie, and then you take a shot at her weight? What is she, a size 6 or 8 maybe? Below average for most females anyway. She is obviously in great shape, so, more power to her. Society wonders where negetive female body image come from. WWE takes their fair share.

    • December 23, 2009 at 7:03 PM

      I think it’s a terrible storyline and the fact that they insinuate that she’s fat pisses me off, so I write about it. I’m pretty certain that people within WWE are reading my work to some extent. If I can use that voice of mine to somehow make them aware of something being shitty I’m going to try to do that.

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