Home > General Wrestling, wwe > Did You Know? The John Report edition

Did You Know? The John Report edition

You know those often ridiculous WWE “Did you know?” segments that WWE airs during their TV shows? I thought it would be a good idea to get suggestions from my readers, from Facebook and Twitter, to give me some John Report or John Canton related ones. Some people veered off that target a little bit, but for the most part they stayed on topic. I didn’t write any of these. It’s all by my readers. Like with Commentfest, I’ve put some of my thoughts in brackets after the DYK statements.

Enjoy and feel free to add your own. I think I’ll be throwing these in randomly during future columns as well as doing some of my own. Remember, accuracy is optional.

Did You Know? The WWE hired Michael Cole because John Canton turned them down.

Did you know? John Canton has written more for the WWE than Freddie Prinze Jr.

Did you know more midgets between the ages of 29 and 30 watch Raw than any other 3 letter show beginning with “R” on a Monday night?

Did you know Raw is watched by more spayed and neutered pets then the NFL, NHL, NBA, MLB and UFC put together?

Did you know? John Canton breathed more in the last second than Jimi Hendrix has in the last 35 years.

Did You Know? The only reason JBL was champ for a year is b/c HHH didn’t wanna work Tuesdays.

Did you know that Mickie James-Canton calls john John Canton-James? (I would switch my last name in a second.)

Did you know? John C. has more readers then Batista has STD’s. (This one made me legitimately LOL. It’s true, I hope for his sake.)

Did you know? John’s column has 85% more wrestling than RAW.

Did you know? The John Report has more viewers than ECW on SyFy.

Did you know John C. has never torn a quad writing a John Report? (True and I once wrote a column with a broken freakin’ neck!)

Did you know? If the John Report only used the words ‘and’, ‘but’, and ‘the’, it would still be better writing than what the WWE Creative Team is capable of.

Did you know the John Report is accessible from any computer hooked up to the internet? (And some cell phones!)

Did you know? John Canton was the one who pulled the briefcase up when Steve tried to grab it.

Did You Know? The John Report can easily be read by almost all people in Canada, the UK, America and Ireland.

Did you know? John Canton’s John Report is the only reason rajah.com gets any hits.

Did you know that the readership of The John Report do not actually like mudkips?

Did you know that the Good Friday edition of Raw (when Judas turned heel on Jesus) was the most watched TV programme that year?

Did you know? The John Report was read by more people over North America then a newspaper based in Winnipeg.

Did you know John Canton is more Greek than current WWE United States Champion, The Miz?

Did you know? John Canton will enter the Royal Rumble number 17th this year.

Did you know? John Canton refused to join DX because he doesn’t like the colour lime green.

Did you know? Last week more young talent was wasted by Raw than any other sports organization worldwide.

Did you know? Before deciding on Warrior, Jim Hellwig considered changing his name to John Canton. (I thought about changing mine to John Warrior.)

Did you know? John Canton recently wrestled on WWE Smackdown under the name ‘Carolina Panther.’

Did You Know? Avatar was originally released in 1995 and starred Al Snow?

Did you know? TJR Commentfest stalks more Divas than Batista.

Did you know? John Canton is Hunter’s personal trainer.

Did you know? More males 18-49 read TJR than watched Oprah last week.

Did you know that John C is the man behind the Suicide mask?

Did You Know…that the John Report is read by more people than have seen Britney Spears’ coochie on the internet? (That’s probably false, but I like it anyway.)

Did you know? John C’s commentfest is the only reason most of us still watch Raw.

Did you know? The John Report isn’t as insulting to the “E” as one would think…or if they just hired him as a writer, everything would be better!

Did you know the John Canton was behind the finger poke of doom, bringing robocop to wcw and was the original gobbledygooker?

Did you know John Canton has more followers on facebook than Kevin Thorn, Mordecai and SeVen combined? (Wow, amazing.)

Did you know that John Canton was behind blowing Vince’s limo up?

Did you know that 50% of Raw’s rating was due to Commentfest?

Did you know? Michael Cole is the most popular & criticized WWE figure in the John Report.

Did you know? John Canton spends more time writing than Sheamus spends kissing Triple H’s ass.

Did you know? John C was really a corporate WWE double spy plugging in to the heart of the wrestling fans to make global peace through common folk who are marks for wrestling….thanks Vince.

Did you know that Mickie James’s new album is devoted to John Canton?

Did you know? John Canton was offered a job as storyline writer for WWE, but he rejected it after he discovered that his main focus had to be Hornswogle.

Did you know that John Canton has had more fictional wives than real ones? (This is true. I think it’s at 8-0 right now.)

Did you know that John Canton’s initials are “J.C.” just like former WWE Champion John Cena who also shares the same first name?

Did you know there are more TJR columns than Seinfeld episodes?

Did you know Mickie James follows TJR on Twitter? Actually, that one’s not bad.

Did you know that 100% of TJR readers have internet access?

Did you know? Mae Young and Mark Henry’s hand had a twin brother, JC’s leg. (You sicken me.)

Did you know that JC was offered the “knows best” format by vh1 before Hogan was?

Did you know? The only motivation of going to work on Tuesdays is the John Report raw review in the afternoon!!!

Did you know? John Canton will be inducted into the Troglodyte Hall of Fame. (First ballot.)

Did you know? John Canton knows what he’s going to do when Hulk-a-mania runs wild on him.

Did you know? Commentfest was viewed more times last week then all adult themed sites on the internet combined – according to reuters.com.

Did you know? More people watch raw for the comentfest then all other things that end in fest combined.

Did you know? The John Report is read by more parasites than Batista has had to get medication to get rid of. (Poor Dave.)

Did you know? More people read the John Report than rented the Hell In the Cell PPV.

Did You Know? When DX loses the Unified Tag Team Championship to Jerihhow on Monday Night on Raw, it will be because John Canton wasn’t ready.

Did you know that only people named Vince McMahon who happen to run WWE actually think their comedy bits are funny?

Did You Know? 100% of the WWE “Did You Know” stats that follow commercial breaks, are absolute bullshit and organically concocted by the morons who brought you the Chavoswaggle feud and the Chris Masters, Tittydance Face Turn.

Did you know? Batista has slept with more people than the average hooker.

Did you know that Sheamus’s WWE title reign has lasted longer than Kane’s, The Iron Sheik’s and Andre The Giant’s combined?

DID YOU KNOW? More men looked forward to the commentfest than Raw for 13 straight weeks?

Did you know John Canton doesn’t need glow-sticks and nancy boy skipping when he parodies DX coming down the ramp for a match?

Did you know that in 20 years the word vintage will be used as an adverb in over 5 different continents?

Did You Know? If things don’t work out with Mickie James-Canton, John Canton will go back to his first love, Awesome Kong. (No. Just no. Please don’t hurt me, Kong.)

Did You Know? WWE.com gets more hits per month than espn.com, mlb.com, and nfl.com combined because Jerry Lawler keeps hitting the refresh button during Raw’s entire telecast.

Did You Know? Commentfest will be acknowledged on the Feb. 1st edition of Raw.

Did You Know? The Boston Red Sox have more Jewish players than black players.

Did you know John Canton was inspired to start writing wrestling columns after seeing his first Kamala match? (True.)

Did you know John Canton was supposed to be the Greater Power?

Did You Know? Kamala started slapping his belly after reading John Canton’s first wrestling column entitled “WWF needs to push Tugboat and Warlord into the title picture.”

Did you know that the Raw Deal is read in more countries than John Canton has visited.

Did You Know? John Canton told Triple H to tell Rikishi to run over Stone Cold at the 1999 Survivor Series.

Did you know Vince came up with the Piggy James angle in hopes to switch John Canton’s diva allegiance? (Sorry Vince, won’t happen.)

Did You Know? John Canton was sued by Rick Derringer and the WWE for copyright infringement when he sang “I am a Real Canadian” in celebration of Bret Hart’s return. (Catchy tune, can’t help it.)

Did You Know? WWE wanted Kelly Kelly to use her real name, but thought Kelly Kelly-Kelly sounded stupid.

Did You Know? MVP, Dolph Ziggler, Shelton Benjamin and Christian all asked Santa for directions to the gym Triple H trains at.

Did you know? 100% of heterosexual males think Maryse has the best pin ever

Did you know that John Canton told Stone Cold how to put the letter S in front of Hitman?

Did You Know? Baby oil sales took a sharp decline when Randy Orton was no longer Champion?

Did You Know??? John Canton did it for me, and did it for the people!

Did you know? John Canton is the reason CM Punk became ‘straight edge.’

Did You Know? Mark Henry’s nickname “Sexual Chocolate” is actually a reference to his Snickers fetish. (I’m pretty glad I didn’t know that.)

Did you know Triple H nearly tore his quad running to his computer so he could read TJR?

Did You Know? John Canton never got to smell what The Rock was cooking.

Did You Know? Having a root canal and appendectomy simultaneously is less painful than listening to Michael Cole laugh hysterically at a Hornswoggle segment?

Did you know I have read more John Canton article than have watched TNA shows?

Did you know Kamala and John Canton both do the belly slap as a form of intimidation?

Did You Know: 90% of TJR readers are Troglodytes? (That’s it?)

Did You Know? Katie Vick was cheating on Kane with John Canton.

Did you know upon his return Jim Ross will stomp a VINTAGE mudhole in Michael Cole’s ass?

Did you know? While I’m really sick right now that making these dyk’s up is cheerin me up. (See that? Did You Know’s cheering sick people up since 2010!)

DID YOU KNOW?: Vince McMahon HIMSELF reads the John Report? And when he’s done, he belches and says “If there’s a better turkey pot pie than Swanson’s…..I’VE never had it!” Source: the good folks at Swanson’s. (At least you put the source, otherwise it would have been fishy.)

DID YOU KNOW?: Kurt Angle was reading the John Report as he was circling the Starbucks with his ex-girlfriend inside.

Did you know that Owen Hart kicked Bret’s leg out of his leg?

Did You Know? John Canton used to work for WWE. He used the name “Todd Pettengill.”

DID YOU KNOW?: Ahmed Johnson has to read the John Report aloud to himself but must do it several times so HE can understand what HE’S saying. (Whoa whoa whoa, Ahmed Johnson can read?)

Did You Know? Dictionary.com gets 30% more page hits when Chris Jericho cuts a promo.

Did you know that Jack Swagger is looking for a tag team partner, that way he might get a cool tag team name from JC?

Did You Know? That Right to Censor said more controversial things than the new DX?

Did You Know? This year’s Wrestlemania will have a Shitty Gimmick Battle Royal instead of a Divas Battle Royal. Already confirmed participants include: Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz, Shockmaster, Red Rooster, Mordecai, Juicer, Fake Razor, Fake Diesel, Fake Kane, Kizarny, Big Dick Johnson, The Ding-Dongs, Blacktop Bully, The Mean Street Posse, The Yetti, Giant Gonzales and Mr. America. (I give it five stars already.)

Did You Know? The shortest ring entrance either Orton or Undertaker had in 2009 was still 3 minutes longer than the longest match on RAW since 2004.

And that’s that. Thanks everybody!

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  1. John
    January 3, 2010 at 3:09 PM

    Did you know? The commentfest is the longest running episodic comment gatherer on the internet!

    Did you know? Wilt Chamberlain has slept with more women on Tuesdays between 8 pm and 8:30 pm than Batista has the rest of the week.

    Did you know? John Canton is actually the spawn of Chuck Norris. That is why he is so powerful and followed.

  2. rob
    January 3, 2010 at 4:01 PM

    I actually like the idea of the bad gimmick battle royal. How about the Dicks added to that match?

  3. January 3, 2010 at 5:03 PM

    OH YOU DIDNT KNOW! Now you do. Did you know cole was raped on tv. Yes he was….

  4. roler42
    January 3, 2010 at 5:21 PM

    Did you know? the Comentfest gets 1000 times the rating of any regular monday night RAW

  5. mr. W
    January 3, 2010 at 6:16 PM

    did you know. . . . John canton is one of paul heyman’s alias’, He uses to be critical of Vince, without losing his “Tv consultant” paycheck.

  6. Michael Ryne
    January 3, 2010 at 6:46 PM

    ‘Did you know? John Canton’s John Report is the only reason rajah.com gets any hits’

    That one legit made me crack up and it’s pretty darn true XD

  7. Daniel
    January 3, 2010 at 6:57 PM

    A couple corrections:

    -“Vintage” can be used as an adjective, noun, and even verb, but not an adverb.
    -Sheamus has reigned for 21 days so far, while The Iron Sheik reigned for 28.
    -WOOOOOO!

    • Anonymous
      January 3, 2010 at 10:02 PM

      Did you know…there are a lot more that are untrue…

  8. bryan
    January 3, 2010 at 8:37 PM

    did you know that every time batista bangs a diva an angel gets it’s wings.

    did you know that mickie james was offered to be mickie james-batista but chose mickie james-canton instead

  9. Johnny
    January 3, 2010 at 11:56 PM

    Did you know? This edition looks awful lot like Chuck Norris facts.

  10. January 4, 2010 at 10:34 AM

    Did you know? John Canton was originally going to be debuted in the WWE as “The Rated ‘R’ Superstar” but those plans were nixed when Edge buried John C. to management.

  11. DaveD420
    January 4, 2010 at 12:23 PM

    Did you know?that I have not watched Raw in over 2 yrs because I read TJR and it still has more action then an episode of Raw and holds my intrest longer then Raw……Vince your product sucks and it’s sad that a writer on a website makes Raw more fun then actually watching the real thing

  12. Michael
    January 4, 2010 at 1:08 PM

    All I can say is that this post is pure gold John, pure gold!! great job everyone, laughing my ass off for like 45 mins

  13. Legacy
    January 4, 2010 at 2:18 PM

    -Did You Know? The WWE hired Michael Cole because John Canton turned them down.
    -Did you know? John’s column has 85% more wrestling than RAW.
    -Did you know that the readership of The John Report do not actually like mudkips?
    -Did you know? John Canton will enter the Royal Rumble number 17th this year.
    -Did you know? John Canton is Hunter’s personal trainer.
    -Did you know that John C is the man behind the Suicide mask?
    -Did you know? Batista has slept with more people than the average hooker.
    -Did You Know? MVP, Dolph Ziggler, Shelton Benjamin and Christian all asked Santa for directions to the gym Triple H trains at.
    -Did You Know? Dictionary.com gets 30% more page hits when Chris Jericho cuts a promo.
    -Did You Know? That Right to Censor said more controversial things than the new DX?

    haha ^ kudos to those who came up with those. I got a chuckle out of them.

  14. J
    January 4, 2010 at 2:42 PM

    Did You Know? Bret Hart doesn’t like HBK & HHH

    Did You Know? Micheal Cole used to be a REAL reporter for CBS

    Did You Know? Vince McMahon has slept with more divas than Batista

    Did You Know? HBK did not… I repeat, he did not sleep with that intern

  15. Kevin
    January 5, 2010 at 11:15 AM

    Did you know? The only thing that John cena sells is merchandise

  16. ark noir
    January 5, 2010 at 9:56 PM

    Did you know Kane has thrown more fireballs than Ryu, Ken and Sagat?

    Did you know that without the European and Hardcore titles, WWE has a lot of mid card talent doing absolutely nothing?

    Did you know that Matt Hardy went crap when he started wearing those ghastly pants? Get back to the jeans this instant.

  1. January 5, 2010 at 3:00 AM

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