Home > The Raw Deal, wwe > The Raw Commentfest for 01/04/10 (Bret Hart)

The Raw Commentfest for 01/04/10 (Bret Hart)

I wrote the Raw Deal late last night, posted it at about 3am and you can read that here. I didn’t have time to do Commentfest in the same night, so it gets its own exclusive post here on the blog. Also, don’t forget to sign the petition if you haven’t already. That link is here. Now, let’s get to the Festival of Comments.

Two things: 1) There were 1,639 comments that I sifted through. All-time record for a two hour show. 2) I felt especially sarcastic this morning. I’m not sure why, but I think I busted out my best ever sarcastic comments in honor one of my childhood heroes, Bret Hart.

Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFest
Here are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) after I asked for some comments about the show. The comments in green are from the commentfesters while the comments in the brackets are from me.

Welcome to the best commentfest there is, the best commentfest there was and the best commentfest there ever will be. Hosted by John Canton-James with a major assist from Bret “The Hitman” Hart. (Do other commentfests exist? If so, we must destroy them.)

A RAW with Bret Hart and Jericho…and someone tried telling me miracles don’t happen!

Open with Bret! Fuck Yeah!

Here it comes!!!!!!!!! Hitman!!!!

Just wondering… if Raw is “viewer friendly” can you really keep saying “screw”? (Better than molest.)

NO FUCKING MIDGET!!!!!!!! WOO HOO!!

I freaked out for a second thinking they replaced him with Ozzy Osbourne! (Buy that man a bra!)

I found the difference between TNA and WWE. When Hogan came out, no reaction from me. When Bret came out, I got chills.

Bret Hart looks like he stole his wardrobe from Raven. (You’re comparing Brett Hart to Scotty Fucking Flamingo? No, just no.)

Wait bret’s confused he is wearing cena shorts. (Watch Raw. 1997. It’s Bret’s look!)

FUCK YEAH HELL FROZE OVER!!!

This is sounding like what John Canton wrote out.

Well, the writers do read Commentfest, you know….

Vintage orgasm at 9:07pm. (It would have been better if this was posted by a woman, I’m just saying.)

HBK!! Calling out HBK! Oh my fuck!!

Bret calling out Shawn…damn I feel like a kid in a candy store.

R.I.P. TNA. (Thanks for posting, Undertaker. Yes, he posts on Commentfest.)

Shawn and Bret standing there staring at each other is better than the first hour of TNA.

I can’t even comment here on this. This whole thing is just blowing my mind, I’m soaking it in.

WOW I have wanted to see this for years. (I said the same thing when Mickie kissed Trish.)

OMG! My hands are shaking so bad I can hardly type right now. This is a dream come true…

OH THIS IS EPIC.

Easy there, kids. This can go downhill just as fast. (Thanks for posting, Raw writing team.)

Oh my goodness… I am loving life right now. (Michelle McCool!)

Orgasm city here…for two men….never thought it would happen…. (Again, not a woman.)

“YOU SCREWED BRET! YOU SCREWED BRET!” I have goosebumps…

Is it wrong to not wanna see the hatchet buried?

WHATT!!!! Never thought i would see Bret and HBK shake hands……EVER.

Hug?! I was definitely expecting a superkick.

THE MOST EPIC HANDSHAKE EVER! HOLY SHIT A HUG TOO! EPIC!

Nice tease of the SCM and followed by a hug… I hope they actually buried the hatchet in real life and not just for the WWE Universe.

We can have 1 hr an 45 min of midgets an skits after this… this is still a A+ Raw… and its been A LONG TIME since that happened. (Not to me. It was only 1/8th of the show. Gotta be fair.)

That was the most awkward hug I’ve seen. Looks like neither of them really wanted to do it. (Kind of like when I hugged my first girlfriend’s dad.)

That was probably the greatest thing that I have seen in my life. That was what I wanted to see. I feel accomplished.

Vince is in Orlando. (He is old enough to be on TNA.)

Best opening guest host promo in Raw history. Sorry. That was better than any 15 minute wrestling match could have been. (I agree although that’s only true because Yokozuna vs. Hornswoggle could never happen.)

The HUG heard around the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok thats awesome! Straight up cant even think of a damn bad thing to say…..

Vince meeting with lawyers to get Flair’s ring back.

Vince has no idea what’s going on out there….like usual.

I wouldn’t care if Bret took 2 hours to stand out there and just talk. Still be a better show than the stuff they’ve given us the past few months.

Maryse Maryse!!!! Pin me please!!!!

Gentlemen and Boys ages 13 and up, get ready to adjust your shorts because ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTS FUNBAG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Two things: 1. I’m Greek, we start at about 8. Also start shaving at that time. 2. Shorts? No. It’s cold.)

Wow, I wonder whos gonna win this exciting match! (Hey Timbaland, don’t you mean the match of the century?)

Yes it’s getting better and better Maryse Maryse Maryse.

Mmmmmm Maryse…thank you Lord…and Bret Hart. (Why didn’t you thank me? Troglodyte.)

Maryse sexy pin again! Oh yeah…

At least my girl Brie didn’t get pinned! Way to take one for the team Nikki!

BEST PIN EVER!!! MARYSE TO WIN THE TITLE TONIGHT. (Or in the future.)

I actually like Miz’s new music. It’s “AAAAAWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Oh great, the Miz has new music and bad french.

It takes a special kind of jackass to wear a hoodie over a shirt and tie.

Elmer Fudd just had an organism when Swagger came out.

Is Elmer Fudd on TNA? (He is over their “you have to be well past your prime” age requirement.)

Miz, Mark Henry’s not an up-and-comer. He’s been here longer than MVP, Swagger and Carlito combined.

A match of jobbers, who’s gonna win?

Koolaid pitcher just got busted.

Commercial during the arrival of the guy who spits apple and the guy who swallows kool aid, so I guess that means MVP or Swagger will win. I’m guessing MVP. (Winner!)

Austin won the US Title? Fact Checkers? What say you? (Of course he did in WCW.)

An inverted torture rack? yeah…am i supposed to believe that’s painful?

Lex Luger rolled over in his grave at that weak torture rack by Henry. (Or his bed since he’s alive.)

LOL he called him Cornrow…..

MVP is fighting to gain the title he’s already had twice and held for like FORVER? WHAT A PUSH!

A BLACK MAN IS THE NUMBER 1 CONTENDER FOR THE TITLE THIS IS BIGGER THAN OBAMA BECOMING PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!! WE ARE REALLY MOVING ON UP LATELY THANK YOU MVP LOL (Sometimes you just gotta caps lock that sumbitch and let it all out.)

So when does MVP lose against The Miz? Next week? At a PPV? (Oh, the intrigue.)

The Big Show – most underrated mic worker in all of professional wrestling.

Was Jericho trying to do the Chris Masters titty dance? Isn’t that copyrighted?

Fozzy makes the Royal Rumble theme song!!!

Jericho & Bret = EPIC/VINTAGE/AWESOME! (It’s the pick a word game.)

Good thing I’m not a woman, or else seeing Bret Hart and Chris Jericho on the same segment would cause me to become pregnant instantly.

What an awesome promo… Jericho is awesome… Bret is awesome… they are both awesome…. bask in their awesomeness…

Bret just said WWE Universe…I think I just died a little inside…. (He’s on the payroll. Gotta say the buzz words.)

From Bret & Jericho to Triple H and The Midget…………….URGH! FAIL!!!

Why are you talking to him like he’s a little boy? He’s got a beard!

Jizzed in My pants….lol @ Shawn saying HE HAS A BEARD!!!

LMAO at Santicho!!!

Santino addresses the HYPNOCRITES!

I am the best there is at whatever it is that I do.

Raped by a midget…now Santino has done everything. (What a sense of accomplishment.)

Thats one Horny dog….*rimshot* *crickets chirping* (Thanks for posting, Michael Cole.)

“Good luck at the sucking” BRILLIANT! Very adult!

ARE YOU READY…I AM FOR…MIDGETS…GLOW STICKS… AND SAFETY HELMETS…LETS GET READY FOR QUAD TEARING…COWBOY HAT WEARING…MIDGETS SUCKING IT (Thanks ready guy.)

Alright, now let’s see The Hart Dynasty come out and help Jerishow win. Pretty please?

Hoy Crap, the Rock is the TOOTH FAIRY and he turns down a hosting gig on WWE??? You need a new agent Dwayne!!

I call Natalya putting the Sharpshooter on Shawn Michaels!!!

If I were the Rock, i’d take $15 million to dress as a tooth fairy for 3-6 months instead of giving my body a beating for 300 days out of the year for $2 million – don’t get me wrong, i’d love to see the rock back in WWE – but at least he didn’t show up on TNA!!! (Valid points. Money > everything. Remember that.)

JC, you may need to publish the John Report and Commentfest SEPARATELY! (Thanks for posting, my agent.)

Y2J mocking hogan! AWESOME!

Give Jericho props for the Hoganlike crowd taunts… Nice touch.

Jericho mocking Hogan. Raw gets a 1,000,000 star rating.

VINTAGE SHAWN MICHAELS~! 10:03 PM EST

“vintage” at 9:03 cst

2005 Mountain time… VINTAGE! (Spanning at least three time zones live at once!)

10:03 PM EST VINTAGE!!!! (There were about a dozen of them, but this one gets in due to the most exclamation points rule I just made up.)

GOD DAMNITTT!!!! FUCK THAT MIDGET- come on Mark Henry- ya gotta be hungry backstage after that “grueling” match…

LOL Swoggle got KTFO

YES! HE FUCKING KICKED THE MIDGET IN THE HEAD!

Probably the most entertaining thing I’ve seen since seeing Hornswoggle get shot in the nuts with a t-shirt cannon. (I agree.)

No! Squashing a midget doesn’t make up for the fact of Jericho losing…

Well, of course they had to go and F that up. No way Triple H can lose to Jericho. (It’s like a commandment in WWE.)

Hornswoggle – I’ve got two words for ya…… PLEASE LEAVE

Jericho has that “CALL ME!” look going watching Show leave. (I had the same look when I met Trish Stratus. And by met I mean sat in the third row while she was in the ring.)

Don’t ever confront me ever again, or else I send the McMahon Family Avenger after you! (No, never do that again. No! FUCK NO! Yes, I really hated that feud.)

They stole John’s storyline! (Which one this time? Oh right, Orton with Bret.)

My wife just said – they haven’t used that guy enough (referring to Bret). (Thanks for posting, Triple H. Get it? Good.)

Didn’t he (Tyson) shoot somebody? (Rape.)

John, what you do if Mickie James-Canton and Maryse fought over you? (I could write a 20,000 word column about that.)

SQUASHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Splattttt goes Evan Braun!

This is how they push new stars? Bring out Evan freaking Bourne as some sort of challenge?

Evan Braun vs the white knight. 3 Minutes. (It’s like we have the Raw script in our hands.)

I think Evan found out what gym Triple H works out at! (The HHH-gym joke will never stop being funny.)

FALLAWAY SLAM! NOW DO THE RAZOR’S EDGE! The Scott Hall Rip Off is complete! (If he gains 40 pounds in the next twenty years he’s got it completely.)

John, I personally will keep tally of Bourne’s Win/loss ratio this year, so far it’s 0 wins to 1 loss :D

RIP Dr. Death…but still no respect paid to Umaga…why?

Rock must be coming back 2 wwe.that film looks like the wwe writers wrote it!

Did you know? Michael Cole has said Buried the hatchet more times tonight than his whole career? (Now I know.)

NO…. NOOOOO….. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE VOICES!!! THEY’RE TELLING ME I’M OUT OF BABY OIL!!!! NOOOOOOOO

Did you know? Commentfest will eclipse the 1500 post mark and the show is only two hours?

Kofi could have played John Travolta’s part in Saturday Night Fever. (They are like twins.)

Kofi push is now over. (We wish it the best in its future endeavors.)

That RKO from out of nowhere actually WAS from out of nowhere. (No it was not.)

VINTAGE “WHAT?!” chants. 10:59 PM EST.

McMahon is the chairman of the board? When did this happen? (After he sung “Stand Back” for the first time.)

Bret coming out with no music or pyro…hmm where did I read this before? (The John Report!)

Did Bret make a single match tonight? And where in the world was the Hart Dynasty? (No, I told you they screwed him as a guest host last week.)

Awesome ‘We want Owen’ chant by the crowd.

Look at Vince trying to suck up…. and the fans know what they want… they want Owen…

If Raw goes off the air with Vince in a Sharpshooter, it wins. (No way. Save it for Mania. You make people pay for that!)

Man, I was pissed there for a second when I thought the crowd was chanting “We want Hogan.” Thanks for clarifying commenfesters. (Yep, it was Owen. Thank God it wasn’t Hogan.)

Mr. McMahon is back. Wrestlemania 26 baby!

Be funny if he really punched him in the balls. I’ve been waiting 12 years for that.

Damnit…no Natalya. Guess I’ll have to keep waiting. At least I got to see Santino. Hoorah for Bret “The Hitman” Hart. Welcome back.

Nice job on hyping Bret being on WWE programming until April – oh wait, they didn’t. (Thanks for posting Shane McMahon). Vintage John Canton joke stealing!!

This, Ladies and Gentleman, is the greatest NON-MATCH MOMENT EVER….PERIOD. (Whoa whoa whoa? Mae Young gave birth to a hand on live television and you think two old men talking is better? The birthing of a hand is the most precious thing a person can experience. You sicken me and I’m sure that the hand is giving you the finger right now…or maybe a fist full of anger.)

And on that note, this is it.

Advertisements
  1. Edswoggle
    January 5, 2010 at 12:14 PM

    Hey that last comment was taken out of context- you’re making it seem like it was for Bret & Vince, and it was for Brety & Shawn lol….I like what you wrote though.

    • January 5, 2010 at 12:19 PM

      Never question the context of my jokes. They are magic. Every time.

  2. Aaron
    January 5, 2010 at 12:31 PM

    A BLACK MAN IS THE NUMBER 1 CONTENDER FOR THE TITLE THIS IS BIGGER THAN OBAMA BECOMING PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!! WE ARE REALLY MOVING ON UP LATELY THANK YOU MVP LOL (Sometimes you just gotta caps lock that sumbitch and let it all out.)

    – Best joke in the bunch.

    • January 7, 2010 at 12:55 AM

      Hey, I fully support caps lock at the right time. Just don’t OVERDO IT. See?

  3. BarbRyan
    January 5, 2010 at 12:35 PM

    Favorite comments and my comments to the comment:

    “It takes a special kind of jackass to wear a hoodie over a shirt and tie.” Yep, that’s exactly what I think of the Miz.

    “VINTAGE “WHAT?!” chants. 10:59 PM EST.” It almost felt like 1997 – until the wrestling started and I sadly remembered what year it is.

    “Awesome ‘We want Owen’ chant by the crowd.” and “Look at Vince trying to suck up…. and the fans know what they want… they want Owen…” Totally thought the same thing. You rock Dayton fans! Time for Owen to take his rightful place in the HOF.

  4. Iyotan Kayo
    January 5, 2010 at 12:40 PM

    Ed Eastin Jr is John Canton’s stalker. lol

    • January 7, 2010 at 12:58 AM

      Crazy Edswoggle. What can ya do?

  5. January 5, 2010 at 3:13 PM

    I just wanted to say whichever one was responsible for the last columns DID YOU KNOW fact about Vince McMahon absolutely loving his Swansons chicken pot pie while reading his internet dirt sheet reports….I wish you were part of the RAW writing team. I really, really do.

    really. YES MIZ. REALLY. GOD.

  6. PhilArma
    January 5, 2010 at 4:16 PM

    It’s getting harder & harder to find out what’s more enjoyable
    1. Actually watching Raw/Smackdown
    2. Reading The Raw Report/ Talking Smack
    or 3. Commentfest !!!!!

  7. Tabitha
    January 5, 2010 at 5:56 PM

    I vote Commentfest!!!

    • January 7, 2010 at 12:59 AM

      So my writing means nothing to you? You just care about the comments! Not me! I mean I know I add my own flavor to it, but…ah forget it I love Commentfest too.

  8. January 5, 2010 at 6:54 PM

    If only there was a way to get John a writing slave so they could put his RAW thoughts and his commentfest post TOGETHER, for that is how they are best enjoyed.

    …or even a typewriting monkey?

    ……future endeavour’d angry former RAW writers? Come on, gotta be a taker out there.

    • January 7, 2010 at 1:00 AM

      You mean to put it in the same post as the Raw Deal? Guess I could have done that. I kinda like Commentfest being its own entity though. It’s like a teenage kid just turning 18.

  9. OmarTheRealPope
    January 5, 2010 at 10:37 PM

    Best part of Raw? No John “Cen-all 5 moves” Chena

    • BarbRyan
      January 6, 2010 at 6:57 AM

      Yes!

  10. Eric
    January 6, 2010 at 2:15 AM

    Did You Know? Besides being awesome as always, commentfest had more posts than tna had seconds of wrestling in the first hour.

    • January 7, 2010 at 1:00 AM

      I think this was an accurate “Did You Know?” for a change.

  11. Sean
    January 6, 2010 at 2:57 AM

    Anyone else think it was a lil odd that USA would air a TNA commercial with Hogan telling viewers to switch over to Spike TV to watch TNA during Raw? I forget exactly when it happened, but it was during the 10-11 pm hour if I remember correctly. Would be curious if other viewers saw that…

    • January 7, 2010 at 1:01 AM

      They apparently did and they apparently didn’t flip over that much.

  12. Darrell
    January 6, 2010 at 9:46 AM

    Doesn’t anyone on the Raw writing staff realize that all Jericho has to do to be on Raw again is win the tag titles over on Smackdown? I know, I know – that’s me thinking logically. I’m prepared to be chastised by John Canton-James.

    • January 7, 2010 at 1:01 AM

      Yes he could do that, but I doubt DX is going to work Tuesdays much and I guess their point is that he can’t team with Show again.

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: