Home > General Wrestling, The Raw Deal, wwe > The Raw Commentfest for 01/11/10

The Raw Commentfest for 01/11/10

I wrote the Raw Deal late last night, posted it at about 2am and you can read that on the blog. The link is at the right. I didn’t have time to do Commentfest in the same night, so it gets its own exclusive post here on the blog. This will be my permanent routine now. It’s easier for me this way.

Also, don’t forget to sign the petition if you haven’t already. That link is here. We’re almost at 500, which is pretty cool. Now, let’s get to the Festival of Comments with a special bonus at the end!

Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFest
Here are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) after I asked for some comments about the show. The comments in green are from the commentfesters while the comments in the brackets are from me. We got just over 1400 comments this week.

I think we’ll start out with a song this week.

“I was gonna star on Monday Night Raw…but I got high.
I was gonna win the World Title…but I got high.
And I got buried by John Cena, and I know why, hey-eh!… See More
Because I got high…because I got high…because I got high!”
(Thank you, Afroman!)

Commentfest is jericho. Moses didnt part the red sea, jericho did. (This guy had a lot of pre-show comments, so I thought I’d get him in with one.)

Time for the baddest festival of comments on the planet! The most controversial Commentfest in sports-entertainment history!

Sign of the night: “Hey Cena its a Sheamus you’re going to be champion.”

I know I’m probably not the first person to say this, but I’ll probably lose control of my bowels if Iron Mike starts singing “In the Air Tonight.”

Be funny if he asked where Cold Stone was.

Continuity? In My WWE?

Tyson looked less shitty back then. (Age. It’ll do that to ya, kids.)

Tyson will punch Jericho, I’m gonna call it right now at 8:03 CT. (He called it.)

Do you think Mike Tyson would do us all a huge favour and bite Micheal Cole’s ear off!?

Wow Sheamus this early. The writing team must have just realized they gave him the belt.

Aaaw, so nice to see Sheamus and Tyson get to reenact that Paul McCartney song “Ebony and Ivory.”

I swear Sheamus is illuminating Tyson’s face.

NO OH MY GOD ITS THE VOICES COMING TO CONFRONT THE WHITE NIGHT!!!! (I think I saw that on He-Man once.)

Orton speed walking? He must going to ask Tyson if he can order some more baby oil…

Can two people of the same race be more polar opposites in color than Orton and Sheamus?

Did Michael Cole just compare Sheamus current reign as WWE champ to when Mike Tyson was coming up the ranks in the heavyweight division KNOCKING THE FUCK OUT~! of his opponents? Did Goldust box back in the 80’s? (Tyson did beat a lot of Evan Bourne’s at one point too.)

Love the sign in the crowd; “Sheamus: Eat a potato”

Tyson and Sheamus in ring is like Omar Epps and Jesse Ventura starring in Black Thunder and White Lightning in Major League 2 (Willie Mays Hayes!)

Oh boy. It’s Cena. He wants a title shot. Sky’s blue, water’s wet. Grass is green. Cena’s outfit is perpetually ugly. Facts are facts.

Punch-Out!! reference!! FTW, CENA IS NOW MY FAVORITE SUPERSTAR!!

Punch-Out!! Reference FOR THE WIN!

I put the cheat code in and beat Mike Tyson… but damn that Bald Bull and his fucking bull charge… (Same here.)

They should show training clips of wrestlers running to the Mike Tyson’s Punch Out theme.

Wait, Kofi Kingston still has relevance?! IN THE WWE TITLE PICTURE?! I thought John C said his push was over. (And I’m right. You’re welcome.)

Kofi Kingston, from the city of Ghana, West Africa, with Jamaican sounding entrance music and no accent. (Grew up in Boston. Now living in Tampa. He’s everything.)

FUCK YOU CENA i’m still in a lot of pain from that packer game, and i didnt need that reminder, jackass. (My bank account is in some pain too. Nice defense, Packers.)

This is the year of new and interesting things, like Mike Tyson and Bret Hart on Raw. (Thanks for posting Vince McMahon).

Vintage Cena Sucks chants! Are they in Canada? Or are they just realists? (Minneapolis is close enough.)

Mike Tythhhhhhhhhonnnnnn and Jack Thwaggerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr for Tag Champs. LISP ARMY!

Roy-oh Rum-boh? WWE really needs to stop changing the names of the PPVs.

IF KOFI WINS I WILL SH*T MY PANTS…OUT OF SHOCK AND JOY!!!! (Guess you have a clean diaper, then.)

Jeez, the Did You Know team sure was lazy this week. (I can write them for them.)

Where’s Crazy Crazy? His girl is on. (He posted earlier, said he couldn’t make it. We wish him the best on his crazy crazy endeavors.)

Wedding planner vs. Former exhibitionist. We all win this one.

A dead animal has never looked so good on a person as it does Kelly Kelly. (I don’t know. I miss Melina wearing the fur.)

“Entertaining matchup?” And THAT, Cole, is why everybody hates you.

kell kelly vs stevie ray whats next sharmell vs batista in naked wrestling (no that already happened) (thanks for posting batista) (actually its booker t) (sry thanks for posting booker t) (Good creativity. I think.)

Anyone remember “Tough Enough”? Do you think either of these “Divas” would have made the cut? (Of course not. And I don’t think we’re allowed to mention Tough Enough.)

Hey John Canton-James why can’t you ask Mickie to pin her opponent like Maryse? (I’m classy.)

I know for some reason you guys like her but really Kelly Kelly is a real liability in the ring. Someones gonna get hurt carrying her skank ass.

This whole diva claim thing is stupid. The only person with a lock on any diva is John on Mickie. (This is the most accurate statement in the history of commentfest. Even more accurate than the ones ripping Michael Cole for being a douche.)

I respect everything John Cena does OUTSIDE the WWE. He represents the company very well. (This is true and I 100% agree.)

I know he gets hated on but Cena is a good person in real life. (Most people with JC as initials are good individuals: Jesus, Cena, Johnnie Cochran for somehow getting OJ acquitted and me.)

Legacy, a great example of what a feud with DX can do for your career. Prior to SummerSlam, they were just Randy Orton’s lackeys. They had a good match with DX at SS, beat them at Breaking Point, then lost in Hell in a Cell (the match), AT Hell in a Cell (the PPV), and that elevated them all the way to being…Randy Orton’s lackey. That’s progress, baby.

Vintage WHAT chant!! Ah, how great it would be to hear that glass break…. (March 15th.)

Love the shots at the first Marine film. OH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Hehe “My 5th grade graduation video is superior to the original Marine”… that was actually a nice line… oh no, there is Mark Henry… (Ah, the highs and lows of Monday Night Raw.)

Somebody gonna get their thirst quenched!!!! Beat em’ up (beat em’ up). Take his snacks (Take his snacks). (I love it.)

When I see Mark Henry, I think of Dane Cook. YOU FIX THAT WALL BEFORE MY DAD GETS HOME FROM WORK!!

SHUT THE HELL UP COLE WHERES COACH WHEN YOU NEED HIM? (ESPN.)

Evan Bourne win/loss ratio for 2010 weekly update, 0 wins and 2 losses. (Thanks for those numbers.)

Mike tyson, Tiger Woods and Urkel – same voice? (And they all love hookers.)

Raw presents the Shawn Michaels Apology Tour coming to a city near you. What he should apologize for is making us watch midgets. (I agree.)

9:41 EST!! THE SHOW IS SAVED!!

Chris Jericho sighting @ 9:42 PM…business is about to pick up!

Jericho and Tyson! Jericho and Tyson!

Can someone please tell Cole to button up his damn shirt. (It’s your fault for looking, really.)

I think Cole just came in his pants because Mike Tyson is going to be wrestling…… and then to serious voices for Bret Hart.

Imagine JR being screamed at in his head-set to shadow-box like a cretinous creature on Live TV….Now we all know why he was drafted to the A Show.

LISPERS UNITE!!!

Jack Swagger is getting a new gimmick: the Newsboy.

Quick prediction – Jack Swagger, no you aren’t going to win the Royal Rumble. (Thanks for posting, Vince McMahon.)

WTF was Swagger just running around the ring like a excited kid on the playground. (He’s the new Eugene.)

SANTINO TO THE RESCUE!

Santino looks more and more like a 70’s porno star every week. (Kinda looks like my dad used to look. Wait a sec, does that mean I was conceived on…hey that explains some things!)

I’ma gonna drop you like a bicycle with no kickstand!! I LOVE Santino. :)

Gotta love Santino’s knee pads being around his ankles. You’d think his name was Melina and he was facing Batista.

You know you’re in the WWE doghouse when….

I’m surprised they didn’t blur out Shane McMahon like they did Austin’s fingers in the flashback. (Ha.)

C’mon, guys, we’re only at 712 comments at the top of the second hour? We can’t give John C. so few comments to sort through, we HAVE to keep him busy! (I hate you, Triple H. I’m not even going to thank you for posting.)

Remember when Dwayne Johnson would swear on live national TV and punch people in the balls and make sex jokes? Yeah, I don’t either. (The Tooth Fairy! Go for it!)

Y2J teaming with Mike Tyson is almost as good as when the Berzerker teamed with anyone! (Random Berzerker reference? Yeah, that’ll always make it.)

Randall “Sex on Legs” Orton….Yummy! (Posted by a woman. See, I let the ladies have their time to ogle too.)

Anyone else think it is about time for Cena to have a change in music..maybe a the same music without the lyrics.

Rivalry of the year? They obviously forgot about Chavoswaggle… (Or Punk/Hardy or Jericho/Mysterio.)

I hear “boring” chants. Man the crowd is brutal tonight! I love it. (I told ya Minnesota’s practically Canada.)

Good thing Kofi is in this match, otherwise I could have me a nice little nap.

I thought the rivalry of the year was Mickie James vs Beth Phoenix for John Canton’s last name? (No, although two chicks fighting over me does have some appeal. But no, I’m a MJ guy only. Rumors stating otherwise are untrue!)

Can someone please answer this… Why does Kofi have a cavern the size of the grand canyon in the middle of his chest?

I want my HBK. HBK standing in the ring doing nothing is more entertaining than this. (Yes. Im HBK’s super obsessive mark but John Canton said I could have him so there.) (Another woman….actually it was the same as before.)

Man, Michael Cole is orgasming over the STFU No Cole it’s not an STF, because an STF doesn’t look like complete shit.

Submissions count? WOW I HAD NO IDEA thanks for clarifying that Michael Cole, you fucking waste of life.

DiBaise looked like he completely missed Kofi and hit Orton. (The Marine 2 on DVD!)

I hate you Vince McMahon. (Thanks for posting…wait for it…wait for it…Shane McMahon! You love how he passed you over for your mom’s job, huh? What a guy!)

Heel vs heel match? Cuz that ALWAYS works…oh, wait.

At least Cole didn’t say the RKO or Trouble in Paradise “CAME FROM OUT OF NOWHERE!” (Can I claim credit for that?)

Was Orton referring to the WWE writers when he was yelling “Stupid!” “Stupid”! ?

MIKE TYSON, KNOCK THAT MIDGET THE FUCK OUT!!!!@!@!@!!1ONEONEONE1111!!!!

Tear his intestines out and jumprope with them?! VINTAGE TYSON!!

Okay who did Kofi piss off now? He loses twice cleanly to Orton…and loses a third time due to interference. It’s like if you don’t kiss Trips’ ass, you don’t get World Title shots in WWE. (Pretty much, yeah.)

You better just enjoy yourself and move on…I just hope I don’t see you tonight…Tyson shit talking best thing on RAW all week.

Cena didn’t lose. He was never pinned. Therefore he still has not lost. Someone called it earlier in the night. (“If you’re not first, you’re last.” – Ricky Bobby. He’s last.)

20 bucks says Tyson punches out Jericho. Any takers? (No. Everybody knew it.)

Oooo its Mizzy. He’s “awesome”. Not gonna lie. I started respecting him once he started imitating Jericho.

Miz wins for calling out Bourne’s Jobbyness…and sweatervests.

I like Miz’s promo. It’s different. Different is good.

The Miz’s speech tonight was a true story about several strangers picked to share a locker room… find out what happens when wrestlers stop being polite and start getting real…..

Did you hear that, john? Miz is the reason we watch wrestling, you missed that part in your article. (Now I know. Thanks Miz.)

No Miz, I watch Monday Night Raw because it is like a 17-year cocaine addiction I can’t kick.

MVP looks like he is dressed to appear in court!

“THIS IS AWESOME!” Chant: 10:29 PM EST!

I think MVP’s been watching the Discovery Channel a bit too much lately. Tigers, Monkeys, Animals, Poop… (That’s all they get in prison.)

MVP forgot to mention his affinity for weed…

I’m hearing an awful lot about 1998 today. McGwire, HBK/Tyson… etc. (I was 18 in 1998, but when I was 17 I got a fake ID. My name was Brian McGee. When I was 17. Get that reference? Win nothing, but pride.)

MVP must have started working out with HHH. (Ha, I doubt it.)

EVE EVE!!! I LOVE YOU EVE!!!

Eve got 1/2 an entrance, Katie Lea got none, Eve wins.

LOL! VINTAGE NERD!

Maryse — “Oh, my, god, Michael Cole, you vintage nerd!” I lul’d legit.

VINTAGE NERD LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Katie Lea is scary and attractive at the same time, is that possible? (I feel like 90% of women are like that. They get scary once you buy them stuff.)

Haha, Maryse called Michael Cole a Vintage Nerd! I’m in love with that woman.

Maryse is so hot she makes the sun feel its winter.

So Gail Kim has been relegated to flirting with Carlito status. What is this world coming to? (Is it an upgrade on hanging out with a drunk & high guest host like Timbaland? I’m not sure.)

Kkeep Tyson away from Alicia Fox. She reminds him of Robin 21 Jumpstreet Givens.

BORING chants. Best Raw crowd for a LONG time.

The boring chants are totally getting to Vince…maybe he’ll finally understand. (No. Old people are stubborn.)

“Is that it?” – best statement ever by the King. (Guys, if that is said to you by a woman it’s not the best statement. Not that I would know. I swear!)

Bret Hart is off Raw forever until next week just like Jericho….. Must be a Canadian thing.

It’s hard to keep up with this on a phone. Just thought you all would like to know that. (Bring your laptop to the show next week, Cena. Geez.)

The Jericho-Tyson tag team shall be known as JeriSwerve.

You love the guest hosts? That’s funny cause the fans don’t.

ARE YOU READY???? NO I SAID…. ARRRRRRRRRE YOUUUUUUUUUUU READYYYYYYYYYYYYY????? GLOWSTICKS IN HAND, MIDGET SIZED ARMY HELMET ON MY HEAD, READY TO HAVE MY INTESTINES RIPPED OUT AND USED AS A JUMP ROPE AND MY NOSTRILS WIDENED BY TYSON’S FINGERS ONLY TO PULL MY BRAINS OUT, WRAP IT IN NEWSPAPER AND THROW IT AGAINST THE WALL LIKE SILLY PUTTY….. YUP I’M READY!!! (Wow. Somebody’s not straight edge.)

Fat chick in the crowd with a “Hornswoggle is Hot” sign. WORST SIGN OF THE NIGHT.

Taker vs HBK…YES!!! The deadman does not turn down a challenge. (Just don’t challenge him in the summer or some Tuesdays because working every week is too much.)

With all of these old feuds being rekindled, can we expect Pete Rose to show up and attack Kane? (I hope.)

If dx loses then we know vince was asleep.

I feel honored to have seen Jericho’s butt crack.

Evander Holyswoggle. Wow.

OMG Evander Hollyswoggle???? ARE YOU F’N KIDDING ME????

Vintage @ 11:05!!

VINTAGE Tyson Knock OUT!!!!

Vintage Predictable Swerve @ 10:05 Central PM!

VINTAGE TYSON~! 11:06 PM EST!

OMG, ITS A SWERVE GUYS~! TYSON DOESN’T HATE HBK~! WTF?! MY MIND JUST EXPLODED DAMNIT~!!! SHOCKED OF THE YEAR!!!!

If Cole references The Hangover one more time I’m running into oncoming traffic.

I am going to write my own blog tomorrow titled “Why We Hate Wrestling” and use the end of this episode as a jumping off point… (Good luck, Vince McMahon.)

Did you know that my girlfriend got mad at me AGAIN for looking at Eve tonight. (she didn’t claw my eye this time though) (Vintage whipped guy.)

Certainly didn’t see that coming did we, so predictable yet again :(

Who did not see that ending coming from a mile away?

RAW is Hornswoggle! (An odd way to end commentfest, isn’t it? I think so too. )

But wait, there’s more!

I decided to open up the comments to my followers on Twitter. I should point out that I had facebook before Twitter and I’m at over 1,300 facebook friends while I’m almost at 500 Twitter followers. Their comments will be in blue. Keep in mind that you’ve only got 140 characters or less on Twitter, so you have to be creative with your usage.

Tyson could’ve appeared on the old folks reunion last week on TNA & what happened to Kofi’s accent? Did it switch promotions?

wait for it…… wait for it…… wait for it…… ahhh there it is. Tyson says triple treat (threat) Match. (Lisp jokes are so classy.)

Its 9:25 est…I bet my left ball that Evan Bourne/Carlito lose their respective match.. (Got one right!)

Geez, leave it to an ear biting, gambling, alleged rapist to tell of Hornswaggle. Way to go PG Vince…(thanks for posting Jeff) (Jeff Hardy, I assume. See, it’s hard with only 140 characters!)

Y2J = midcarder? Pretty close though (He does lose too much.)

Raw was sub-par as usual. I hope it’s good again one day. (Thanks for posting again, Vince McMahon. You love me on Facebook and Twitter. What a guy.)

That’s it. It was the debut for the Twitterfesters. They weren’t ready. It’ll be better next week.

Advertisements
  1. Daniel Hutchinson
    January 12, 2010 at 1:09 PM

    Woot! Six comments made it in, including my parody of “Because I Got High”. I feel like I slightly accomplished something. :)

    • BarbaraRyan
      January 12, 2010 at 1:30 PM

      That was a great parody!

  2. BarbaraRyan
    January 12, 2010 at 1:27 PM

    Awesome Job John.

    Fav comments:
    Be funny if he asked where Cold Stone was. ~I miss Austin too… Sometimes I just want to see guys like Cena get stunned out of nowhere.

    Oh boy. It’s Cena. He wants a title shot. Sky’s blue, water’s wet. Grass is green. Cena’s outfit is perpetually ugly. Facts are facts. ~Can’t deny the logic here.

    Punch-Out!! Reference FOR THE WIN! ~But Cena still sucks!

    This is the year of new and interesting things, like Mike Tyson and Bret Hart on Raw. (Thanks for posting Vince McMahon). ~I’ve been having flashacks to the 90’s.

    Legacy, a great example of what a feud with DX can do for your career. Prior to SummerSlam, they were just Randy Orton’s lackeys. They had a good match with DX at SS, beat them at Breaking Point, then lost in Hell in a Cell (the match), AT Hell in a Cell (the PPV), and that elevated them all the way to being…Randy Orton’s lackey. That’s progress, baby. / Remember when Dwayne Johnson would swear on live national TV and punch people in the balls and make sex jokes? Yeah, I don’t either. (The Tooth Fairy! Go for it!) ~Now I wish I was back in the 90’s.

    Raw presents the Shawn Michaels Apology Tour coming to a city near you. What he should apologize for is making us watch midgets. (I agree.) ~Yes, please.

    I’ma gonna drop you like a bicycle with no kickstand!! I LOVE Santino. :) ~He’s the only one saying anything amusing.

    I hear “boring” chants. Man the crowd is brutal tonight! I love it. (I told ya Minnesota’s practically Canada.) ~You want harsh – come to Philly.

    With all of these old feuds being rekindled, can we expect Pete Rose to show up and attack Kane? (I hope.) ~Vintage! LOL.

    Oooo its Mizzy. He’s “awesome”. Not gonna lie. I started respecting him once he started imitating Jericho. ~Jericho is our savor, everybody knows that.

    Haha, Maryse called Michael Cole a Vintage Nerd! I’m in love with that woman. ~Me too.

    The boring chants are totally getting to Vince…maybe he’ll finally understand. (No. Old people are stubborn.)~Truth.

    Bret Hart is off Raw forever until next week just like Jericho….. Must be a Canadian thing. ~LOL!

    Taker vs HBK…YES!!! The deadman does not turn down a challenge. (Just don’t challenge him in the summer or some Tuesdays because working every week is too much.) ~And HBK is off Wed, Thurs, Fri, every other weekend and whenever he’s feeling moody, so Wrestlemania it is then!

    Who did not see that ending coming from a mile away? ~Sad, but true. Why doesn’t Jericho get the push he deserves?

    Y2J = midcarder? Pretty close though (He does lose too much.) ~But at least he’s still on Raw, I think?

    • January 17, 2010 at 12:08 AM

      I love the reactions to the reactions. It’s like a reactionfest.

  3. Jay
    January 12, 2010 at 1:36 PM

    A good wrestling show is supposed to build until it pops at the conclusion so you can’t wait to tune in next week. The Horney DX Host thing has been a let down for the past 52 Raws. I am sure it will work next week. There should be a Viagra for bad writing and booking. (I should look into it/)

    I thought the “Because I Got High” was a salute to Rob Van Dam. Add the line, ECW RIP because Sabu and I got high; because we got high; because we got high.

    • January 12, 2010 at 7:48 PM

      Now that would be a better parody!

      RVD 420!

  4. Anonymous
    January 12, 2010 at 1:58 PM

    When I was seventeen
    I drank some very good beer.
    I drank some very good beer
    I purchased with a fake ID.
    My name was Brian McGee.
    I stayed up listening to Queen,
    When I was seventeen.

  5. roler42
    January 12, 2010 at 2:36 PM

    damn it john! you put that tweet about the debut of the tweetfester section of the comentfest right when my crappy internet crashes

    oh well, i’m gonna use twitter to comentfest next week, after all, i tried many times to use facebook but it always ended up making my computer crash

  6. January 12, 2010 at 2:51 PM

    John thank you for each week making summerfest, and as your relationship with Beth Phoenix, The price is wrong bitch! But your relationship with Mickie, Go For It!

    (well try to before I get to her im worse then Batista)

    Neutere Yourself,
    Bob Barker

  7. January 12, 2010 at 3:33 PM

    so when does tna go mondays. i need some wrestling.

  8. Cam
    January 12, 2010 at 3:34 PM

    fuck didnt make it! i really laughed at the orton saying stupid to the raw writng team comment though. and i always woundered what the fuck is wrong with kofis chest too

  9. socialduk
    January 12, 2010 at 3:50 PM

    simpsons. am i right, do I win pride?

  10. Jay
    January 12, 2010 at 4:11 PM

    Why do Linda McMahon’s opponents not focus on her husbands treatment of midgets? This seems like a Politics 101 lay up. It would be cool to watch the little people showing up at her political rallies on there rocket powered skateboards. For stock footage you could just show her son in laws treatment of Horny.

  11. OmarTheRealPope
    January 12, 2010 at 6:19 PM

    o Cena: don’t worry kofi just ignore them that’s what i do, in fact i’m doing it right now by acknowledging the fact that i ignore them. Steroids f’d up your brain too huh Cena?

  12. countessplaten
    January 12, 2010 at 10:05 PM

    Hahaha…My comment made it. That just made my day!

  13. John Clair
    January 12, 2010 at 10:21 PM

    Hey dude, youve been overlooking my messages lately :( I had a great one too… the highlight of the night, was the recap from last week!! Come on, admit it… its brilliant :P

  14. Priceless
    January 13, 2010 at 1:02 PM

    One of those comments really hit the nail on the head – with this whole PG direction WWE is taking, what exactly the hell is their thinking process in associating a convicted rapist with face-DX, their biggest merchandise sellers?

  15. January 13, 2010 at 9:44 PM

    This makes my work day go by so much faster. Thanks for posting, John C! (no pun intended)

    • January 17, 2010 at 12:07 AM

      Ha, I like the creativity of this response.

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: