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The John Report: The Raw Deal for 01/11/10 (Orton/Cena/Kingston)

Welcome to the Raw Deal. Plugs at the end.

NOTE: Commentfest is now in here in full as of 12:30pmET, or on its own with the link on the right. Enjoy.

Live from Minneapolis, Minnesota this is the Raw Deal (sponsored by topropetalk.com – they didn’t pay me, but they asked and they have received the plug.)…

We get Mike Tyson to start us off. He’s awkward from the get go. He throws to a video package showing WM14 when he KO’d HBK. Out comes Sheamus. He questions Tyson being the baddest man. So does anybody with a brain. Tyson hasn’t been relevant for over a decade and hasn’t won a big fight in nearly twenty years considering he lost to Lewis and Holyfield multiple times. He’s also got the 40 year old man pot belly thing happening. After Sheamus came Orton. Then Cena. Then Kingston. What was great was that while Kingston was delivering his obviously scripted lines that don’t sound like him he was interrupted by the crowd chanting against Cena. It threw him off. Cena was like, “dude it happens all the time. Follow the script.” Okay, didn’t say the script part. Anyway, after all this we ended up getting a triple threat match to determine who would face Sheamus at the Rumble. Gee, I wonder who wasn’t going to win. Maybe the guy that has lost to Orton repeatedly for two months. Way to kill a hot feud, Vince. Amazing. Tyson wasn’t very good here although that should surprise nobody.

Alicia Alicia d. Kelly Kelly (1/4*)
I remember reading articles last summer when they said they’re not having women wrestle in skimpy clothes anymore. Kelly was basically wearing bikini bottoms and a bra on top. Not that I’m complaining. Kelly did some offense, but Alicia countered on a clearly choreographed spot to finish her off with a stiff looking powerbomb. They can’t wrestle well, but at least they’re skinny. Right, Vince?

They showed Cena at the Fiesta Bowl last week. They make no mention that it was opposite Raw. Shocking.

Did You Know? When I told Beth Phoenix she said something funny on Twitter I got scolded by Mickie James-Canton: “Hey! U r suppose 2 be on my side!” I am, MJC. Always. She thought I praised a comment that Beth made to her, but it was something she said to a fan. Notice the caring, though.

Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes come out to talk about the Rumble, hinting at dissention. It’s the same promo that every single team has cut for over 20 years about the Rumble. They mentioned The Marine 2. No mention of how (un)successful it is, though. I wonder why.

Legacy d. Mark Henry & Evan Bourne (*)
This was actually longer than a typical Raw match because it was four minutes instead of three. Crazy! Of course Bourne got beat up, did the hot tag to Henry, who then talked out quickly because he was probably tired from moving for twenty seconds. Get that man some Kool-Aid! NOW! There should be a Kool-Aid attendant at ringside for Mark Henry matches. He can take a swig and start kicking ass. It’s like Popeye with his spinach. Does anybody under 20 know who Popeye is? Anyway, Rhodes won with his Cross Rhodes finisher. Bourne sold it amazingly well. I freakin’ love watching Bourne wrestle. Too bad he’s jobber boy.

Hunter and Michaels talked with Shawn saying he wants to talk to Tyson. Triple H put over Tyson’s craziness even though he’s like a sedated tiger these days with all the meds he’s on.

They plugged ECW, which isn’t even shown in Canada (or at least Ontario) anymore. Thanks WWE. I know I can watch it online, but I don’t have a nice HD TV so I can watch things online.

Tyson talked with Michaels. Tyson said he didn’t regret what happened. Why do they zoom in on Tyson so much? I don’t get it. Jericho came in even though he got kicked off Raw for the second time. We’re getting Tyson & Jericho vs. DX tonight with the idea that if Jerichyson (Jericho’s name always starts off his tag teams because he’s the best) wins then Jericho gets to stay on Raw forever this time we meant it really we’re serious yeah it’s the truth. Or something. If you didn’t know what was happening as soon as this match was made then you really need to question yourself as a fan. It was so obvious even…insert name of blind celebrity (do we have to go with Stevie Wonder? Aren’t we due for a younger blind musician?)…could see it. Did you see how stupid Cole looked shadow boxing? Brutal. Somebody KNOCK HIM THE FUCK OUT~! for me. I’m begging you.

Did You Know? If you type “douchebag” into Google search you get 1,870,000 results. If you type in “Michael Cole” you get 21,500,000. Think about it.

Jack Swagger did a time wasting segment with Santino. They had an over the top challenge. Santino’s joke was that he was going to drop him like a bicycle without a kickstand. Hilarious. Then he eliminated Swagger. Who did Swagger piss off to be treated like a joke? I don’t get it.

All they’re doing by showing Austin/Tyson from 1998 – to me the best segment in the history of Raw – is reminding us of how bad Raw’s been the last few months.

Randy Orton d. Kofi Kingston & John Cena to become the #1 Contender to the WWE Title (**)
I don’t know what happened in this match. It seemed off. Sheamus came out. Shooting him from the back isn’t a good idea. The bacne he has, if that’s what it is, really shows in the HD. They did the typical triple threat spots with each guy getting falls until the third man kicks out. The problem was guys were out of place. I think it might have been Kofi, I don’t know. Anyway, he hit Trouble in Paradise on Cena, who went to the floor. Cody came in to kick the steps into Cena. The ref reprimanded Cody, which of course meant Ted would come in to interfere with Kofi. Orton hit the RKO for the win. He yelled at Kofi saying “STUPID!” while doing it. Did he miss a spot or was it in character? Who knows. Orton moves on against Sheamus. Remember that speech a few weeks back where Cena spoke of how he wouldn’t lose a match before winning the WWE Title again? Well, he lost this one. No mention from the announcers, of course. He didn’t get pinned, but he didn’t win either. That’s a loss. Like Ricky Bobby’s dad said while he was high, “if you’re not first, you’re last.”

The Miz started speaking from backstage where talked about how when he first got to WWE he wasn’t allowed to change in the locker room because he violated some rule about eating chicken and getting a ref’s bag dirty. He had to dress on his own for six months, find his own washroom and all that. I assume it’s true. Who knows? He walked out to the ring saying that MVP, the number one contender to the US Title, wasn’t in his league because he’s perfect while MVP was a criminal. MVP came out. He talked about how he made those mistakes, but he’s learned from them and earned the respect of the fans…no not the fans…the WWE Universe. Calling the people “Fans” is an illegal thing in WWE, just like wrestler is. He took off his high priced suit to get down to business and the two of them brawled. The crowd was into it. MVP kicked him out of the ring, literally. This was an excellent segment. It’s rare to see two midcarders on Raw get ten minutes to further a feud using only their voices. I liked it a lot. It reminded me of the McIntyre/Morrison segment about a month back that was effective for that feud too. Hopefully when they have the match it lasts longer than this promo. Who knows, though?

Eve Eve d. Katie Lea Burchill (DUD)
Pretty brutal. Eve Eve won. Maryse was on commentary. They face off in the next round. Eve is pretty damn gorgeous, I have to say. She is getting better in the ring although working a two minute match where 30 seconds of it is a rest hold isn’t saying much.

Smackdown this week: Batista vs. Mysterio again (third time in six weeks) in a steel cage to determine the #1 contender. I thought it would be a triple threat at the Rumble. Guess not.

Vince McMahon came out to the ring. He quickly reacted when the fans said “We Want Bret” but when they chanted “Boring” he said nothing. Funny how that works. He said Bret won’t be in a WWE ring again. Yes he will. He’ll be there next week. At least it was under five minutes.

DX d. Chris Jericho & Mike Tyson (1/2*)
Before the match started, Michaels said he wanted Undertaker to answer him about WrestleMania next week. Whoa whoa whoa, you want the Undertaker to work a Monday? That’s crazy. He barely works on Tuesdays! Michaels bumped around for Tyson shoving him. Predictably, Horny came out, Jericho turned around and ate a right hand from Tyson who KNOCKED HIM THE FUCK OUT~! to give DX the most obvious win in the history of professional wrestling. The worst part of this thing was that they put Mike Tyson, a retired boxer, over as more of a threat than HBK who is arguably the best professional wrestler ever. This is a problem, Vince. You’re hurting your talent. You’re saying a guy with a beer gut is scarier than the best in the company. Then you’ve got the announcers talking about Tyson like it’s 1990 or something. It was twenty years ago. The guy’s retired. Where was Big Show during all this anyway? I guess he was busy…doing nothing.

To the people that say they called the finish, OF COURSE you called it. It was the most obvious finish in the history of wrestling. And it was lame. The setup was lame. The finish was lame. The only thing that looked good was the dive Jericho took because he sold that punch very well.

Brutal ending. The only good thing that came of this night was that Steve Austin’s guest hosting on March 15 in San Diego. Too bad he can’t host every other one before that. I’m not really looking forward to Miami Vice and Napoleon Dynamite next week.

Three Stars of the Show
1. Randy Orton – “STUPID!”
2. The Miz
3. MVP

Rating: 3 (out of 10)
Last week: 6.5

I wanted this to be a good show. I really did. It wasn’t, though. Here’s my question: What did this show accomplish aside from Randy Orton being named number one contender? Nothing much. Yes, MVP and Miz cut a good face to face promo that will create interest for their match, but will they even get a PPV match? Probably not. The main event relied on a story from 12 years ago that they replayed half a dozen times even though everybody knew what was going to happen. To top it off, the stupid announcers actually asked if it was planned all along? Are you kidding me? Stop treating us like idiots. Stop booking shows to put the guest hosts over. Can you imagine how good Raw would be if they actually booked some of the younger babyfaces to look good? All MVP, Kingston and Bourne do is lose matches. It’s why the crowds are dead for their matches. But hey, let’s put over that guest host. That’ll help the future of the company.

You know what WWE should be worried about? PPV numbers. When a big four show like Survivor Series doesn’t even get 250,000 buys that’s a problem. You can’t base main events of Raw around what a midget might do. They don’t sell tickets. They don’t cause people to buy the show.

My pre-Raw thoughts on Twitter (twitter.com/johnreport) were: “3 Raw predictions: 1) Cole will laugh at something stupid, 2) Tyson KO’s a midcarder, 3) Jericho will be on.” Depends on what you think of Jericho, but I believe I nailed it. I thought it would be Chavo. He lucked out.

Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFest
Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFest
Here are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) after I asked for some comments about the show. The comments in green are from the commentfesters while the comments in the brackets are from me. We got just over 1400 comments this week.

I think we’ll start out with a song this week.

“I was gonna star on Monday Night Raw…but I got high.
I was gonna win the World Title…but I got high.
And I got buried by John Cena, and I know why, hey-eh!… See More
Because I got high…because I got high…because I got high!”
(Thank you, Afroman!)

Commentfest is jericho. Moses didnt part the red sea, jericho did. (This guy had a lot of pre-show comments, so I thought I’d get him in with one.)

Time for the baddest festival of comments on the planet! The most controversial Commentfest in sports-entertainment history!

Sign of the night: “Hey Cena its a Sheamus you’re going to be champion.”

I know I’m probably not the first person to say this, but I’ll probably lose control of my bowels if Iron Mike starts singing “In the Air Tonight.”

Be funny if he asked where Cold Stone was.

Continuity? In My WWE?

Tyson looked less shitty back then. (Age. It’ll do that to ya, kids.)

Tyson will punch Jericho, I’m gonna call it right now at 8:03 CT. (He called it.)

Do you think Mike Tyson would do us all a huge favour and bite Micheal Cole’s ear off!?

Wow Sheamus this early. The writing team must have just realized they gave him the belt.

Aaaw, so nice to see Sheamus and Tyson get to reenact that Paul McCartney song “Ebony and Ivory.”

I swear Sheamus is illuminating Tyson’s face.

NO OH MY GOD ITS THE VOICES COMING TO CONFRONT THE WHITE NIGHT!!!! (I think I saw that on He-Man once.)

Orton speed walking? He must going to ask Tyson if he can order some more baby oil…

Can two people of the same race be more polar opposites in color than Orton and Sheamus?

Did Michael Cole just compare Sheamus current reign as WWE champ to when Mike Tyson was coming up the ranks in the heavyweight division KNOCKING THE FUCK OUT~! of his opponents? Did Goldust box back in the 80’s? (Tyson did beat a lot of Evan Bourne’s at one point too.)

Love the sign in the crowd; “Sheamus: Eat a potato”

Tyson and Sheamus in ring is like Omar Epps and Jesse Ventura starring in Black Thunder and White Lightning in Major League 2 (Willie Mays Hayes!)

Oh boy. It’s Cena. He wants a title shot. Sky’s blue, water’s wet. Grass is green. Cena’s outfit is perpetually ugly. Facts are facts.

Punch-Out!! reference!! FTW, CENA IS NOW MY FAVORITE SUPERSTAR!!

Punch-Out!! Reference FOR THE WIN!

I put the cheat code in and beat Mike Tyson… but damn that Bald Bull and his fucking bull charge… (Same here.)

They should show training clips of wrestlers running to the Mike Tyson’s Punch Out theme.

Wait, Kofi Kingston still has relevance?! IN THE WWE TITLE PICTURE?! I thought John C said his push was over. (And I’m right. You’re welcome.)

Kofi Kingston, from the city of Ghana, West Africa, with Jamaican sounding entrance music and no accent. (Grew up in Boston. Now living in Tampa. He’s everything.)

FUCK YOU CENA i’m still in a lot of pain from that packer game, and i didnt need that reminder, jackass. (My bank account is in some pain too. Nice defense, Packers.)

This is the year of new and interesting things, like Mike Tyson and Bret Hart on Raw. (Thanks for posting Vince McMahon).

Vintage Cena Sucks chants! Are they in Canada? Or are they just realists? (Minneapolis is close enough.)

Mike Tythhhhhhhhhonnnnnn and Jack Thwaggerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr for Tag Champs. LISP ARMY!

Roy-oh Rum-boh? WWE really needs to stop changing the names of the PPVs.

IF KOFI WINS I WILL SH*T MY PANTS…OUT OF SHOCK AND JOY!!!! (Guess you have a clean diaper, then.)

Jeez, the Did You Know team sure was lazy this week. (I can write them for them.)

Where’s Crazy Crazy? His girl is on. (He posted earlier, said he couldn’t make it. We wish him the best on his crazy crazy endeavors.)

Wedding planner vs. Former exhibitionist. We all win this one.

A dead animal has never looked so good on a person as it does Kelly Kelly. (I don’t know. I miss Melina wearing the fur.)

“Entertaining matchup?” And THAT, Cole, is why everybody hates you.

kell kelly vs stevie ray whats next sharmell vs batista in naked wrestling (no that already happened) (thanks for posting batista) (actually its booker t) (sry thanks for posting booker t) (Good creativity. I think.)

Anyone remember “Tough Enough”? Do you think either of these “Divas” would have made the cut? (Of course not. And I don’t think we’re allowed to mention Tough Enough.)

Hey John Canton-James why can’t you ask Mickie to pin her opponent like Maryse? (I’m classy.)

I know for some reason you guys like her but really Kelly Kelly is a real liability in the ring. Someones gonna get hurt carrying her skank ass.

This whole diva claim thing is stupid. The only person with a lock on any diva is John on Mickie. (This is the most accurate statement in the history of commentfest. Even more accurate than the ones ripping Michael Cole for being a douche.)

I respect everything John Cena does OUTSIDE the WWE. He represents the company very well. (This is true and I 100% agree.)

I know he gets hated on but Cena is a good person in real life. (Most people with JC as initials are good individuals: Jesus, Cena, Johnnie Cochran for somehow getting OJ acquitted and me.)

Legacy, a great example of what a feud with DX can do for your career. Prior to SummerSlam, they were just Randy Orton’s lackeys. They had a good match with DX at SS, beat them at Breaking Point, then lost in Hell in a Cell (the match), AT Hell in a Cell (the PPV), and that elevated them all the way to being…Randy Orton’s lackey. That’s progress, baby.

Vintage WHAT chant!! Ah, how great it would be to hear that glass break…. (March 15th.)

Love the shots at the first Marine film. OH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Hehe “My 5th grade graduation video is superior to the original Marine”… that was actually a nice line… oh no, there is Mark Henry… (Ah, the highs and lows of Monday Night Raw.)

Somebody gonna get their thirst quenched!!!! Beat em’ up (beat em’ up). Take his snacks (Take his snacks). (I love it.)

When I see Mark Henry, I think of Dane Cook. YOU FIX THAT WALL BEFORE MY DAD GETS HOME FROM WORK!!

SHUT THE HELL UP COLE WHERES COACH WHEN YOU NEED HIM? (ESPN.)

Evan Bourne win/loss ratio for 2010 weekly update, 0 wins and 2 losses. (Thanks for those numbers.)

Mike tyson, Tiger Woods and Urkel – same voice? (And they all love hookers.)

Raw presents the Shawn Michaels Apology Tour coming to a city near you. What he should apologize for is making us watch midgets. (I agree.)

9:41 EST!! THE SHOW IS SAVED!!

Chris Jericho sighting @ 9:42 PM…business is about to pick up!

Jericho and Tyson! Jericho and Tyson!

Can someone please tell Cole to button up his damn shirt. (It’s your fault for looking, really.)

I think Cole just came in his pants because Mike Tyson is going to be wrestling…… and then to serious voices for Bret Hart.

Imagine JR being screamed at in his head-set to shadow-box like a cretinous creature on Live TV….Now we all know why he was drafted to the A Show.

LISPERS UNITE!!!

Jack Swagger is getting a new gimmick: the Newsboy.

Quick prediction – Jack Swagger, no you aren’t going to win the Royal Rumble. (Thanks for posting, Vince McMahon.)

WTF was Swagger just running around the ring like a excited kid on the playground. (He’s the new Eugene.)

SANTINO TO THE RESCUE!

Santino looks more and more like a 70’s porno star every week. (Kinda looks like my dad used to look. Wait a sec, does that mean I was conceived on…hey that explains some things!)

I’ma gonna drop you like a bicycle with no kickstand!! I LOVE Santino. :)

Gotta love Santino’s knee pads being around his ankles. You’d think his name was Melina and he was facing Batista.

You know you’re in the WWE doghouse when….

I’m surprised they didn’t blur out Shane McMahon like they did Austin’s fingers in the flashback. (Ha.)

C’mon, guys, we’re only at 712 comments at the top of the second hour? We can’t give John C. so few comments to sort through, we HAVE to keep him busy! (I hate you, Triple H. I’m not even going to thank you for posting.)

Remember when Dwayne Johnson would swear on live national TV and punch people in the balls and make sex jokes? Yeah, I don’t either. (The Tooth Fairy! Go for it!)

Y2J teaming with Mike Tyson is almost as good as when the Berzerker teamed with anyone! (Random Berzerker reference? Yeah, that’ll always make it.)

Randall “Sex on Legs” Orton….Yummy! (Posted by a woman. See, I let the ladies have their time to ogle too.)

Anyone else think it is about time for Cena to have a change in music..maybe a the same music without the lyrics.

Rivalry of the year? They obviously forgot about Chavoswaggle… (Or Punk/Hardy or Jericho/Mysterio.)

I hear “boring” chants. Man the crowd is brutal tonight! I love it. (I told ya Minnesota’s practically Canada.)

Good thing Kofi is in this match, otherwise I could have me a nice little nap.

I thought the rivalry of the year was Mickie James vs Beth Phoenix for John Canton’s last name? (No, although two chicks fighting over me does have some appeal. But no, I’m a MJ guy only. Rumors stating otherwise are untrue!)

Can someone please answer this… Why does Kofi have a cavern the size of the grand canyon in the middle of his chest?

I want my HBK. HBK standing in the ring doing nothing is more entertaining than this. (Yes. Im HBK’s super obsessive mark but John Canton said I could have him so there.) (Another woman….actually it was the same as before.)

Man, Michael Cole is orgasming over the STFU No Cole it’s not an STF, because an STF doesn’t look like complete shit.

Submissions count? WOW I HAD NO IDEA thanks for clarifying that Michael Cole, you fucking waste of life.

DiBaise looked like he completely missed Kofi and hit Orton. (The Marine 2 on DVD!)

I hate you Vince McMahon. (Thanks for posting…wait for it…wait for it…Shane McMahon! You love how he passed you over for your mom’s job, huh? What a guy!)

Heel vs heel match? Cuz that ALWAYS works…oh, wait.

At least Cole didn’t say the RKO or Trouble in Paradise “CAME FROM OUT OF NOWHERE!” (Can I claim credit for that?)

Was Orton referring to the WWE writers when he was yelling “Stupid!” “Stupid”! ?

MIKE TYSON, KNOCK THAT MIDGET THE FUCK OUT!!!!@!@!@!!1ONEONEONE1111!!!!

Tear his intestines out and jumprope with them?! VINTAGE TYSON!!

Okay who did Kofi piss off now? He loses twice cleanly to Orton…and loses a third time due to interference. It’s like if you don’t kiss Trips’ ass, you don’t get World Title shots in WWE. (Pretty much, yeah.)

You better just enjoy yourself and move on…I just hope I don’t see you tonight…Tyson shit talking best thing on RAW all week.

Cena didn’t lose. He was never pinned. Therefore he still has not lost. Someone called it earlier in the night. (“If you’re not first, you’re last.” – Ricky Bobby. He’s last.)

20 bucks says Tyson punches out Jericho. Any takers? (No. Everybody knew it.)

Oooo its Mizzy. He’s “awesome”. Not gonna lie. I started respecting him once he started imitating Jericho.

Miz wins for calling out Bourne’s Jobbyness…and sweatervests.

I like Miz’s promo. It’s different. Different is good.

The Miz’s speech tonight was a true story about several strangers picked to share a locker room… find out what happens when wrestlers stop being polite and start getting real…..

Did you hear that, john? Miz is the reason we watch wrestling, you missed that part in your article. (Now I know. Thanks Miz.)

No Miz, I watch Monday Night Raw because it is like a 17-year cocaine addiction I can’t kick.

MVP looks like he is dressed to appear in court!

“THIS IS AWESOME!” Chant: 10:29 PM EST!

I think MVP’s been watching the Discovery Channel a bit too much lately. Tigers, Monkeys, Animals, Poop… (That’s all they get in prison.)

MVP forgot to mention his affinity for weed…

I’m hearing an awful lot about 1998 today. McGwire, HBK/Tyson… etc. (I was 18 in 1998, but when I was 17 I got a fake ID. My name was Brian McGee. When I was 17. Get that reference? Win nothing, but pride.)

MVP must have started working out with HHH. (Ha, I doubt it.)

EVE EVE!!! I LOVE YOU EVE!!!

Eve got 1/2 an entrance, Katie Lea got none, Eve wins.

LOL! VINTAGE NERD!

Maryse — “Oh, my, god, Michael Cole, you vintage nerd!” I lul’d legit.

VINTAGE NERD LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Katie Lea is scary and attractive at the same time, is that possible? (I feel like 90% of women are like that. They get scary once you buy them stuff.)

Haha, Maryse called Michael Cole a Vintage Nerd! I’m in love with that woman.

Maryse is so hot she makes the sun feel its winter.

So Gail Kim has been relegated to flirting with Carlito status. What is this world coming to? (Is it an upgrade on hanging out with a drunk & high guest host like Timbaland? I’m not sure.)

Kkeep Tyson away from Alicia Fox. She reminds him of Robin 21 Jumpstreet Givens.

BORING chants. Best Raw crowd for a LONG time.

The boring chants are totally getting to Vince…maybe he’ll finally understand. (No. Old people are stubborn.)

“Is that it?” – best statement ever by the King. (Guys, if that is said to you by a woman it’s not the best statement. Not that I would know. I swear!)

Bret Hart is off Raw forever until next week just like Jericho….. Must be a Canadian thing.

It’s hard to keep up with this on a phone. Just thought you all would like to know that. (Bring your laptop to the show next week, Cena. Geez.)

The Jericho-Tyson tag team shall be known as JeriSwerve.

You love the guest hosts? That’s funny cause the fans don’t.

ARE YOU READY???? NO I SAID…. ARRRRRRRRRE YOUUUUUUUUUUU READYYYYYYYYYYYYY????? GLOWSTICKS IN HAND, MIDGET SIZED ARMY HELMET ON MY HEAD, READY TO HAVE MY INTESTINES RIPPED OUT AND USED AS A JUMP ROPE AND MY NOSTRILS WIDENED BY TYSON’S FINGERS ONLY TO PULL MY BRAINS OUT, WRAP IT IN NEWSPAPER AND THROW IT AGAINST THE WALL LIKE SILLY PUTTY….. YUP I’M READY!!! (Wow. Somebody’s not straight edge.)

Fat chick in the crowd with a “Hornswoggle is Hot” sign. WORST SIGN OF THE NIGHT.

Taker vs HBK…YES!!! The deadman does not turn down a challenge. (Just don’t challenge him in the summer or some Tuesdays because working every week is too much.)

With all of these old feuds being rekindled, can we expect Pete Rose to show up and attack Kane? (I hope.)

If dx loses then we know vince was asleep.

I feel honored to have seen Jericho’s butt crack.

Evander Holyswoggle. Wow.

OMG Evander Hollyswoggle???? ARE YOU F’N KIDDING ME????

Vintage @ 11:05!!

VINTAGE Tyson Knock OUT!!!!

Vintage Predictable Swerve @ 10:05 Central PM!

VINTAGE TYSON~! 11:06 PM EST!

OMG, ITS A SWERVE GUYS~! TYSON DOESN’T HATE HBK~! WTF?! MY MIND JUST EXPLODED DAMNIT~!!! SHOCKED OF THE YEAR!!!!

If Cole references The Hangover one more time I’m running into oncoming traffic.

I am going to write my own blog tomorrow titled “Why We Hate Wrestling” and use the end of this episode as a jumping off point… (Good luck, Vince McMahon.)

Did you know that my girlfriend got mad at me AGAIN for looking at Eve tonight. (she didn’t claw my eye this time though) (Vintage whipped guy.)

Certainly didn’t see that coming did we, so predictable yet again :(

Who did not see that ending coming from a mile away?

RAW is Hornswoggle! (An odd way to end commentfest, isn’t it? I think so too. )

But wait, there’s more!

I decided to open up the comments to my followers on Twitter. I should point out that I had facebook before Twitter and I’m at over 1,300 facebook friends while I’m almost at 500 Twitter followers. Their comments will be in blue. Keep in mind that you’ve only got 140 characters or less on Twitter, so you have to be creative with your usage.

Tyson could’ve appeared on the old folks reunion last week on TNA & what happened to Kofi’s accent? Did it switch promotions?

wait for it…… wait for it…… wait for it…… ahhh there it is. Tyson says triple treat (threat) Match. (Lisp jokes are so classy.)

Its 9:25 est…I bet my left ball that Evan Bourne/Carlito lose their respective match.. (Got one right!)

Geez, leave it to an ear biting, gambling, alleged rapist to tell of Hornswaggle. Way to go PG Vince…(thanks for posting Jeff) (Jeff Hardy, I assume. See, it’s hard with only 140 characters!)

Y2J = midcarder? Pretty close though (He does lose too much.)

Raw was sub-par as usual. I hope it’s good again one day. (Thanks for posting again, Vince McMahon. You love me on Facebook and Twitter. What a guy.)

That’s it. It was the debut for the Twitterfesters. They weren’t ready. It’ll be better next week.

————–

I would be honored if you checked out the the petition created by my friend CJ Duncan to get me hired by WWE. We’ve got nearly 500 names there after about a week, which is pretty impressive. If you haven’t given it a look and you’re a fan of my work please do so. It would mean a lot to me.

I wrote a column called Why Do We Like Wrestling? on Monday. I think the title is pretty self explanatory. Sometimes we tend to wonder what made us fans in the first place and why we’re still fans today. I try to answer some of those questions. I’ve been pleased with the response so far. Give it a look.

Thanks for reading.

John Canton – oratoryjohn@gmail.com
Check out the blog at: johnreport.wordpress.com
Add me on Facebook at Facebook.com/thejohnreport and Twitter at Twitter.com/johnreport

Visit My Archives to view ten years of The John Report columns.

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  1. Michael Ryne
    January 12, 2010 at 2:13 AM

    I would like to clarify one thing, I was not bragging in commentfest that I called Jericho getting punched by Tyson after finding out he’d be teaming with him. All i was bragging about was that I said Jericho would get punched by Tyson well before we found out he would be teaming with him. Lol, just had to get that out there. I agreed with you on most things for this week’s raw. I thought The Miz’s promo was excellent and was surprised they actually gave MVP some decent mic time as well.

  2. J.C.
    January 12, 2010 at 2:44 AM

    Tonight was pretty brutal. But for once Cole did come through with a nice Hangover comment/plug at the end of the show. Tyson was great in that movie. His entrance music should have been Phil Collins. That would have been Vintage!

  3. Jericho
    January 12, 2010 at 5:09 AM

    You were wondering why they zoomed in on Mike Tyson’s face also, huh? Well my thought was that, that particular segment was taped separately from the one involving Jericho and HBK, probably due to Mike Tyson fucking up his lines or some shit.

    And can’t Raw pull at least one decent show. It has been two or three years since the last time I went “WOW” to anything WWE related…

  4. toby tobias
    January 12, 2010 at 7:50 AM

    never thought i’d say this, but the miz made that show watchable. that was one of the best promos i’ve heard in a long time. his pacing was great, his message made sense, he wasnt awkward. michael hayes said a long time ago a good heel has to believe he is in the right no matter how big an asshole he is. it came across that Miz believes he’s the greatest thing ever, regardless of reality. rest of the show was awful, although that alicia powerbomb to kelly was sick.

  5. Yaz
    January 12, 2010 at 8:54 AM

    Ugh… What a horrible RAW. I think the biggest problem is that it is litteraly the same shit every week. So incredibly boring, I’m surprised the fans weren’t chanting that all through the night. With the exception of the Miz/MVP promo, which, oddly enough, was probably the best thing on the show, this episode was just terrible.

    Jericho is awesome. I can’t believe he’s been pretty much jobbing week after week – it is criminal. I can only hope that this will all pay off somewhere soon and Y2J will be the domninant heel he once was, rather than this jobbing machine that keeps getting kicked off RAW week after week… I really think he’s pretty much taken Chavo’s spot. Hopefully this stint won’t last quite as long.

  6. Jay
    January 12, 2010 at 9:24 AM

    I liked the Miz v. MVP promo. It was the best nonJericho promo on Raw in ages (DX Yawn Promos included) But the fight following the promo was awful. They botched as many moves as a Lacey Von Erich match. Calling it sloppy would be a compliment.

    If the purpose of the guest host idea is to get casual fans to watch, why do hosts who are irrelevant in the public eye need to be made to look strong at the expense of people on the payroll? In the real world, moral is really lifted when corporate sends in the paid consultant to tell you how to do your job and your work buddy gets laid off because his job is redundant. I am sure that all of the people jobbing to these C list stars feel much the same way. Hosts should enhance talent, and talent should not enhance the host at the expense of their career or overall respect for the business.

    I wonder when Screech, McLovin, Arnold Horseshack, and/or the guy in the movie who invents a bad new persona for himself will host raw? Will they get a clean pin over Chavo or Jericho? George Foreman loves money. I bet George will be knocking out the Miz or Evan Bourne by the end of the year.

    Why doesn’t H3 get knocked out by Cliff Claven and his loaded mail bag? Horney could pin him. That would be funny. But H3 doesn’t have the balls to do it. I guess the steroids have shrivled them up. But he is a man who thinks that spitting on himself is clever.

    Sorry, but the bad booking is really starting to piss me off.

  7. Aaron
    January 12, 2010 at 9:41 AM

    I’d rate this show a notch higher than John did.. maybe a 4/4.5 on a 10 point scale. Thye began name dropping the Rumble (Ted/Cody).. Even Swagger’s mic time was great, but like John said, who did this guy piss off to have to job/not be on TV?

    I guess I just didn’t think Tyson was as bas as I thought he’d be. The craziness he showed the midgit was funny to me. Jump roping with his intestines.. the only bad part is that it didn’t happen. Yes, very predictable, wish it didn’t happen and it left a sour taste in my mouth (Why is Tyson’s kid in the ring?).

    But like most here, I AM getting tired of the guest host being put over at the talent’s expense. Enough’s enough already. I hope they run this guest host thing until Wrestlemania and then STOP… honestly I wish they’d stop it now, but that’s not happening.

    I guess the triple threat match was alright (not great) the Miz/MVP 10 minute segment was very good, and I wasn’t all together disappointed with the guest host gives me a better impression then what I’ve read thus far… Other than the main event, (and it’d predictable finish) I was enjoying the show for what it was.. They promoted the Rumble, didn’t put over Super Cena, and the guest host didn’t mess it up…

    Again, I’d give it a 4 or a 4 1/2, not like that’s a great rating here either… It’s still promoting a boxer who hasn’t been relevant for 10 years, and hasn’t won anything in 20… but he did rape a bitch.. that’s something… and we still had the tired and boring time fillers like Santino and Kool-Aid man.. I actually laughed at the Punch-Out!! references by Cena.. though he took it a bit too far there. Obviously.. room for lots of improvement.. that I don’t see coming yet.

  8. Les Hewitt
    January 12, 2010 at 10:21 AM

    A Raw moment of 2010 would surely be The Miz throwing some of that monkey poo and aim it at the Raw bookers.

  9. Jon
    January 12, 2010 at 10:33 AM

    Cole laughing at something stupid is a gimme. When doesn’t he do that?

    • January 16, 2010 at 11:54 PM

      True. I never said I was making hard predictions.

  10. January 12, 2010 at 11:03 AM

    The Miz/MVP bit was definitely the best part of the show for me. It put over their feud, showed Miz as being a pretty damn good heel (or at least getting there) and switched the focus from backstage skits, Cole shadow-boxing or Jericho being on Raw for the LAST TIME EVER~! back to the Wrestling which is what we watch for. OK, it wasn’t a match, but it was as close to wrestling as we were likely to get.

    The finish to Orton/Kofi/Cena was shoddy. All that build-up for Ted to run in and slap Orton’s stomach instead of Kofi’s leg, then Orton screaming STUPID~! and some obscenities in Kofi’s direction because of the finish to the match – from the looks of it, he was going for a punt & Kofi didn’t set up right for it, but… who knows. Speculating is fun, though. At least a Raw match got longer than 4 minutes. That was a plus.

    Long gone are the days when a Raw main event was something exciting that went for 20 minutes or so and ended on a cliff-hanger making you want to tune in the following week. All that ever seems to happen now is the obligatory guest host crotch-chop with DX to close the show. It’s tired & boring.

    We need a permanent GM for Raw, an end to the need to pander to audiences that will only view once to see a guest host and some bloody wrestling on what is supposed to be the company’s biggest draw in terms of TV time. I remember when I would be cursing myself for not having Sky Sports, meaning I couldn’t watch Raw (this was back in 2000-2005ish before I got the internet & downloads) and instead I was stuck with “just” SmackDown. Now I know why I am, and always will be, a fan of Team Blue instead of Team Red.

  11. KeyserSoze
    January 12, 2010 at 11:25 AM

    Did anyone else see the Benoit sign in the crowd? You can see it when Tyson knocks out Jericho. I also found it funny that Kofi got distracted from his rehearsed lines by the crowd chanting “Cena Sucks”, and maybe Orton said “STUPID” because Kofi botched a spot or something. I know he has anger problems and all, but those things happen — no need to be an ass about it.

    • Aaron
      January 12, 2010 at 2:12 PM

      Saw the Benoit sign, as well as the old “WWF” scratch logo sign that will have to be blurred out in the future… kinda funny, but at the same time, could be mroe creative.

  12. David McMillan
    January 12, 2010 at 11:26 AM

    I can’t disagree more with most of what was written in John’s post and in Comments.

    1st, I’d rate this RAW a 7 or an 8. It was by far the best in some time, and I think Tyson added A LOT to the show as a guest host, actually a lot more than Bret Hart did (WWE really wasted Bret). I like John, or else I wouldn’t be reading this blog, but only sentimentality would leave anyone to believe Tyson wasn’t a better host than Hart.

    The triple threat I thought was a great match. Orton winning was a complete suprise. While Kofi Kingston winning was what I wanted in my head, that would have been so Telegraphed . . . Orton winning is a pleasant suprised, and maybe he and Legacy and give Sheamus a legitimate win / push, with Orton falling short and having a FULL Fallout with Legacy.

    Or, have Ted Dibiase win the Rumble as Orton wins the belt from Sheamus.

    One thing for sure, thank god Cena didn’t win it.

    Overall it was an entertaining RAW, only annoyance is watching Vince and Co. bury Bourne and Swagger. Why did you promote them to RAW?

    • Sam
      January 12, 2010 at 1:24 PM

      7 or 8? Seriuosly? Were you watching the same raw we were? And di you even watch last weeks Raw? Ill agree they didn’t use Bret to his potential but it was far better than this weeks Raw…

    • Aaron
      January 12, 2010 at 2:14 PM

      Gotta agree with the panel.. I actually enjoyed some of Tyson, but overall, not a great show.. I stick to my 4.5 out of ten..

  13. Bryan
    January 12, 2010 at 12:12 PM

    I know we’ve all said it a thousand times before, but i dont care. WWE is getting really hard to watch. Right when you think things are changing for the better, it gets dumb again. I don’t think WWE cares what we want. I dont think Vince McMahon even likes professional wrestling. I think people like vince have “NO” business in pro wrestling. Hell they aren’t even allowed to be called wrestlers. Its incredibly STUPID!!! THEY ARE FUCKING WRESTLERS! THEY WRESTLE! Well except guys like Cena and Batista. But for the most part THEY ARE ALL WRESTLERS! I’m just sick of the frustration that WWE causes me. I’m sick of NEVER feeling satisfied after RAW. We’re lucky to have other options like Ring Of Honor. I always get my wrestling fix watchin those guys. I keep hoping WWE will change and get more serious and have more epic matches and stop with the stupid comedy shit and midgets. And STOP BURYING GUYS THAT DESERVE A FUCKING PUSH!!! I dont think it’ll ever happen. Lance Storm said it best. He said 3 things the wrestling business needs today are Bookers rather than Writers, Logic rather than Comedy and Wrestling rather than Sports Entertainment. I agree!!!

  14. Yaz
    January 12, 2010 at 2:13 PM

    It is funny how we all bitch about it but continue watching though. They’ll never change if they continue to generate an audience.

  15. Anonymous
    January 12, 2010 at 2:30 PM

    John, I love your blog posts (most of the time) but your opening paragraph to the RAW Deal this week just annoyed me.

    First, the Kofe/Orton feud was hot for ONE NIGHT and that was in Madison Square Garden. It just has not been as compelling a feud as you have imagined. Just listen to the response Kofe gets in the ring, on average. He’s luke warm at best. The guy is a decent performer in the ring so I root for him (as you obviously do), but the guy is NOT going to be a star. He is NOT a future champion. They nixed his push because it was the right move. They took a chance with him, and the fans did not receive him well enough. End of story. He’s not as good as you think. The feud wasn’t as good as you think.

    Also, I like you criticized the writers for giving Kofe lines that “don’t sound like him”. How about Kofe sucks on the mic! Yeah, that sounds more likely.

    Secondly, no reason to shit on Tyson. He’s relevant, even appearing on Opera within the last 12 months (not a fan of the show, but most of the guests are relevant to society usually). I also think he did a great job and the crowd was hot for his match. Also, despite having a gut now, and not having won a fight in 20 years, most people probably believe (myself included) that he could still kick the shit out of most of the RAW locker room.

    The ending was predictable, but I found it entertaining. RAW was not as bad as you made it out to be and definitely deserved higher than a 3. It was, admittedly, NOT a good wrestling show, but it did get me excited about the Rumble.

    I would have given it a 6. Entertaining show that promised better things to come.

  16. Tabitha
    January 12, 2010 at 2:38 PM

    I was out and tuned in just in time to see the last match and Vince’s Academy award winning speech. Okay not really.

    But from that 15 minutes I have a few observations:

    1) Listening to commentary, which exactly is more awesome…”vintage” or “classic”? Should we take a poll?

    2) If HBK/Taker II happens, and Hornswoggle interfers…will he be Druid Swoggle? Swoggle Bearer? The Swoggle of Wrestlemania Future? Or Dead Swoggle? (Okay that’s just me hoping.)

    3) Wow. Tyson siding with the other team. That never happened before. (Saracasm KTF off.)

    4) Reading John Canton’s Raw Deal with a side order of Commentfest IS more fun than actually watching Raw. Four out of five dentists agree. (Mine didn’t, because while reading, I stabbed my gums with a Cheez-it. Long story. But it hurts and I’m HARDCORE.)

    5) GOOOOOOOOOOLDEN RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!

    That is all. Good day all!

    • Tabitha
      January 12, 2010 at 5:07 PM

      Oh yeah, and 6) DON JOHNSON? WTF? WHO’S NEXT, ERIC ESTRADA???

      • Ryan
        January 13, 2010 at 12:14 AM

        only if he comes to the ring wearing his ESTRADA glasses from the Burger King commercial with that NASCAR racer who is giving the class on how to advertise or something like that

        • Tabitha
          January 13, 2010 at 10:29 AM

          Hah! On his CHiPS cycle.

          Wait a minute..this might BE better than Don Johnson…

  17. Brian W.
    January 12, 2010 at 3:39 PM

    Hey John, here’s another another good guy whose initials are “JC”: Jesse Custer, from Garth Ennis’ award winning PREACHER comic series from DC/Vertigo!

    And yeah, this week’s Raw really did suck ass. Another lackluster effort from the soap opera reject writing team. But then again, how do you follow last week’s Hart/Michaels in-ring reconcilliation? Maybe a good match or four with young, talented stars getting pushed, but…oops, no overthinking allowed in “sports entertainment”..

    I did love that threat to Hornswoggle by Tyson. Too bad he didn’t follow up on it.

    • January 16, 2010 at 11:55 PM

      I have no idea who Jesse Custer is, but I’ll take your word for it.

  18. rob
    January 12, 2010 at 7:34 PM

    What was with the JBL name drop during the Miz rant (above average rant, BTW). Did everyone hate JBL, or is it just me??

    • Anonymous
      January 13, 2010 at 8:56 AM

      What was with the rant? Maybe anecdote Miz told actually occurred.

  19. Aaron
    January 13, 2010 at 1:34 PM

    Rumors were alwasy abound that JBL was quite an asshole behind the scenes. (See: Blue Meanie). He appeard to be full of himself, and believe he was better than he actually was.

    I give Bradshaw credit for making something out of his career. He was a good speaker, but an average in ring performer.

  20. January 13, 2010 at 2:48 PM

    I don’t really have a comment on this weeks Raw, but wasn’t sure what to do with this idea for John. Basically, I was thinking that it would be cool if you wrote a column about angles/feuds: good ones, bad ones, what helps start them/keep ’em going (beyond just heel vs. face). This would be a great article and maybe WWE would study it.

    Also, I have to “DX” plug my blog that I just started. Its solely comments, opinions, and ideas on WWE programming. Please visit and thanks (http://regularguy87.wordpress.com/)

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