The John Report: The Raw Deal for 01/25/10 (Cena/Sheamus)

Welcome to the Raw Deal. Commentfest is posted as of 1pmET and can be read in full by clicking RIGHT HERE.

Live from Columbus, Ohio this is the Raw Deal…

The hosts are Dule Hill and James Roday from the USA show Psych, which I’ve never seen (yes I know Mickie was on it before, don’t yell at me) although Roday had his appendix removed in an emergency earlier in the day, so he wouldn’t be there.

Are you ready? I guess we are since DX came out first. In great news, we found out that Shawn sent Hornswoggle home (is that under the ring?). That makes HBK one of the three stars of the night automatically. Shawn and Hunter basically said they’re each going to win the Royal Rumble and that they will easily take care of the 28 other guys by working together. And if Hunter doesn’t win, he’ll just get daddy in law to book him against Sheamus anyway. Oops, he didn’t say that. I ad-libbed there. Anyway, they’ll work together until they’re the last two. Thanks for letting us know the plan.

DX d. Legacy (*3/4)
Remember when this was a feud that stretched over three months where DX supposedly “put over” Legacy by winning two out of three PPV matches, the last one in decisive fashion? Yes? Well, Legacy doesn’t remember since they’re back to being jobbers here. At least they lasted long enough to get a commercial break in. That’s something. It was a typical match with Legacy working over Shawn, Hunter cleaning house with the hot tag and as he went for Pedigree, Shawn tagged himself in to piss off Hunter. Cody shoved them into eachother, they sold the friction a bit and HBK superkicked Dibiase for the pin. Match was about 10 minutes, which is an eternity for Raw. Nice to see that. I love how the announcers put over Legacy making the final four last year, yet this year there’s no chance of that happening. That’s called LOSING momentum, not gaining it.

MVP came out before his match with Big Show. Good promo as usual from him. He basically said Miz was a chickenshit hiding behind Big Show and that he would have to defend the US belt at some point. When? No idea. That would be booking ahead. They don’t do that. Miz came out, he cut what has become a vintage MVP promo by bringing up his time spent in jail (been three years of these promos, so it earns vintage status). Miz delivered a good speech like usual, but then MVP added in some gay prison jokes, which I guess are PG since none of the kids in the crowd likely understood it. Big Show came out. The promos were good. It was better two weeks ago because the material was much better and felt more natural.

Big Show d. MVP (SQUASH)
That’s my new thing for squash matches. No ratings. MVP lost in about a minute. Big Show’s a threat for the Rumble. Shocking. The problem with MVP/Miz was that as soon as MVP stopped talking, he lost a match in one minute. One minute! Why should fans really care when he wrestles Miz if he’s losing in a minute? I know Big Show’s a top guy that’s established, but the good promos get wiped away when as soon as you put the microphone down you’re the loser.

Crazy Vince is going to give us a Bret Hart update. In other words, he’ll be back next week like I’ve written for a few weeks now. But don’t listen to me, wait for Vince.

Backstage, Orton talked to Legacy. Complained about how they weren’t there for him last week because they were too busy arguing. I’m calling Orton losing on Sunday thanks to Legacy screwing up on the interference. The breakup starts at the Rumble.

More backstage, Cena talked to Dule Hill (the black guy from Psych) who said that James Dulay was out with appendicitis. Cena told him to be comfortable on the show. Miz walked in, said he didn’t know who he was, he had to google his name (I guess that’s a burn?) and he should be on Psych instead of Cena. Hill ripped him for ripping off the “Really?” bit from SNL, which frankly was a good shot. I didn’t know much about Hill going in, but first impressions were good here.

Maryse came out to cut a promo. Said the other girls were wasting their time in the worst tournament ever (I threw in “worst” and “ever” for show) when pyro started going off. It was Dule messing around. Oh, the kids today and their pyro.

Maryse d. Eve (1/2*)
Here’s the thing with Eve. She looks great and you can tell she can hit the moves, but her transitions are brutal. She needs to work in punches, kicks or knees to piece the match together better because right now it looks painful. I have faith in her because unlike some of WWE’s diva search girls she does look like an athlete. Eve went for a top rope moonsault, missed it and Maryse picked up the pin with her French Kiss DDT. The Maryse pin was fantastic this week. I enjoyed it very much.

Here comes Crazy Vince.

Crazy Vince Addresses Bret Hart
As Vince walked down to the ring, I reminisced about the greatest Royal Rumble moment ever: Tearing his quad getting into the ring at the 2005 Rumble. That’s the best. The SEATED PROMO~! is classic. McMahon came out to say there’s no good reason to bring Bret Hart back because everybody forgot about him until HBK told him to bring him back. Not true, but he’s a heel, so it works. He said we won’t see Bret again. He then walked out into the crowd and talked to fans, one of which was a John Report reader named Wes. The first guy Vince talked to was Wes (more on him later). I’m sure that was pretty surreal for Wes as well as the other fans Vince talked to. He even mocked a few of them. Classy, Vince. Cue a babyface…it’s John Cena. He mocked Vince’s purple suit, which led to Vince mocking Cena for his clothes. Go Vince! Cena talked about the history of McMahon screwing over older wrestlers when they were done and that he was sick of it. He even said that in 26 years when Vince is 90 he’s going to pick him up out of his wheelchair and knock his teeth out. Vince probably won’t be in a wheelchair. He’ll have too much pride. You see this promo by Cena? He’s such a good talker when he’s not talking like he’s busting out his Sesame Street style kid promo. He said if Vince doesn’t bring Bret back he’d be proving that he’s an egomaniac. The talk worked because Vince said he’d invite Bret next week. I think that’s a good idea to announce it beforehand because of the positive ratings they got on January 4th. There were rumors that Bret would show up unannounced, but I think it’s better this way.

The promo was really well done. Vince had a lot of vigor with his words and like I said Cena was able to talk like an adult, which helped make it work. I think casting Cena as Mr. Babyface wrestler that respects what Bret did worked well because the guy knows how to talk. I enjoyed it. Vince also announced Cena vs. Sheamus later in the night. Could Dule Hill change the match to something else if he wanted? I don’t know. My fault for asking questions.

Kofi Kingston d. The Miz (*1/4)
Hey look, a champion in a non-title match. I wonder who will win? They worked for about three minutes. It was okay, but you knew it was going short because they were hitting some of the bigger spots fairly early. MVP’s music played. That distracted Miz, so Kofi won with a Trouble in Paradise kick. Then MVP came out to smile. When is the US title match? We still have no idea. I’ll guess it’s the night after the Rumble. Who knows?

Carlito led Dule Hill to the production area. He showed him around. I guess if you never get booked in matches you can learn where production stuff is, eh? Dule pushed some button and Carlito would have to wrestle that person next. Carlito disputed it saying he didn’t have his gear. So you’re a professional that doesn’t bring your gear? What a career! The person Carlito will wrestle is Kelly Kelly.

The Carlito/Kelly thing never happened. Santino came out, cutting a promo. He was funny as usual. Jack the Jobber Swagger beat him up. They finally realized booking a guy strong might actually help his career. Nice. Swagger flung Santino face first into the ring post, knocking him out. What did the announcers do while Santino was laying there in a heap? They busted out the SERIOUS VOICES~! for him. That’s good to hear. I haven’t heard the SERIOUS VOICES~! in so long that I thought maybe they were wished the best on their future endeavors. Glad I was wrong about that. Enjoy your 2 minutes in the Rumble, Swagger.

They ran the Royal Rumble video package. Awesome like usual. I love this video package showing all the numbers focusing on the history of the Rumble. They even stole a song from NFL Films for it. Also, voiceover guy is great. Does he work weddings? I could use him one day.

Backstage, Cena talked with Dule Hill with Roday on the speaker phone. He said Sheamus was the son of Carrot Top and Berzerker. That made me laugh. Alicia Fox came in. She thought Dule was the psychic on Psych when it was actually Roday. He said he sees an Alicia win coming. Heel vs. heel? No. Cena worked in a Tecmo Super Bowl reference, so good for him for that.

Gail Kim d. Alicia Fox (1/4*)
No entrance for Gail. They screwed up a spot right away. Gail was going for what looked like a reverse Frankensteiner, which was botched, and the match never really got going. Gail won with her foot to the head, arm breaker move. Alicia sold it for maybe 3 seconds before walking over to Dule and slapping him in the face. Way to put over the winner. I love how this ended with Alicia Fox’ playing as if she won. Even when Gail Kim wins a match, which is rare, they don’t put her over. Gail vs. Maryse is in the finals. The women on SD are so much better, both in

Anybody notice a sign during the Alicia beatdown of Dule Hill? I sure did.

Thanks to Wesley Burden for that plug for The John Report. Pretty cool to see that on Raw for a good five seconds. Sure, he may have screwed up writing the sign at first, but persistence paid off. Thanks Wes. My email and twitter were blowing up during this.

Next week: William Shatner guest hosts. He’s 78? Damn. Bret Hart will be on next week from Nashville too (the second Raw in Tennessee in the last three weeks).

Sheamus d. John Cena via DQ (**)
They worked a ten minute match that was physical. They really tried to put over how tough Sheamus is by having him knock Cena out to the floor repeatedly with Cena beating a long 10 count at one point. The story was that every time Cena went for the AA or STF, Sheamus was able to counter it. I thought it was well booked for the most part. I actually have praise for the announcers because they did a good job in putting over Sheamus by saying maybe he’s the guy that has Cena’s number. What they’re telling the viewer is maybe Cena can’t beat him. I liked the way they put Sheamus over in that way. The finished came right around the ten minute mark with Cena out on the floor. The whole match I was looking for Orton to come out because they barely acknowledge the Orton/Sheamus match throughout the show, so when he did show up to hit the RKO on Sheamus I didn’t really groan because I expected it. The match ended with a DQ. It’s the right booking. Obvious? Yeah, but it’s the right booking.

Post match, Orton went after Cena with his DDT only for Cena to counter with the AA. They ended the show with Cena celebrating while the two guys in the title match were out of it. Did You Know? Sheamus can counter the Attitidue Adjustment even after taking a pounding during a match, but a fresh Randy Orton cannot counter it. Now you know.

Three Stars of the Show
1. Wes for the TJR sign. You bring a sign that we can see, you get a star automatic.
2. Shawn Michaels for keeping Hornswoggle at home.
3. (tie) Vince McMahon for making fun of Cena’s clothes even though the merch sales puts money in his pockets.
3. (tie) The video package for the Rumble. That was great.

6.5 out of 10
Last week: 3

It was nice to see two matches hitting the ten minute mark. Why can’t they do that every week on Raw if they can do it on Smackdown? I’ll never understand. In terms of promos there was some really good work done by McMahon, Cena, Miz, MVP (even though he’s booked like a loser all the time) and Dule Hill was pretty good too. You could tell Dule’s a skilled actor because he knew what he was doing in front of the camera. Sure, he’s not a big name, but he didn’t hog the spotlight or take control of the show like they book some of the other guest hosts. I thought he was fine.

The show was a big improvement last week. I was hoping to find out that The Flame was going to be in the Royal Rumble, though. What a letdown. Let’s hear it for friendship!

Bret Hart back next week? I’m excited.

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Commentfest is posted as of 1pmET and can be read in full by clicking RIGHT HERE.

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Plug time. In case you missed it, here’s my column that I posted on Monday previewing the Royal Rumble all the way through to WrestleMania that I call Rumbling to WrestleMania 26. I’ve got a lot of good feedback on it so far. Check it out.

I’ve put up some polls on my blog asking you who you think are winning the matches at the Rumble.
To vote for the winner of the Royal Rumble match go here. I posted it on Sunday. Right now Michaels is in the lead.

To vote for the winner of the Michelle McCool vs. Mickie James Women’s Title match go here. Posted it on Sunday. Right now Mickie’s in the lead.

To vote for the winner of the World Title, WWE Title and ECW Title matches go here. For the ECW one you can pick Christian, Jackson, DQ or “ECW Still Exists?” I think the fourth option is going to win, knowing my readers.

Keep checking out the blog all week. I’ll have some Royal Rumble stuff including some classic videos and maybe a top ten list of my favorite moments in Royal Rumble matches. I’ll think of something. I’ll likely have a brief Rumble preview up on Thursday as well. Talking Smack will be on the weekend as always although it will be much later on Saturday because I’ve got a bachelor party on Friday. It’s not Vegas, but we’ll make it work. Don’t tell the wife, okay? Thanks for the advice, Tiger Woods.

Thanks for reading.

John Canton – oratoryjohn@gmail.com
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