Home > The Raw Deal, wwe > The Raw Commentfest for 02/08/10

The Raw Commentfest for 02/08/10

I wrote the Raw Deal earlier today, posted it at 1pm and you’ve hopefully read that. The link is at the right here on the blog. Commentfest, featuring Facebook and Twitter, is going to be a Tuesday evening posting now. I would say that anywhere between 6-8pm ET is when I’ll be posting Commentfest from this point forward.

Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFest
Here are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) after I asked for some comments about the show. The comments in green are from the commentfesters while the comments in the brackets are from me. We got just over 1600 comments this week.

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, John Canton-James proudly brings to you: One half of the WWE’s real weekly shows, The “Double dud” to the “E” connected to “R” to the “AW” son, it’s two hours of the most thirst quenchin’, OUTTA NOWHERE!~ happenin’, John Chayna havin’, Midget gaggin’, two old men with a twelve year old’s mind braggin’, non MJC draggin’, KTFO smashin’, LLLLLEEETTTTTT’SSSSS GGGEEEETTTTTTT RRRREEEAAADDDYYY TO COMMENTFEST! (Wow.)


Can I call up Vince now and BEG him to have Maryse pin Serena..repeatedly..in the center of the ring…even though they don’t have a match tonight? (I approve. Don’t tell the wife.)

commentfest virgin…and i refuse to use protection when everybody gets ready to suck it….how’s that for pg?

Three guarantees tonight: 1) Maryse wins Divas title, 2) SES wins tag belts, 3) Santino/Evan Bourne/Chris Masters jobs. (Wrong on all three. You probably picked the Colts to win too. So did I! Fucking Manning! Wait, off topic.)

(Use Sir-Mix-a-lot’s Baby Got Back)
I like Commentfest and I can not lie,
You other jobbers can’t deny,
When your glowsticks in place
And baby oil on your face
Talking about Mickie James-Canton’s pie

So get drunk when you got it made
Mark Henry bringing Koolaid
With the awesomeness of Miz
Vince and the Kids
Or six-minute enterances

We got Vipers and we got Kingstons
Or is it Johnson, what’s his name son?
Is this MVP
On my TV?
Oh never mind, that’s DX plugging their DVD

So Evan
Primo, Chavo, Carlito
(Not Cool)
You ready to job
On Monday Night Raw
Too the guy who I wish I never saw

So to my Commentfesters
And Kelly Kelly Molestors
Sit back for a time
While Sheamus makes you go blind
As we enjoy this quality time

Commentfest! (Wow, that was a fantastic intro. I will give it ****1/2 out of 5. Thanks Andre! Amazing work, man.)

If punk loses im gonna drink and shoot up. Save me punk.

I wonder how long till Cole busts out a “Vintage Evan Bourne” next time he gets pinned in a match. Oh yeah Mickie James-Canton rocks. (Good question and the MJC reference gets you in.)

DID YOU KNOW: While waiting for Raw, I’m watching Spongebob right now because I…..have a child! 10 years ago it was because I…was stoned!

Commentfest virgin popping my cherry (01:56GMT) (I hope they were gentle.)

Ok Canton-Nation…..I have a question to ask…Are you Ready?…No No, I implore you fine young men and women, Are you ready? Then for the hundreds on Commentfest, and the millions of notification emails that will be sent, LLLLEEEEETTTTSSSS Get Readyyyyy Fir FRIENDSHIP!!!!!

John Canton James > John Canton Stratus (I never thought the day would come, but yes, this is true. Sorry Trish.)

Yeah, the commentfest!! The only reason I look forward to RAW. (Thanks for posting, Vince McMahon!)

And these were all pre-show. There were more, but I figured more about the show would be nice. Right?

Could you imagine the pop if they had Drew Brees guest hosting tonight in Louisiana?

Triple Threat ELIMINATION match. That means HBK definitley gets pinned to lose the titles. (Thanks for posting, Triple H. We know you can’t get pinned. You’ve trained us well, sir.)

Let me tote my gun! NASCAR!

Isn’t this the exact same intro as those last NASCAR guys had? That’s just fucking lazy.


KELLY KELLY = CHANGE OF MIND. (Well played caps locker.)

OH OH here comes crazy crazy.

Kelly Kelly’s voice is Annoying Annoying. (She can talk?)

Bella Whores sighting @ 9:06!

Midget sighting 2:06am GMT! Kick in the face 2:07am GMT… we can hope!

Backflip…..8:06 cst

Cheap Superbowl pop at 8:07 CT

He’s already surpassed a lot of WWE talent in terms of talent (I’m looking at you Mark Henry). (Yes but does he have a theme song that says “SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET THEIR THIRST QUENCHED?” No.)

See what happens when you dont take steroids HHH…you can do backflips and not worry bout tearing a quad.

Blindness @ 9:09 EST. Glad I wear my sunglasses at night. (“You know who wears sunglasses indoors? Blind people and assholes.” – The great Larry David.)

You know the generic wrestler you get when you start create a wrestler and then you mold him into your own? Well that’s Sheamus.

The Evil Ronald McDonald is here. You would think the WWE would give him some street clothes or somethin…or at least a t-shirt.

Do you think Seamus is like that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry’s girl had a bunch of the same outfit in her closet? Does he have other clothes? (Love that episode. I’ve had similar conversations.)

I hope Kofi doesn’t hurt Orton’s pretty and shiny car… Oh wait, that was the last time we had a Nascar guest host. I couldn’t tell. (Are we supposed to remember three months ago? I don’t know if we are.)

9:10 EST, I marked out for christian.

FUCK!!! Christian on RAW!!!!

I just peepgasmed.


Christian claims Nascar is huge in Canada, John we’ll need you to verify that. (I once dated a girl that liked NASCAR. On the date, I turned right a couple times and she was all confused. It didn’t last long. What? Not funny? Fine. Leave me alone.)

Dead for WNBA reference. (Yeah, that was weird.)

Hey, this host is actually good!!! What a surprise!!!!!!! (I would say he doesn’t suck. Good is stretching it.)


Please Jesus and the other Holy people let this mean Christian is coming to RAW for good!

Ok if we get Christian, Edge, Jericho and Bret Hart this will be best show ever! (All Canadians, just like me. You’re welcome, rest of the world. Now please don’t hurt us. We’re nice.)

This Peep just cried out loud with joy when Christian’s music hit…and it’s taken me about 3 mins to type this due to my inability to multitask. Can’t wait til he comes to the big shows.

Christian reads Commentfest! Tanning Salon, moving Chrisitian to the main event eschilon…. What next? John Canton as guest host? (They wish.)

Lack of last names for the win.

Sonofabitch if you didn’t call it John. Christian’s a free agent. I think Crazy Vince follows your columns. (Of course he does. You naive people don’t believe me. He loves me. Calls me all the time, says I’m his son. Then he goes on these rants bitching about how Shane McMahon is an ungrateful bastard…I usually just hang up. That’s why he’s Crazy Vince.)

I found out why Sheamus is so white… he wanted to copy Legacy but had no budget so he rolled in baby powder instead!

Wow referee OUT OF NOWHERE.

Wrestling in the opening segment? Hell hath done frost over. (Techically it’s segment two.)

Floor to commercial spot! 9:16 PM EST~!

Note to NXT superstars: Befriend HHH. Both Sheamus and Thwagger beat their chest like idiots and one guy wins while the other loses…

I just wanted to let everyone know that I found the gym where HHH works out, so I will see you at Wrestlemania (I am going to be there when he tears a quad or an arm or something…)

Christian back on raw FUCKING FINALLY!

Damn, I looked up at my screen and the arena lights suddenly dimmed… good thing Sheamus is wrestling…

Christian looks even more dayglo orange when he’s fighting Sheamus. (Captain Clementine.)

It’s about time the Warlord got his due and is inducted into the Hall of Fame. (He’s no Koko B. Ware.)

Damn John, Vinnie Mac better start paying you if he’s gonna keep using your ideas on WWE programming!! (Maybe he is.)


Two weeks before the end of ECW and Christian is already jobbing on RAW. (Shouldn’t surprise anybody.)

That crowd got quiet QUICK after the kick.

VINTAGE STEALING THE NAME TO FINLAY’S MO…whoa, they didn’t do it this week.

I’m impressed with tonight’s start. Hopefully it keeps up. (That’s what she said. For both sentences.)

Does HHH know that Roaddogg and Xpac won the rights to the DX brand at Fully Loaded 99? They’re owed a shitload! Two words for ya…Law-Suit.

Haha it’s all about you NOW? Where you been the past 10 years HBK?

Is it really exclusive if Smackdown showed it last Friday?

WOOO BATISTA TIME!! YEA! LETS GO BATISTA BEAT THAT ORANGE SHIRT WEARING CENA! (It’s a woman poster. I think she wants to get Batista’d.)

Christian is gonna join Evan Bourne on the 2010 jobber’s list. Vinny Mac is a dick. (He spent a lot of time there from 2001 to 2005. He knows.)

HTMFA to HBK- “I wanna be champ again so lets just drop the tag belts tonight and wait to team up again in a year or so.” (You. Me. Summerslam.)

Batista came on Raw to teach Cena a lesson: Restraining orders be damned, those are MY Divas.

VINTA… sorry EXCLUSIVE footage.

That movie? That doesn’t do anything for anyone’s standards! It was horrific!

Teddy is gonna be a star!

SES!!! It’s so close to S-E-X!!!

Straight Edge Messiah @ 8:37PM CST!!

Serena sighting 8:37pm CT.

If DX wins we riot. And by riot I mean type angrily on our keyboards threating to never watch WWE again. (Me? I type happily.)


Hey you all… I heard a rumor that John Canton’s mouse broke because he was double-clicking to much to look at Mickie James-Canton’s Valentine’s pictures? Can anyone deny or confirm this? (Not true because WWE.com put up old Valentine’s photos. They’re still nice, but can’t a guy get some fresh ones to look at?)

Serena is surprisingly pretty hot.

I bet Batista plays the “five dollar footlong” song whenever he walks into the divas locker room.

I’m not calling dibs on any Diva, I’m just planning on doing a John Terry on the ones that’ve been called. (That’s a “fucked around with another man’s woman” reference for those not in the know.)

Lol CM Punk has a point. Down and out, you do drugs and alcohol. You have success, you do drugs and alcohol.

Am I the only one who put his hand on the television screen?

Jared’s a celebrity? Man Louisiana must suck with celebrities…

Jared from Subway? Is he there to do an intervention with Mark Henry? Subway IS healthier than Kool-aid. (That’s more of a WrestleMania moment.)

That is epic. FETCH ME THE JARED.

“Luke, Serena….Go Get Me Jared from Subway!” QUOTE OF THE YEAR!

VINTAGE DX INTERRUPTION! We haven’t had one of these since… ummm… what guest host was it? Ah fuck it, vintage rave interrupting SES. (There you go not remembering things. Proud of you!)

Serena looks like she ripped off a hooker in the Quarter for those earrings. Or maybe she got them from the Bellas. (So that’s why I like her! The hooker thing, I mean.)


I can already imagine the mash up of songs for Big Show and Miz.


I want Kelly Kelly!!! (Too late Crazy Crazy.)

Teddy Long is here! There is no bloody way that SES doesn’t win! (Oops.)

CM Punk looks like an alaskan fisherman with that gnarly beard. (Sarah Palin? I’m not going to thank you for posting.)

Did you know? John and Mickie James- Canton are the nicest people on Twitter! (Blatant sucking up = you’re in.)

I’m drinking mountain berry kool-aid now. 1 pouch for the record.


That was so sweet of Triple H to defend Serena. Maybe he is now the SES Avenger.

Ohhhh shit theres a riot coming.

Dammit…SES doesn’t get any bit of the tag titles. LAME.

Wow, CM punk lost? Wtf…

Even if it was JR or Matt Striker in Cole’s place, they’d still have to do the whole ‘longest running show ever’ shill. (Yep. Maybe Vince should do commentary and say it.)

Out of Nowhere at 9:03CST!!

WTF King? Big Show does that god dam sidewalk slam every fucking week.

From out of nowhere x2! 3:05am GMT!


2 out of nowheres in 5 seconds…Cole’s new record.

VINTAGE~ 3:06am GMT! (That was a CFest virgin, he was proud of that.)


VINTAGE! Triple H…ripping off Arn Anderson.

VINTAGE HHH 9:06 cst!



DX lost?? NO SHIT KING!!!

Hey thats a decent enuff consolation prize – ShowMiz are awesome.

I like the Miz and all…..but bring Jericho back!! Jerishow was much mo’ bettah than the The Miz Show… (Yep.)

Who wants to bet that Cena sells the powerbomb as well as he did the punt to the head from Orton?? (You win.)

5 BUCK BOX, IT ROCKS IT ROCKS! Why can’t Charles Barkley host RAW? It’s TRBL without him.

Well John… they’ve ripped you off again lol

Big Show reads Commentfest.

Miz was catching up on his Commentfest after the match, clearly.

John, are you sure you’re not booking shit? (I don’t book shit, I book Smackdown.)

It looks like they answered the Commentfest debate. Showmiz it is.

Hah showmiz they really do read commentfest thats twice big show has stolen ure material.

It’s official dude, they really are nicking your nicknames – showmiz! TM Canton (The assist goes to Whipped Guy also.)

HBK doesnt care about DX, well me and Shawn have something in common.

Shawn Michaels somehow getting in the SD Elimination Chamber, I honestly think John is booking this show lmao. (I told ya.)

OK seriously? John they totally read your shit. HBK is even taking it. (Thanks Whipped Guy. Hopefully he reads the HBK column I’m writing soon.)

They should pay you John. First they take your ECW free agent idea, then your Showmiz. Maybe they are starting to realize who their best writer is. (I want to get paid in cash only.)

Triple H: “What are you doin, Shawn, it’s Black History Month for godsake!” (Yet no MVP, Henry or Kofi wrestling on the show. So racist!)

Teddy Long just KTFO!!! Playa!

Now THAT was OUT OF NOWHERE~! (Yes it was.)

Shawn must have pictured Teddy long as a 10 year old girl!


Maryse called cole a vintage nerd!!! yes!


Damn divas match. Whipped guy out.

jillian best raw evarrrrrrrrrrrrrr beat that skanky canadian (The Jillian Guy!)

More false advertising on the women’s title not actually being decided on Raw. If I cared…I’d be upset or something.

Cole’s serious voice after “serious” things is pretty serious. Seriously. *low voice tone*

Ugh!!! Jillian Hall? Y her when Kelly Kelly is backstage!!! Raw suuuuuucks!!!!! (Crazy Crazy, you missed her!)

Wow. That Divas match was shorter then Ric Flair’s first marriage.

Did you hear that? Mayrse just said she wants to have sex with me!! Trust me, I know french.


Million Dollar Man. YES!!!!!!

TNA Cast Members FTW!

I wonder who will induct The million dollar man?? (The Marine 2.)

Vintage the guy that replaced Hulk Hogan on the intro.

The little black kid should’ve grabbed DiBiase and said.. Hands off my mama, hands off my doritos and hands off my basketball.

Everybody’s got a price for The Hall Of Fame…hahahahahaaa.

Why is Jared here? Anybody? (Because WWE is stunned that Subway sponsors their show.)

It’s like free money, but in card form! SANTINO RULES!


It amazes me how people cant figure out where to post their comments for commentfest. (Yes. Most agreeable statement in Commentfest this week.)

Hey wasn’t Springer big during the late 90s when WWF was big? Strike while the iron is hot.

Maybe next week jerry lawler will get a boner because they have the same name. Tune in to the longest running episodic tv show in history. (Remember the TV show Growing Pains in the 80s had a guy named “Boner” on it. Now you couldn’t get away with that. Think about it.)

It’s like he doesn’t have as much oil because the other members of legacy didn’t oil him. Because of scheduling conflicts.

What an upset! What a WILD Raw!

WTF is this shit WWE? Cody Rhodes did not get an entrance! He could not have won! (It’s madness.)

When is Nintendo going to sue Cody Rhodes for his use of the Triforce on his boots?

Springer is hosting next week? Sweet fuck…. I will be SOOOO hammered…. (Thanks for posting, CM Punk.)

The WWE has the best video editing people ever. Not being sarcastic. They can make Jerry Lawler taking a poop seem like the most important event in human history. (I’ll hire them for my wedding. And also Shatner to sing “Here Comes the Bride” at the wedding too.)

LOOK AT THAT CRAP JOHN CENA IS WEARING!! (thanks for posting vince)

Botchtista vs. Cenation – Your time is up, your time is now. You’re old enough to be her father, her time shouldn’t be now!

RAW’s been good, but I’m sure there are some very thirsty people that would disagree. Shame on you, Mark Henry.

Hey there Wrestlemania 22! (Are we allowed to remember four years back? I wish we knew.)

Vintage oil spots on the mats from DiBiase’s body…ew.

Vintage Cena rampage.

Remember kids. If someone messes with you, be sure to take it out on someone else. (Thanks for posting, John Canton. Really, when I have kids that will be what I tell them. Stay away from the big dudes.)

Today’s After School Special: If a bully beats you up after school, find somebody weaker than you the following weak, choke him out, and then call out the bully that beat you up and don’t even ask why he beat you up… (Another quality lesson for the kids.)

This is the biggest WWE sensory overload ever….we have…SuperCena, SERIOUS VOICES….someone get Batista from the Divas lockerroom…someone is on the floor commercial break…….all happening at the same time!

Cena didn’t know it was a commercial. He wasn’t on the floor.

Oh I cannot wait for Cena driving a beer truck into the RAW arena and beating the crap out of Vince… oh wait… (Maybe he rent the Kool-Aid truck from Mizark.)

Vince totally saving the segment. I love over the top Vinnie Mac. (Really? I have a thing for “set falls down on him so he starts calling HHH ‘Paul’ Vince.” That’s my favorite Vince.)

“SEAN PAYTON LOVES BUSH” sign of the night.

“Maybe he just doesn’t like you john!” (I’ve heard that before, except it’s usually a “she” there.)


John Cena obviously missed Business 101.

“Don’t make me Angry Mr. McMahon… you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!” (Thank you Bruce Cena Banner)

Just marked out for John Cena’s speech!

Haha, silly commentfesters! You thought you were getting a wresting match during the last 20 minutes of RAW! (Booker T voice) Suckazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!

I hope Bret is in Des Moines next week…where I will be in the arena. Holding a John Report sign. (I love Iowa!)


mark mark mark mark the fuck out yall.


C’mon, Bret! At least one sharpshooter! (No, you pay for that at WM26.)

VINTAGE CANADIAN SNEAK ATTACK!! You Canadians are very sneaky, John…. (Don’t tell MJC.)

“YOU DESERVED TO BE SCREWED! YOU DESERVED TO BE SCREWED!”…I’m going to use that the next time I make love to my girlfriend…. (Make love? Just replace that term with “Cantonize” and you’ll feel better.)



I enjoyed my first commentfest, there was 1 big problem tho. I spent so much time typing and reading commentfest posts I hardly saw anything of Raw! Was it good? Now at 4:10am GMT I am going TO FUCKING BED! (That was one of the Commentfest virgins. He made it out okay, everybody! He’s okay!)

Dare I say it: Best RAW since…. a looooong time. 8/10 easily.

Other than ShowMiz winning the titles instead of the “Straight Edge Society” I thought this a good RAW. WWE is in full WrestleMania buildup mode.

Great show if you ask me, surprising consistency by the writing and booking teams. Vince has always been perfect at the angle where someone hates him so much, yet cannot get their hands on him.

I love how they took Showmiz from ya JC. Way to keep the JC naming legacy going. KOOL-AID!!! (So will they say Mickie James-Canton on TV now?)

But wait, there’s more!

I decided to open up the comments to my followers on Twitter. I should point out that I had facebook before Twitter and I’m at over 1,500 facebook friends while I’m just over 600 Twitter followers. Their comments will be in blue. Keep in mind that you’ve only got 140 characters or less on Twitter, so you have to be creative with your usage. For whatever reason, the Twitter comments were WAY down this week. Not sure why. I asked for comments. Just didn’t get that many.

Christian! Best RAW EVER by default.

Just wondering…do you think WWE is going for a Jesus, Mary, and Judas thing with the Straight Edge Society? (Maybe, but there will be more people.)

That’s not a punt kick Cole, that’s a fake wrestling front kick. Sorry for being behind. Workout ran long. I was with Triple H. (Jack Swagger?)

“FROM OUTTA NOWHERE!”….. I’m not drunk enough for this… and a VINTAGE in the same match!!!

I hope you’re on the commission for the naming of tag teams!

I fkn love maryse VINTAGE NERD! I love Maryse!

Good Triple H vs John Cena I haven’t seen this match ever. I hope those yungins can pull off a great match.

Hey I just finished watching Raw and I pinched myself and I was awake!!! I couldn’t believe there were actually wrestling matches.

Where were you Twitterers? I don’t understand.

That’s it for today. Have a good one.

John Canton

  1. Jim
    February 9, 2010 at 7:32 PM

    My John Terry comment made the cut, that makes me very happy.

  2. Lou
    February 9, 2010 at 7:44 PM

    yes I made Commentfest! for the first time ever!!!!!! that Baby Got Back song by Andre was kick ass, way to go dude

  3. countessplaten
    February 9, 2010 at 8:05 PM

    Ok if we get Christian, Edge, Jericho and Bret Hart this will be best show ever! – my fave comment for the night! Awesome Commentsfest as usual :)

  4. jay
    February 9, 2010 at 8:05 PM

    Vince’s anaconda don’t want none unless you’re 7 foot 1.

    Bruce Cena Banner = Old School $$$$

  5. Kyle
    February 9, 2010 at 8:08 PM

    woohoo! My 1st commentfest and I made the draft! I feel so proud

  6. Dre
    February 9, 2010 at 8:09 PM

    Let’s see… eight last week, seven this week… I’m in a slump more than the Boston Celtics…

    • Jacob
      February 10, 2010 at 9:04 AM


  7. Matt
    February 9, 2010 at 8:44 PM

    For anyone who wants to rap along to baby got back, heres an instrumental version of the song :D That was awesome.

    • Matt
      February 9, 2010 at 8:45 PM

      lol almost forgot the link

  8. Daniel
    February 9, 2010 at 8:57 PM

    I thought I had some pretty clever stuff this week… damn…

  9. roler42
    February 9, 2010 at 9:37 PM

    i had no internet on monday, so i didnt make it to the commentfest, buuut i will say here, that they also said “MIZ SHOW” and i have to claim THAT I WAS THE FIRST ONE WHO SAID IT! AND IT WAS ON COMENTFEST!

  10. Edswoggle
    February 9, 2010 at 10:57 PM


    • February 10, 2010 at 11:09 AM

      It’s not new. Been using it for three decades and two centuries, my friend.

  11. February 10, 2010 at 2:25 AM


  12. Oxide
    February 10, 2010 at 2:34 AM

    “Now THAT was OUT OF NOWHERE~! (Yes it was.)”

    John, I’m assuming that comment was about Shawn kicking Teddy Long, so WHY is it out of no where?! He was standing right in front of the guy! Ohhhhh, are you starting to see that unexpected finishers are the real OUT OF NOWHERE~!s? ;)

  13. JCITY617
    February 10, 2010 at 3:52 AM


  14. Kiefer
    February 10, 2010 at 4:43 AM

    i admire the time it takes you to do this john, thanks :)

  15. Tabitha
    February 10, 2010 at 11:05 AM

    You rule John.

    I am SO bummed I missed the tag match!

  16. Y4J
    February 10, 2010 at 2:23 PM

    With all due respect John, I know that you have been calling them Showmix, but come on, it’s obvious that it was either going to be Showmiz or Mizshow. It wasn’t like there was this long list of names and you found the needle in the haystack lol.

    Great column.

  17. Y4J
    February 10, 2010 at 2:23 PM

    I mean Showmiz

  18. Jon
    February 10, 2010 at 2:51 PM

    This commentfest gets ****3/4. Fucking epic. Only negative was that I missed Raw for work.

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