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The Raw Commentfest for 02/15/10

Welcome to Commentfest. I wrote the Raw Deal last night, posted it at 1am and you’ve hopefully read that. The link is RIGHT HERE on the blog. Commentfest, featuring Facebook and Twitter, is going to be a Tuesday evening posting now. I would say that anywhere between 5-8pm ET is when I’ll be posting Commentfest from this point forward. I did half of it last night while I watched Raw, so I’m able to get it up at about 5:15pmET this week. Not bad.

Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFest
Here are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) after I asked for some comments about the show. The comments in green are from the commentfesters while the comments in the brackets are from me. We got 1500+ comments this week.

John Canton-James proudly presents to you – Raw is Commentfest!!!(1st commentfest post ever!) (See that? I like to put over the rookies. Just like HHH. Oh wait.)

ARE YOU READYYYYYYYYYY????!! I CAN’T HEAR YOU- ARE YOU READYYYYYYYYYY???!!! ARE YOU READY FOR MIDGET KLAN MEMBER LEPRECHAUNS & MAE YOUNG’S HAND FINDING OUT WHO’S ITS REAL DADDY &…the return of Jamie Noble & Nidia? YEAH FUCKING RIGHT- SHEAMUS POWERBOMBED HER OUT OF HER DAISY DUKES! WOO-HOOO!!! ARE YOU READY FOR STEVE WILKOS TO KNOCK YOU THE FUCK … See MoreOUT THEN PARADE OUT SOME PEDOPHILES??!!! ARE YOU READY FOR A VICKIE GUERRERO CAMEO WHICH WILL OBVIOUSLY LEAD TO A SPRINGER-STYLE FOOD FIGHT? Are you ready for this FINAL THOUGHT; This might very well be the WORST RAW EVER (and considering that the last 3 have been actually pretty good- it’s a HUGE POSSIBILITY)…If you’re ready for all of that- the you are ready for THE ONE…THE ONLY….COMMENTFEST MOTHERFUCKKKKAAAAAASSSS!!!! (Wow. Not straight edge.)

To the tune of Coolio’s Gangsta’s Paradise…

As I watch Raw on tv I am holding my breath
I take a look at Mark Henry and realize there’s not much left

Cause Bourne’s been flipping’ and jobbing so long that
Even Carlito thinks that his mind is gone

But Hunter aint never put over a man that didn’t deserve it
John Cena selling a move, you know that’s unheard of

Miz better watch how he talkin, and where he walkin
Or MVP might have him lined in chalk

I really hate to trip, but I gotta loc’-
If i see another host, i’m gonna bust a cap fool

John Canton’s the kinda G the little homies wanna be like
while HBK’s on his knees in the night
Sayin prayers in the street light

Been spending most our lives watching wrestling, it’s a paradise
Been spending most our lives watching wrestling, it’s a paradise
Keep spending most our lives watching wrestling, it’s a Paradise
Keep spending most our lives watching wrestling, it’s a Paradise

Commentfest, FOOL! (I love Coolio! Good job!)

Booze check. Smokes check. Heroin check. Ok I’m not straightedge but I’m screwed up enough to make it through raw.

Me: “Elimination Chamber isn’t politically correct for Germany”

My brother: “Why’s tha…OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!”

Man I had to go to school today, on PRESIDENTS DAY!!! Vintage Communist school system.

HOMETOWN SINGING SENSATION…..OUTTA NOWHERE!

Did they name their band Nickelback because every time someone sees them in concert, everyone walking out says, ‘That band sucked, I want my nickel back.’ (Yes.)

I really hope Batista wasn’t there to greet this girl after her singing. (You know, there were A LOT of Batista jokes about this girl here, but I’m only going with one. I have a lot of respect for badass grandpas that wear golf shirts to go with their pierced noses.)

Happy Presidents Day, America! Here’s a Canadian band singing about balls out!

Today is mine and my girlfriend’s anniversary, but I dumped her for commentfest. (Love that commitment!)

Look at that STUPID ORANGE CRAP Sheamus has on his head and face. (Vinny Mac!)

They should have let Mickie James-Canton sing the anthem and John stand at her side! (I agree. I should be her agent.)

Wait wtf? The Westminster Dog Show is getting preempted by RAW?!?!?!?!? (Thanks for posting, Mike Vick.)

Orton is taking his time tonight. He had to stop a minute to catch his breath…and then one more time to prep himself for the stair climb…you can do it Randy.

John Cena vs HHH!! WOOHOOO what a main event!!! I’ve also never seen a WWE event.

GODDAMN Randy is fine! *pants* I want him…And HBK too. You can slither over me anytime Randy. (Posted by a woman. See, I’m an equal opportunity supporter of fawning over people. And yes, I’m shocked that I have women readers too.)

Baby Oil vs. Aloe….get ready dermatologists everywhere…

How does the Elimination Chamber work!? This has been explained less than the Royal Rumble! (They told you later in the show. You’re welcome.)

Apparently they’re still allowed to cut to commercial break even if the guy willingly goes out to the floor rather than being thrown out. (As long as the dude is out on the floor you can go to break. That’s the rule.)

Cole promoted a goddamn DOG SHOW while the WWE champ was in the ring, about to fight a top contender and superstar. This is why he’s a tool and should be homeless. (Vince and USA made him do it, but we’ll still blame Cole. That’s what we do.)

Oh yes King, we have seen this many times from “the viper”: stomp, pacing, rest hold.

To Michael Cole:
I know you read commentfest, so I feel that you will see this. I am here to inform you that you are the worst commentator I have ever heard. seriously, you make me wish Tony Schiavone was back introducing “The single biggest night in the history of our sport!” every week. So in conclusion, please choke on your words, you douchenozzle fuck.

Sincerely, Commentfester 106 (This same guy earlier in Commentfest had an Okerlund/Hogan parody earlier in Commentfest that I chose not to post. Why? Because he had me in the Hogan role. I am not orange.)

Orton’s like, Did this just fucking happen again?

Uh oh….trouble in baby oil paradise….

listen to those cheers. the fans are def forcing wwe’s hand on turning orton face. you can even tell they talked differently about orton throughout the match.

Two RKO’S! OUT OF NOWHERE!

20 Championships between them and over 40 superstars burried between them.

How many times is Cole going to say WrestleMania worthy. (Better than calling it Sports Entertainia worthy.)

(serious look) Can HHH really headline Mania once again?…(turn around with another serious look) Is John Canton infatuated with Mickie James- Canton? (It’s like you’re on Entertainment Tonight as they go to a commercial break asking so many questions. Not that I would ever watch that show or anything.)

DID YOU KNOW: We brag about beating meaningless NBA games in Feb, but we get our ass kicked every Monday when football is on!

Did You Know? I am Ready to STRAIGHT EDGE!!!!

Bret looks….um, terrible. Sorry, Canadians, but he looks like hell… (At least you said sorry. That was very Canadian-like. We accept the apology.)

When is WWE going to Canada so I can hear a real pop for Bret? (May. And if he’s not there I refuse to go to Raw since HBK will be on his vacation too.)

Bret looked a little like Ozzy coming down the ramp… (First commentfest post!)

Hey! Batista should stay away from Kelly Kelly if he knows what’s good for him……or until he kills me.

CRAZY CRAZY with an out of context Kelly Kelly line…OUTTA NOWHERE!!!!!!!

Bret Hart getting “what” chants. How fkn disrespectful!

Oh shit Bret said fans…not good. (But he did say Universe. I think he’s okay.)

Who’s that guy? Oh wait, it was Primo….

I want Evan Bourne’s shirt!

Bret’s limo is gonna explode! (Or worse.)

So this hallway is where all those guys that don’t get used hang out! WE FOUND THEM!!!! (Yeah, they don’t need to go in the locker room since they are never used.)

Did anyone else notice that Bret said goodbye to all the Jobbers? Gail, Alicia, Bourne, Kobe Johnson… Damn that was creepy.

Serious voice time for bret’s career.

LETS HEAR IT FOR PUTTING THE CAR IN REVERSE WAAAAYYYY TOO SOON!!

VINTAGE woman driver. (I never said it!)

LMFAO,Cena wanted to make it look like he pushed the car all by himself. Omg this segment looked fake, man it was shit.

OH NO, BRETS LIMO EXPLODED! Or, y’know, something.

This is the most talking Gail Kim has done since she joined WWE again. (Yeah, I loved how she promoted the Divas title match on Sunday. Oh wait, they didn’t even mention that the whole show. My bad.)

Conveniently placed ambulance and leg brace for the win.

This changes nothing! Now Bret will walk EXACTLY like Vince McMahon does. If anything this evens the odds at Wrestlemania!

Is it just me, or can NOBODY leave Raw in a limousine anymore without sustaining serious injury / kayfabe death? (Never go in a limo if you’re on Raw, that’s the message.)

How awesome would it have been if “random blonde bad driver” told Cena she couldnt see him…so she backed up. (Haha.)

Don’t you just hate it when you REALLY need a doctor, but all that’s around is mid-card jobbers?

Hope Stone Cold isn’t in the ambulance again… (I wish he was!)

Oh great now we have to see 200 Replays of Bret’s “injury” all throughout RAW….That’s why they put on Bret so early!

Ha. Yhe reverse lights on that BMW were on when Cena walked away.

Serious voicefest!

~SERIOUS VOICES~!

“Quick, what’s the number for 911?” “Just hit 2 a bunch, you’ll get there.” (222-2222 – If you’re ever in an accident in Des Moine, Iowa that’s the ambulance number. I learned something this week.)

Does Big Show’s music just combine with everything? (Apparently.)

Bret survived a stroke and this is the worst night of his life?! Cole you douche-nugget!

did cole just say worst night of his life? not the screw job, the concussion, owen, divorce or losing friends over the years…no the worst is a shitty angle where a car traps his leg- michael cole needs to take his face for a shit!

Cole and king need a slap. Worst night of brets life? Montreal, stroke, owen dying…..no?

“HEY…KOOL-AID!”

KOOL AID AND THE CONVICT!!! OOOOHHH YEAAAH! (Catchy team name.)

Hide your children…Mark Henry is on the loose, and he’s hungry.

Like Tropicana I got the juice, you want Kool Aid I got that too…I’M THIRSTY. (Who has the vodka? The drunk driving chick that drove into a limo?)

Jerishow >>>>>> Showmiz (Yep.)

Was the lady Hogan’s ex wife or his daughter? (Thanks for posting TNA)

Very interesting dynamic of the Miz/MVP feud (if that’s still going on..): one guy comes from an instiution where he was surrounded by the dregs and scum of society…and the other guy is MVP.

I wish Mark Henry’s moves were named after Kool-Aid flavors. “There’s Henry with a vintage Cool Berry Blue Slam”

Affirmative action because it’s black history month?

Damnit, I just realized were going to have re-live that car segment, set to dramatic music and screen effects until Wrestlemania. (Yep. With SERIOUS VOICES~! too.)

$10 says this next bit somehow involves Hornswoggle… (This was talking about the Springer segment. Winner!)

Relationship: Mae Young and Mark Henry, Lita and Edge, Jeff Hardy and weed, Chris Masters and his tits, Hornswoggle and Triple H (I guess Stephanie didn’t know about this).

Did you know? Triple H doesn’t job to anyone in the Elimination Chamber except HBK.

Did you know? No WWE superstar has ever won the Elimination Chamber twice…except for Triple H, who is married to Vince McMahon’s daughter and therefore is able to win every match ever created.

Did Jerry steal that extremely enormouobscenly awesome JeriTron 5000?

Cue Crazy Crazy!

Kelly Kelly = Crazy Crazy comment swiftly coming.

Kelly kelly!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! (There he is!)

When it comes to Kelly Kelly Jr. Crazy Crazy, you are the father!!! (Thanks for posting Maury Povich)

Kelly was with Mike Knox and Balls Mahoney…’nuff said. (Gotta love those 19 year olds as stripper days.)

because she slept with all the guest hosts… (Thanks for posting, Jerry Piven. Summerfest!)

Kelly is playing up her whore status!!!

YES! SANTINO!!! He hit her with the Cobra!

OMFG. SANTINO PLANTED A SEED IN KELLY KELLY. haahahaha.

BEST SEGMENT EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

What!!!!!!!!! Cheated on me with SANTINO!!!?? (Poor Crazy Crazy. I’m tearing up.)

LOL! Santino calling Jerry, Maury…hahaha wonderful.

I AM PAPA!!!!!!!!!

NO NOT A LITTLE COLE!!!!

Kelly Kelly needed somebody to finish the job? is Batista hearing this?

Crazy Crazy is getting ready to assassinate the father.

“YOU LOOSE LIPPED HUSSY!!!” (That’s the best Cole-ism since his Slammy Award speech.)

“Wait a minute Cole, YOU IDIOT!” – Jerry Lawler. Best line of the night.

“YOU PICK UP YOUR DATES AT RECESS??”” OMFG

Don’t you know Grandmaster Sexy? You’re kid is gonna be a screw up! Best line ever!!!

Bella Bellas! I smell HLA…. oh wait this is PG… They are going to say they all slept with Santino… (Or worse.)

Canton, shoot me now. This is terrible. I take back everything I said about Raw. (Thanks for posting, Vince McMahon. I’m not a violent person. Ask somebody else.)

This is so stupid where is the midget?

Best segment in 6 years.

Just stop this. Please. Anyone. HORNSWOGGLE SAVE US.

I AM PAPA……GRANDMASTER SEXY reference……just think really hard about those two AWESOME moments and maybe the rest of this will go away. (I wish it went away.)

*Spoiler*Chyna’s the father*/Spoiler*

I have never been happier to see Chris Masters in my life.

If Brie is really a man, then i officially declare myself as gay!

Come oooooon!!!! Noooo (Poor Crazy x2 is tearing up!)

Umm… So those really good Raws we have had lately? Thats over. Back to the same mind erasing crap we had last year. Sigh.

I’m about to puke, so I can look at something more entertaining. (Thanks for posting, Droz.)

LET’S HEAR IT FOR WASTING MY TIME.

This segment is beyond bad and more fitted for 1999 when Jerry Springer was actually relevant.

I wish I had Ranjin Singh’s sideburns. Those are fucking amazing.

So is it my baby? I hope so, Kelly Kelly is beautiful! (Crazy x2 is classy, people.)

This is one of those, I’m really embarrest to watch this show kinda moments. And for gods sake why is it still on? This has lasted longer than any match all year on RAW.

Vintage channel change at the sound of Hornswoggle music.

OMG…A little kid in the crowd just laughed and clapped in joy when he found out that Hornswoggle was the daddy. (See, the kids love it!)

My gf just said “You dont need to watch Master’s titty dance, the Bella sluts, or Crazy Crazy’s orange faked tanned wife.” So in other words my gf even knows of the name Crazy Crazy. (Thanks for dropping the knowledge, Whipped Guy.)

I think I just died inside.

No, wait.

Yeah, I did die inside.

That was the best shot of Kelly Kelly ever!!! (See? Crazy Crazy loved it.)

This is the worst raw segment of 2010. I really want Randy to come out and yell “STUPID STUPID STUPID!”

THANK YOU RUNJIN SINGH!!!! Most truthful thing said all night.

Thank you all that is holy for this being close to over. Maybe this is how Lost will end. Jerry Lawler comes out on the island and says that everything was a farce and that Vince McMahon is the smoke monster. (And Kate Austen-Canton can come to her husband.)

And this is why I am bitter….I used to defend wrestling…saying that it wasn’t as bad as it seems…..Well, thank you WWe for killing that for me…I cannot defend this shit that we are witnessing…it is awful and juvenile….and God Dammit, did they just say the midget was the father of the sluts baby? Come on, guys…this is weak and pathetic, even by the extremely low bar that has been set by the previous RAWS……Fuck You Vince!! (I feel better now) (This is even better when you consider the guy that posted this has a picture of Fozzie Bear from the Muppets as his facebook photo. Fozzie Bear is pissed, Vince! Fozzie Bear! Also, do I get points for googling to see if it is spelled Fozzie or Fozzy? The things I do for you people.)

Mae Young is there!!!! John called it in his chat… (Meh, I did, but it was easier than Kelly Kelly.)

I hate myself. I just saw Mae Young on tv. I will now stab my eyes out with a knife. (And he never posted again…RIP Eye Stabber.)

Hey John, can we give Mae Young a star of the night? lol. She’s what like 90? lol (No.)

This is why Smackdown is the better show.

Wow……I just realized that I’ll never get that 10 minutes of my life back…..definite waste. (It was nearly 15!)

To semi-quote Billy Madison, not only was that segment dumb, but we are all now dumber for having seen it. May god have mercy on our souls.

10:12 pm EST: This will be the time that I turn off my TV and cry myself to sleep after see that trainwreck of a segment.

Eh sweet fuckin lord… half an hour ago it was all serious voice 40 minutes ago for bret’s accident and then this jokey horseshite that seems to be going on forever an ever… Shane got out of here in tons of time.

No revealing the intimiate relationships of Mickie & John? (Maybe when Raw’s in Toronto.)

Did You Know?….That more people vomitted during the Jerry Springer segment during RAW than the part of Ace Ventura Pet Detective when everyone found out that hot detective had a weiner. (Finkle is Einhorn? Einhorn is Finkle? Einhorn’s a man!)

What a car crash segment. To think we all moaned about Chavo v Hornswoggle, yet I spent 15 mins wanting it back!!! I feel violated!!!

I’m so angry that I just watched the Springer segment. I feel like I should apologize…to myself.

I miss Mike Adamle. (And I think that puts a bow on how bad that segment was. Missing Adamle.)

Hold up, Morrison gets a DVD and he didn’t even win a World title? I want a copy of Matt Hardy: In the shadows of my brother’s success.

It’s the Jamaican Sensation…no no no…the Ghana Great.

Is that Dixie Carter I can hear laughing her designer socks off at how bad that Jerry Springer segment was. (Yes because the Nasty Boys = money!)

If Cole had sex with Kelly he’d be screaming “that was Vintage 20 second sex.” (Now YOU have to try to get that image out of your head just like I have to. Feel my pain, readers!)

So, I’m gainfully employed and have never seen a Jerry Springer show. If this is what it was like, then, thank god I work. (Thanks for posting, Shane McMahon. You don’t work, though.)

Meet two people HHH won’t put over and have NO chance of winning the elimination chamber. Why do we care about this match again? (WWE doesn’t care either. That’s why it got 1/5th the time as Jerry Springer.)

KOFI LOST A DREAD!

From out of nowhere at 3.22 GMT

Inoki V Ali = FREAKING AMAZING

There was some Japanese MMA fighter and after his match he went up to Inoki and Inoki SLAPPED THE FUCK outta him…the announcers said that was some great sign of respect…..Inoki is awesome.

Stop trying to capitalize on my sport. That was not a mixed martial arts fight. We don’t practice fake wrestling as a mixed martial art. That was a show, not a fight, dickhole. (Thanks for posting, angry MMA guy.)

I hardly remember much of Cole in SD these days. Was he into vintage back then? (Yes, more than he is now. Vintage Undertaker all the time.)

At least I knew who koko b ware was. (Thanks for posting, Frankie the bird.)

Worst day in Bret Hart’s life? FUCK YOU MICHAEL COLE!

IDK…I bet the night Goldberg ended his career…or the night he had a stroke would probably be worse than this….

Only raw recaps itself 10 times every show and then calls it a Raw Exclusive – – Is ABC news supposed to be covering them?

Cole says this is the worst night of bret hart’s life.. yeah cause I’m sure watching your younger brother fall to his death wears off a little while later.

Oh yeah, THIS is Bret’s worst night ever. Not the screwjob, not when Owen died and not when due to concussions and strokes he couldn’t wrestle anymore. No this night……a “broken” leg that we all know isn’t broken. God’s I wish they would stop acting like we’re all idiots.

Let’s see here, Bret Hart has had to deal with his father dying, his brother tragically dying, a divorce, being screwed by his boss in front of millions of people and made to be a fool, been in an almost paralyzing accident that confined him to a wheel chair and had to work for Vince Russo. Yeah I’m sure this is the worst night of his life, Cole.

The worst night in Bret’s life? Riiight. Car was put into reverse before Bret opened the door. WWE trying to say that women shouldn’t drive? (Whoa, that’s crazy talk. Vince McMahon insulting women? He would never! They’re smart, sexy and powerful like the WWE women…err divas.)

I am confused is the Elimination Chamber basically the end of the Royal Rumble match that takes place in a Hell in the Cell? You know where the only guys who actually have a chance of headlining Wrestlemania have a chance to do just that?

OMG TRIPLE H AND JOHN CENA IN THE ELIMINATION CHAMBER MATCH!!!! WHAT!!!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAY FINAL THOUGHT!!

Please don’t judge me. Haha.

I think I just ralphed in my mouth a little after seeing Jerry and Mae together. Especially since Jerry had lipstick on his cheek. Maybe Mae will give birth to a prosthetic foot this time. (Come on now, WWE is sophisticated now.)

“Don’t judge me.” That was actually kind of funny. Not funny enough to make up for that shit sandwich they just fed us, tho’…not by half.

Dear John Canton, consider this my suicide note. In my honor I ask that you add this to Commentfest. An hour and a half into Raw tonight I feel like a worse person. I will to you my tickets to next week’s RAW in Indianapolis. P.S. This message will self-destruct. (This message will self-destruct? Just like Inspector Gadget! Now I have the Inspector Gadget theme song in my head.)

Here’s that WWE exclusive footage for the 1,000,000th time.

YOU PROVOKED BATISTA BY WEARING THAT ORANGE SHIRT, JOHN! (What if it was from the Arnold Palmer collection like from what Batista wears?)

Who dresses Batista?!?! He was a golfer last week and I guess a polo player from Jersey Shore this week?!

Do Batista and Kanye shop together?!?

Man, sweet bracelet on Batista too. I think those were the rage with the girls when I was in 6th grade.

Now if Batista DOESN’T run in on the Cena/HHH match I’LL go play in traffic. (No word on if he played in traffic or if he lied to us like…SERIOUS VOICES~!…Vince lied to Bret.)

So, John Cena is real bold talking to a pre-taped segment… I mean, wouldn’t you be intimidated of a guy who raises his voice at a big screen tv? (It said live!)

Oh good, next week’s host are…Jewel…and who the fuck is that guy?

Bull Riders??? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Celebrity power couple? You’ve gotta be kidding me.

Jewel?! What the fuck?! Im only watching next week to see what happens with the whole Bret Hart Situation, then I’m watching porn for the rest of the night. (The fans are excited for Jewel and bullriding guy.)

Now I remeber why I stop watching Raw after Kelly Kelly, its sucks! (See, insight like that is what makes Crazy Crazy a star.)

The only thing I was looking forward to on this show was the furthering of the HBK storyline. He is not on the show and not even referenced at all. WTF thats the best thing Raw had going for it.

I should have took their advice at the start of the show and watched the Dog Show. (I don’t know who I should thank for posting that because we know Mike Vick was already watching.)

Predicton – – if Orton keeps getting posiitve fan reaction and HHH stays face – – Orton will tag with HHH and we are supposed to forget that he attacked Stephanie. (Or that HHH broke into his house, then fought with him in the house and threw Orton out the window where a camera guy was conveniently standing there to shoot it ninja style.)

VINTAGE CENA at 11:00PM

VINTAGE CENA 10:00 cst……Thanks, cole for the highlight of the evening…

I’d love to see someone counter the 5 knuckle shuffle. just once. speaking of which, how the hell would ou counter that anyways? roll slightly to the left? (Yep.)

ASK HIM!…Oh wait (Sigh, I miss Jericho on Raw.)

I know That King did not just say that….FUCK YOU!!! No I have never thought I would see these two guys main event Raw…AGAIN!!! Way to go, WWE Creative, you have completely neutered Jerry Lawler. Somewhere there is a 15 year old girl who is thankful for taht, but not me. You guys suck. (Fozzie Bear is angry!)

VINTAGE 11:03 EST

2 Vinatages in 1 match! We are lucky Commentfesters!

Well, i guess i should just be happy that i got to participate in commentfest this week – the past 5 weeks i’ve had basketaball on monday nights & i was more pissed about missing commentfest than missing RAW. (That’s touching.)

Man Sheamus looks whiter than usual…not even being funny but he really does look whiter than usual. (It’s because of HHH’s bronzeness. Is that a word? It is now!)

Uh oh.. he’s getting a talking to next time him and HHH are working out.

Triple H looks like a black dude compared to Sheamus.

John’s write up should just be a photocopied picture of a middle finger. (I was hoping to get Mark & Mae’s hand to pose for it, but it has plans. Always busy.)

This Raw is a worse clusterfuck than The Marine 2’s sales figures. It really could’ve used some Mickie James-Canton. She could’ve saved that Springer skit! (No, I’m proud that she was far away from that mess.)

I wasn’t even here for the entire show, and I can tell it was crappy… 1520 comments for this crappy show? That’s like having coupons for two for one sales… can’t use them both at the same time…

I was at Raw and they confiscated 3 signs for no real reason. One was a 8 or 9 year old kids! No explanation, the security guy just ran up and took it. He was sitting ringside, so the sign should be visible on Superstars, but not tonight’s Raw.

I have one comment and one comment only tonight. Is it Friday yet??? I miss Smackdown. (Amen to that!)

Commentfest was so much better than Raw tonight. (Thanks, Vince McMahon. I agree. Can I call you dad like Paul does? Please?)

But wait, there’s more!

These are from my followers on Twitter. Their comments will be in blue with mine in the brackets. Keep in mind that you’ve only got 140 characters or less on Twitter, so you have to be creative with your usage.

And with that singing of the national anthem, we now conclude the “classy” portion of Raw. (Oh how true this statement ended up being.)

Bret Hart shouldn’t thank John Cena, he’s ABOVE John Cena!

Serious voices ! I guess there won’t be a bret vince match maybe just be in cena batista respective corners.

So the world’s strongest man can’t lift big show who weighs the same as him?

Michael Cole “Bret has really touched all these young superstars”. I thought only Batista did that? (I love not even having to write the Batista jokes anymore.)

santino should get superstar of the night for calling jerry springer maury

Riiiiight… like there’s ANY amount of booze in the world to make Cole look baby-daddy worthy. I call SHENANIGANS!

What tha hell is this??? Michael Cole calling Kelly x2 a hussie & Mae Young shows up while I’m eating….Imma puke now.

If only Ravishing Rick Rude were still with us, he would be perfect for this segment!

Wow, wasting tons of time w/ this Jerry Crap. I knew #WWE RAW couldn’t keep up good ‘wrestling shows.

Just a hunch that getting your leg hit by a car isn’t worse then the night of Owen’s accident. Please shut up Cole.

“Springer Show” segment was the WORST raw ever had. I would rather watch Katie Vick, birth of a hand, and Jim Ross wrestle. (Jim Ross pinned HHH once!)

Wife never ever watches wrestling says Sheamus white skin is just not right. FUNNY. (Thanks for posting, Triple H. Nice tan, by the way.)

That’s it for this week. Felt extra long this week. That Springer segment carried it.

Back on Wednesday night with the Elimination Chamber preview.

Thanks for reading,
John Canton

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  1. Aaron
    February 16, 2010 at 5:28 PM

    “I wish Mark Henry’s moves were named after Kool-Aid flavors. “There’s Henry with a vintage Cool Berry Blue Slam””

    If Mizark names a move after Ecto-Cooler, I will mark out…

  2. Kyle
    February 16, 2010 at 5:30 PM

    woohoo I made Commentfest again!

  3. Dre
    February 16, 2010 at 5:39 PM

    Oh look.. four posts in a 45 minutes span… and curse that guy who stole my Coolio rap! I was doing that but I had a game. (copying robot chicken Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!)

  4. Tabitha
    February 16, 2010 at 5:50 PM

    “Oh great now we have to see 200 Replays of Bret’s “injury” all throughout RAW….That’s why they put on Bret so early!”

    THAT’S JUST FUNNY! I wasn’t home last night (after reading this, thank GAWD) but where I was, RAW was on. And every time I walked by…that’s what was on. Stupid limo.

    (And YAH for Team Women Fans!)

  5. RockLTSD
    February 16, 2010 at 6:38 PM

    I was there and probably have to say match of the night is Carlito and Chavo vs Primo and Bourne that was taped for Superstars and Promo of the night went to a Vince McMahon promo during the break after HHH entrance.

    It was my 1st WWE event so it seemed alot better live to me though, and the Jerry segment was very funny to me sitting there, but I guess Im guilty of watching his silly show from time to time.

    Kinda pised me off I tried to boo Cena and yelled WHAT? during his promo, but no one joined in. And the guy to the left of me asked aloud who Ted father was after someone yelled that Ted isnt as good as his dad. Wish I was surrounded by more real fans.

    By the way, those DX glowsticks glow for a long long time

  6. Randall
    February 16, 2010 at 9:36 PM

    I’m literally doubled over in laughter, it may have been a Raw for the shit-can but this is a legendary commentfest if you ask me.

  7. widowmaker
    February 16, 2010 at 9:41 PM

    @ rockltsd

    I would love William S. Sessions to be the next guest host. Reason being is that they could place a preempted video on the titantron saying ‘winners don’t say what!’ to the WWE Universe like the 90’s aracde games which soured the start of Golden Axe and Mercs.

    Incidentally, the original message was’ winners don’t use drugs’

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Winners_Don%27t_Use_Drugs

  8. countessplaten
    February 16, 2010 at 10:06 PM

    “And this is why I am bitter….I used to defend wrestling…saying that it wasn’t as bad as it seems…..Well, thank you WWe for killing that for me…I cannot defend this shit that we are witnessing…it is awful and juvenile….and God Dammit, did they just say the midget was the father of the sluts baby? Come on, guys…this is weak and pathetic, even by the extremely low bar that has been set by the previous RAWS……Fuck You Vince!! (I feel better now)”
    – Fave comment for the entire commentsfest! Hahahaha…This has been my sentiment exactly.

  9. countessplaten
    February 16, 2010 at 10:11 PM

    This has been one of the funniest commentsfest ever. I had tears on face from all the laughter. Good one commentsfesters! I actually enjoy the commentsfest way more than I enjoy RAw! :)

  10. robyn
    February 16, 2010 at 10:28 PM

    This week’s Commentfest had me laughing like Tony Atlas…and it was a crummy day, so I needed the belly laugh. Too bad the episode of Raw had to suffer for that to happen.

  11. Kev
    February 17, 2010 at 12:33 AM

    Hey, do I hld a record for most comments in commentfest?? That would be awesome! I bet Kelly Kelly would be proud.

  12. February 17, 2010 at 2:19 AM

    Nice Mitch Hedberg reference with the 222-2222!

  13. OmarTheRealPope
    February 17, 2010 at 4:28 AM

    Um ecto-cooler is Hi-C

    • Aaron
      February 17, 2010 at 8:40 AM

      I smell heel turn.

  14. CDL
    February 17, 2010 at 9:23 AM

    A heel turn for John Canton would be great. Imagine the jokes!!!

  15. Sam
    February 17, 2010 at 9:59 AM

    Man am I glad I missed Raw this week so I could watch the KU v Texas A&M game…Even though the way it went it was like trading suck for suck.

  16. y
    February 17, 2010 at 2:46 PM

    NM.sm

  1. February 16, 2010 at 5:20 PM

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