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The Raw Commentfest for 02/22/10

Welcome to Commentfest. I wrote the Raw Deal last night, posted it at 1am and you’ve hopefully read that. The link is RIGHT HERE on the blog. Commentfest, featuring Facebook and Twitter, is going to be a Tuesday evening posting now. I would say that anywhere between 5-8pm ET is when I’ll be posting Commentfest from this point forward. This week it’s getting posted at 8pmET

Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFest
Here are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) after I asked for some comments about the show. The comments in green are from the commentfesters while the comments in the brackets are from me. We got over 2000 comments this week, which is a new record for a two hour show. I think I’ve created a monster.

Welcome, one and all, to the festival of comments.
Allow me to introduce your host. He is:
The smack talking, raw dealing, WWE blogging, he finds MJC appealing.
With Creative stealing, he should trademark, but when it comes to Canadians, he’s a true mark.
A huge fan of Jericho, though he also loves Punk; knows 1 punch from Show leaves you KTFO~ punch drunk…
Ain’t a supporter of King, even less of Cole; to meet MJC is his number one goal
Ladies and Gentlemen….. John Canton!
(I enjoyed this.)

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages! WWE proudly brings to you: one half of the WWEs only two remaining shows! The water spitting, glowstick selling, now defunct, two members down to one, Trips sans HBK, is there still a mascot? Wait…nevermind, wrong intro… Live! From facebook.com, it’s Commentfest!

I’m a commentfest virgin, so I need to make my debut! Mickie James-Canton! (Cheap heat for the debut. Classy.)

Finally, The Bear has COME BACK to Commenfest!! For those wondering what I have been up to th s past week, The Bear says this: ‘Know our role, and shut your mouth!” Its time once again, for the brown derby wearing, polka dot ascot rockin, bad joke telling, orange furred for her pleasure, most electrifying muppet to ever appear on commentfest! If you smellllllllllllllllllow…..what The Bear…isss…cooking…… (Look out kids, it’s Fozzie Bear. Yes, the guy has a facebook photo of Fozzie Bear. I’m not even making it up.)

This is what I live for. The Commentfest!!!! The commentfest isn’t just a chat, its a way of life. (This is why I go to church. For people like this. I mean thanks for reading.)

It’s song parody time before we start the show…

(To the tune of ‘Eye of the Tiger’ by Survivor)

(Fozzy on music during intro- Chris Jericho encourages everybody to sing along!)

Verse 1… See More
Logging on,
To the computer
Got my pizza, and my Koolaid

Logged on Facebook just in the nick of time
For a chance to post on Commentfest…

So many things, that could happen on Raw
Except a decent wrestling match
At least we get to use our glowsticks
But not Mickie James-Canton’s underpantttts….

Chorus 1
It’s the Festive of Comments
It’s called Commentfest
Where we are at least guaranteed one VINTAGE
And if Kelly Kelly doesn’t make an appearance
Then Crazy Crazy will go on a ranttttttttttttttttttttt….
On Commentfest…..

Verse 2

Laughing at
Posts from the show
Making fun of Sheamus’ pale-ness

Getting pissed at the Game, Triple H
Cuz he refused to be pinned, that’s a mess

Chorus 2
It’s the Festive of Comments
It’s called Commentfest
Where we all want our K-T-F-O Moment
And by the time we get to the end of this song
We will still be waiting onnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Randy Orton…………………

Verse 3

Wrapping up
Sorting through comments
John Canton got some work to do…

So he slides on his bright orange T-shirt
And slaps on his baby oil too….

Chorus 3

It’s the festive of comments
It’s called Commentfest,
Where Fozzie Bear can say what’s on his mind,
And if there is one thing that we must all ask ourselves
Is how that damn, that damn leprechaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaunnnnn
Get that air time……

(Fozzy Guitar Rips)

The Festive of Comments
(Repeat to end of song)
(My man Andre is the master of the Commentfest song parodies. Haha, this is great.)

Commnetfest Disclaimer: Participation in commentfest may result in one or more of the following… heavy drinking, being set on fire, being jobbed to a midget, a thirst for kool-aid, a vintage psychotic episode, SERIOUS VOICES~! and having your ideas stolen by the WWE Creative Team.

Commentfest virgin, ready to make absolutely no contribution at all! (Optimism is great.)

You know i don’t really care about raw tonight. It’s 2am and I’m up for work in 3 hours but it’s commentfest that’s keeping me up! Damn you canton! (Sounds like an ex-girlfriend. What a bitch. Yeah, I said it.)

BAG-tista (Bad Ass Grandpa)

Jesus, look at mcmahon’s blazer from last night. I wonder where he left Curious George.

VINTAGE PYRO (Sorry Mr. Calloway).

Vintage cardboard vintage sign spotted 9:02pm est. (Yeah? I never saw it.)

Cena had plenty of energy to lock in the STF and beat HHH, and then got another 2 full minutes before Batista gets in the ring. Why is he then stumbling around like a drunk?

RAW starting with Chris Jericho? The world has returned to normal.

Already the greatest begining to a RAW in weeks. Y2J WORLD CHAMPION!! WOOOOOOOO

Y2J and Champion. Those phrases flow like rain.

Heh…too bad my hometown Pacers can’t fill an arena like that these days… (Bring back Rik Smits! Greatest blonde mustache in the history of sports. Sorry Larry Bird.)

Y2J must be here to confront Jerry Springer for stealing his JeriTron 5000!

“You Suck” “No I don’t cuz I’m going to Wrestlemania” lol. I fucking love Jericho.

Please of please never make Jericho a face. That would be miserable and fake.

Wow, that Chris Jericho guy is getting good on the mic. (Haha, yeah, he’s alright.)

Everytime Jericho wins a belt, an angel gets its wings.

EDGE! BEST ENTRANCE MUSIC EVER! (Somewhere the Repo Man is rolling over in the car he stole last night. REPO MAN!)

9:07 EST I VINTAGE piss my pants.

Cena and Elimination Chamber don’t mix well. That’s the second time he has won and then had to defend immediately after and lost. (Poor guy never getting title shots, huh?)

I love it how they say every year “I’m going to Wrestlemania!” Heck, even Primo is going to Wrestlemania! Evan Braun is going to Wrestlemania! Heck, the ninja cameraman is going to Wresle-freakin-mania!

Edge v Y2J at Mania? Who coulda predicted that… At least it’ll be a good match. (Predictable is fine in this instance.)

Wait I thought Edge was going to face Batista… My whole world has been thrown upside down!

Jericho must really love the Grey Goose. His eyes are ALWAYS bloodshot. (I do too! Go Grey Goose! They should sponsor me.)

Look at that Orange Crap John Cena’s Wearing! (thanks for posting gramps batista) (And Grandpa Vinny Mac. I don’t think any grandpas like orange.)

holy shit….he didint do that lame ass salute….amd it looks like he is selling last nights match…Okay…wht the fuck happened to John Cena?

Quick… name the only superstar with TWO title reigns shorter than Kane’s 1 title reign. JOHN CENA!

Firstly..i’m gonna talk to Batista and then get loudER AND START SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNG!!!!!! (The best part of this was capitalizing the ER in louder. Doing it in mid sentence = money.)

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Cena this upset” Really King? Isn’t that what you said a few weeks ago when he beat the shit out of DiBiase? Assclown.

VINCES POWER WALK!…I’m gonna walk that same way down the aisle at my wedding.

I for one am grateful Vince didn’t tear a quad running down to screw Cena, like the last time he got involved in a Cena/Batista dust-up.

Broken ankle, broken leg, broken back, tore tendons. Who is really keeping track vince?

Wow 12 Rounds didn’t work as a movie so Creative used the script?

John Cena : Who am I fighting tonight?
McMahon : Hornswoggle!
Announcers : SERIOUS VOICES~!

Well, I guess we don’t need to watch ‘Mania anymore. We’re getting the best match that will happen there tonight!… huh huh huh.

WOW! THEY ARE ACTUALLY GONNA DO THE FINALS FOR THE DIVASSS!!!??? WHAT KIND OF BOOKING IS THIS!!!??

I would love to be in Gail Kim’s position right now. I would also empty my bank account for one night (scratch that) two nights with Maryse. (All $37 of it?)

Melina could have returned by the time they finished this tourney…

Those divas are wearing the same things they were wearing last night. So disgusting! lol

Way to go WWE Diva title tournament final, naw have it on free TV, it’s the crappy tag match that people need to pay for.

Kelly Kelly? (Sorry Crazy Crazy, not yet.)

Botched move? Maryse didn’t even touch her and was looking her in the eye.

Lotta crotch-shots in this ladies’ match- not that I’m complaining, o’ course. (So observant.)

That dodge of the crossbody was terrible.

Maryse makes me want to eat crepes.

MAKE OUT.

Yep, 3 minutes. I called it. (That’s what she said.)

MARYSE WINS!!! WITH THE BEST PIN EVER!! (One of the Ready Guys has to get excited about something since DX is apparently dead.)

So when are they going to use Gail Kim properly? I mean I have no problem with Maryse as Champ, but I really think Gail should have won it. Oh, well, I guess they’ll have a feud for the rest of the year. (What heels with Gail feud with? The wedding planner and bad singer?)

So that’s the reason you went back to WWE? way to go Gail Kim. (Thanks for posting Dixie Carter)

Dear Michael Cole:
It has come to my attention that you did not recieve my last letter, so I will sum it up in a nutshell: Please slam your head into a brick wall repeatedly until you suffer extreme brain damage. That way you will know what us fans, yes, I said fans, have to experience everytime we have to hear your god-awful commentary. You have completely ruined The King, as he is now forced to be your babysitter. I hope you’re happy with yourself, you dirty little scrotum.

Sincerely, Fozzie Bear
P.S. Wokka Wokka, Bitch!

So now WWE almost has as many Canadians with Gold as Canada has gold medals in the Olympics. (Hey, we won Ice Dancing gold last night. The toughest sport in the world!)

Bella Whores @ 928!

Cue Crazy Crazy…

Kelly Kelly!!!!!!! (There he is.)

Vintage Divas dressing like they are cuntry bumpkins. And yes. I did leave out the “O” on purpose.

Bull riding divas, I can hardly contain my excitement. Beth and Mickie Canton have had a VERY lucky escape by going to Smackdown.

“Why does everyone slap me?” Hot new catchphrase! (I like it.)

Orton’s looking at the Diva segment with interest…either that, or he’s trying to keep reminding himself in his head that he needs to pick up baby oil later….

Tell Ted that I’m sorry…but I will not be over tonight. Have to get some baby oil, and then might just hang out by myself and think about some things.

Ted channeled Shatner and teleported into the shot the instant Orton left camera.

I saw Kelly Kelly and dont wanna watch the rest of Raw, but a divas bull riding with Kelly Kelly? Count me in! (Oh CC, you so crazy.)

I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOSHI ON RAW (Apparently.)

The new Job Squad!

If Jobber-team, aka Kobe, Braun, and Yoshi, somehow win, I will be speechless. Then again they are going up against volatile oil team.

LMAO, why is legacy vsing jobbers, seriously? What is this suppose to prove, that Legacy is still at the same level after a year and a half?

Popping my commentfest cherry tonight. Ah, Kobe Johnson, Yoshi Tatsu, and Evan Braun. Looks like I joined the commentfest just in time to see the new J.O.B. squad

Looking at Yoshi Tatsu, I still cannot believe he kicked Sheamus’ ass. All because Sheamus did not clean Tatsu’s protein container. (This is a TRUE story, people. I’m serious.)

What?!?! Nobody is outside the ring!

I feel deprived of my ‘spot to the floor’ commercial moment…

No “To-The-Outside-Commercial” spot? DAMN YOU VINCE!!!

Can we drop a few more crossroads references? Britney for host next week. (Oscar winner. Not that I watched it. Really. I swear.)

Viper! 11:15 Newfoundland Standard! (Crazy Newfies with their odd 30 minute time zone thing to make them different from the rest of the world.)

love the VINTAGE BACKBREAKER! (vintage 847 CST)

9:47 PM EST, VINTAGE~

Controlled Frenzy @ 9:43ET! Vintage @ 9:46ET!

Why are the black wrestlers really modeled after cartoon characters?? We got Mr. Kool Aid & Spongebob…

Orton’s gonna open a can of whoop ass.

RKO…no out of nowhere? FUCK YOU MICHAEL COLE, FUCK YOU!!!

Randy Orton = Steve Austin 2.0? (I don’t know if the whole voices in the head thing is going to get over as well as Austin-isms, ya know?)

OH MY GOD! EVAN BOURNE WON A MATCH!

BOURNE WINS! FTW!!!!!!!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?????????????? YES!!!!!!!!!!!

omg bourne wins a match?! *mark out*

HOLY CRAP!! Evan Bourne got a win!! I’m playing the Lottery tomorrow!!

i think i am fully drunk now. team jobber won?? is it friday? i did see jericho earlier.

RANDY ORTON FOR THE FUCKING WIN! GOD DAMN THAT MAN’S HOT! DOWN WITH TED AND DOWN WITH CODY! RKO BWAHAHAHAHA (Hmmm, I need a name for this woman…hmmm….)

Crazy Orton Lady……..OUTTA NOWHERE!!!!!! (That’ll work.)

WOW thats some continuity in the WWE! The HBK/Taker storyline started all the way at the Slammys!

This is quite possibly one of the best, if not the best video package I’ve seen from WWE, and that’s saying A LOT.

I see they cut the superkick to Teddy Long from that flashback – for Black History Month, perhaps? (Yeah but they let the white guy get the pin in the previous match, so that’s a step back.)

I’m gonna be royally sick of it within five weeks…but that was one of the greatest video packages they’ve EVER produced.

JR Ewing is in the arena!

8:59 Hey look it’s Bob Orton, glad to see his arm healed up. (Two 80s references back to back!)

Nice outfit “Michaels, Texas Ranger” (And a 90s one.)

(As told by a high school girl) So, like, Shawn was all like “I want to fight you” and stuff, and Taker’s like “No I already beat you, back off bitch” and then Shawn was like, “Well, im going to win the RR and face you there” But during the match, Batista was like, “Not today, bitch” and eliminated him. Micheals went all crazy old man afterwards and was like,”Well, i’m going to hide under the ring all night” then he superkicked Taker at the Elimination Chamber, and I was all like, OMG WTF!

My gf just asked if Undertaker is gonna get lit on fire again. Vintage burn. (Guess who that was? Whipped Guy. See, he’s so whipped he has to mention her.)

Taker working on a Monday after his little fire incident…not gonna be a happy man… (His vacation is coming up soon. One more month.)

Undertaker should be the new spokesperson for Maybelline New York. (“Do you have problems when your mascara runs down your cheek? I do too. But not anymore! Maybe it’s Mabelline!” I should work in ads.)

Taker lookin like John Travolta circa Battlefield Earth….. (So you’re the one guy that saw that shitty movie.)

Why is Taker’s face yellow? (I thought it was more of an orange-ish hue. Hue’s a fun word to say. Hue. Say it loud.)

Was Undertaker eating Mac and Cheese before this segment? WTF is on his face?

How nice of Michelle McCool to take the time out of her schedule to brush Taker’s hair. (Ha! Even better because a woman posted this!)

This crowd is ignorant w/ the ‘what’ chants. you don’t do that to hbk/taker. (Save it for HHH.)

I love Steve Austin, but God damn him for making these yahoo’s chant WHAT at every break in a sentence.

What is on his face?

Is that a John Canton sign way off in the background? (Over Taker’s right shoulder. His right shoulder it would be for him, not from the camera) (It might have been. I never saw it, though.)

WOW. This match just got my attention big time.

Wrestlemania just got 200K more buy rate from 1 statement!! Its on suckaz!!!!!!!!

I JUST MTFO- MARKED THE FUCK OUT!

Career over…great, so a 2 week break, and poof, back on tv like that jericho guy. (Don’t be ridiculous. It’ll be a four month break like last year. The Heartbreak Chef.)

See that everybody, that is what you call intrigue. Making a repeated match even more interesting by adding interesting things to it. (I guess wrestling fans belive in the whole retirement thing. Just like Ric Flair’s two years ago. How’d that work out?)

Holy Crap, HBK’s career vs. Taker’s streak!!! Thank you WWE for the greatest Wrestlemania match EVER!!! (Santina’s coming back?)

Can HBK put up another bag of Cheeto’s, like the bag Taker went through before hand and forgot to clean off his mouth?

christians on raw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOO, I WANTED CHRISTIAN ON SMACKDOWN!!!! FUCK!

I get that they are trying to build the match up as something special, but cmon, Shawn if you don’t beat Taker, then you have no career?? are you fucking kidding me? (Hey Fozzie Bear, it’s wrestling. Nobody retires unless they die.)

Hope you’re happy, John boy. Here’s a hanky to wipe your canadagasm off the monitor. (That is so classy.)

Christian christian at last ur on ur own. Oops wrong theme song.

Please Vince, I know you have a hard on for the big guys but no Mark Henry in the MITB match ok?

Heath Slater looks like a douche. Is that what he’s going for? (The name Heath helps the look. Anybody that’s named Heath that wants to send me a hate email send it to douche@michaelcole.com because michaelcole.com is the home of the douche.)

Hmmmmm I wonder if christian can beat the always tough carlito.

They shoulda got AC Slater instead of Heath Slater…that’s a real wrestler, kicked the shit out of ppl at Bayside High including Zack! (Yeah, but Zack got Kelly and Slater had to settle for Jessie. Zack wins.)

Im not having a stroke, so this really is Christian on RAW! Two of my favorite Canadians on the same show! (John, I’m sorry. You are my third favorite Canadian.) (Saying sorry is so Canadian of you.)

That guy gets to learn the business from Carlito. He will teach the rookie how to: squander mega pushes, not give a shit, and piss away your career due to laziness. That guy is title bound for sure.

So Tarver has Carlito as his WWE trainer- that’s like getting Lindsay Lohan as your AA sponsor. (Or me. Oh wait.)

Why would they make Carlito a NXT Mentor? He has a terrible attitude and doesn’t care about this business.
STUPID! STUPID!
(Primo was busy.)

How can he be the odds on favorite when he’s the first entrant? (100% chance of winning right now.)

Bull riding’s up next. Time for another Molson XXX…

Gf fell asleep early tonight so Im sneaking in some diva bull riding tonight. WOOOOO HOOOOO!! (Man, Whipped Guy living on the edge.)

Taker & fire & commentfest: theyre synonymous this week right? (Come on John C, being able to spell synonymous should get me in right?) (You probably googled it, but I’ll be nice.)

No Lawler, Jewel didn’t break her leg because of a bullride. She was in the same limo as Bret Hart and the same situation as him.

I hope boobs fall out.

Eve has some bull riding skills…and her legs are covered with baby oil.

Who likes Short Shorts? I like Short Shorts!

Crazy Crazy is going to need a cigarette after this.

So this Raw had:
1.An awesome Jericho promo
2.Edge spearing Jericho
3.Cena selling an injury
4. Michaels/Taker promo
5. Eve Torres-Bear on a Mecanical bull

Best RAW EVER!!! (Ha, Fozzie Bear claiming Eve!)

Kelly Kelly has experience riding things… no surprise she lasted 8 seconds. She could’ve made 20 minutes easy. (Hey Jeremy Piven, see you at Summerfest.)

What does the mechanical bull and most of the WWE locker room have in common? Kelly Kelly has taken a ride on them.

Why can’t I forget how ashamed I am to watch RAW for just one episode? (I don’t know how to answer that, Vince McMahon.)

Wow… they found something that’s useful for the Bellas….

I really hope ShowMiz dont ride the bull together!

This crap would have been so much better circa the late nineties, with the Kat and Terri Runnels…they dripped sex and sluttiness.

“Go for it” >”My yodeling would crush you” > “Let’s hear it for friendship”

LOL “You’re just rude!” (Big Show is great.)

“Nothing to fear but air and atmosphere.” Newest pickup line to all the ladies.

Big Show is fucking hilarious. He is the Shawn Michaels of ShowMiz.

I miss funny Big Show. I nearly peed myself watching that segment. (Thanks for posting, Flomax.)

Jewel’s bitch husband: “I reckon you kint dew sum dum shit, yeh big dummeh…a doop doop doop, dey took are jjjjjoorrbha” (Somebody just got heel heat from the southern readers. I didn’t type it!)

Show KTFO the bull!

That bull just got KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT~!

The Great Khali thinks…..this is a WASTE…..OF…….TIME. (Man, imagine how good this would have been if Khali came out to do that? Epic.)

Christ, I tried not to laugh, but Big Show being psyched out by a mechanical bull is just great.

OH SNAP~! But the Miz is a Browns fan….He can’t talk.

ShowMiz=Inferior, JeriShow = Superior (credit to anyone who gets the Transformers reference)

For those wondering, the point of that segment was to get the various Divas out in short shorts and have them gyrating wildly. And it was fantastic. (Thanks for posting Vince McMahon, Batista, Tiger Woods, Crazy Crazy, John Edwards, David Letterman, Elliott Spitzer and John Canton although don’t tell the wife that I enjoyed it, okay? I’m almost as whipped as Whipped Guy, huh?)

Bryan on RAW!!!

DANIEL BRYAN @ 1037!

Who’s the accountant?

Danielson on Raw. Cue Indygasm.

Daniel Bryan = 10/10

Somebody Gonna Get Their Wall Smashed….Somebody Gonna Get Their Thirst Quenched…. (Catchy beat.)

I think they just called him Daniel Bryan for ease of chant: “DAN-IEL BRY-AN! *clap* *clap* *clapclapclap*” (Only if every show is in Toronto, Philly or NYC. Maybe Chicago. Not every city, though.)

Can I be the Daniel Bryan guy!?!? Wait what? Thats only for Divas? Awkward…

KOOL AID GOT KTFO!!!!

KTFO~! AGAIN! (We’re getting a KTFO overload.)

KTFO~ 3.42GMT

Mark Henry is giving a dramatization on how to actually sell an injury…and he wasn’t involved in a match last night. However, John Cena wrestled in 2 matches last night and shows no ill effects or any fatigue whatsoever…that damn Cena. (Thanks for posting, KOOL-AID~!)

You know what, I was a HUGE Bret Hart fan when I was a kid (before he won the World Title)..but this is not the same Bret Hart w/ the same swagger, I’m sorry folks. He is a broken down shell of that guy. With all respect to him for what he has accomplished and probably being top 5 ever..I am done w/ this angle. It bores me, oh yes, its true. (Did you write that in a regular tone or in a SERIOUS~! one?)

“How much fun were Jewel and Ty Murray”? Why hasn’t anyone killed cole yet?

Michael cole loves jewels music wow, what a tool.

Ughh i like Jewel’s music. Cole likes Jewel’s music. We have something in common. I just died a little inside.

What if women’s wrestling still mattered? That would be great. Too bad. (It matters on Smackdown. To me.)

We get another drunken, incoherent monologue from the Rowdy one. Awesome.

Seriously, tragic accident? Tragic accident is what happened to Owen Hart. Minor inconvenience is what happened to Bret.

Vince sounds like Bill Clinton! “I never had anything to do with this!” (Or any politician.)

Even the hallways Cena walks down turn into STUPID ORANGE CRAP.

Some of Cena’s shirt rubbed off onto Taker’s mouth!! (I realise that joke may be as tasteless as the shirt, but its 4am!!!)

Wow Bret accepted pretty fast huh? (Us Canadians are quick. Like Ben Johnson. I wonder how many of my readers even get that reference? Hopefully the ones over 25 do.)

Cheech and Chong? I love them! Now all we need is RVD there and we have a show! (Thanks for posting, CM Punk.)

Cheech and Chong next week… I bet RVD and Brian Kendrick are kicking themselves for not being in WWE anymore. (From what I’m told, there are plenty of people on the Raw brand that are big fans. I’m not naming names. Let’s just say there are more on Raw than Smackdown, though.)

Cheech and Chong? The target audience has no fucking clue who these guys are. Seriously, I just don’t get WWE sometime. On the other hand, WOO HOO, Cheech and Chong!

Cheech & Chong? Cheech & Chong? Reeeeaaaaally? Reeeaaally? I hope Hurley’s dad doesn’t get Lost. (In for the Lost reference.)

Shit, I checked into commentfest late tonight. Gotta try and get in, I suppose.

~KOOL-AID! Mickie James-Canton! I wish Maryse would pin me like that. I love Bryan Danielson. Chris Jericho is the best in the world. I just marked for Bret Hart. Fuck Cena, no selling bitch. These guest hosts are idiots. OUTTA NOWHERE! Vintage!!! KNOCKED … See MoreTHE FUCK OUT! SERIOUS VOICES If something we disagree with happens, we RIOT! Old man Vince was sleeping. I hate you, Cole. Lawler is a moron. Crazy crazy. What’s the longest running episodic television show? Guy out to the floor commercial spot. AWESSSSSOMEEEE. Hide the Divas, Batista and his wardrobe are here. Sheamus is really extremely pale. Undertaker being burned joke.~ (This is like the Commentfest version of cheap heat.

Ok, so even if..let me rephrase…Ok so when Cena wins this match, does that mean Sheamus doesn’t get a rematch he was due for anyway?? He was the champ over a month and Cena was the champ for a day and he gets first crack?? I don’t get it..oh wait, I’m trying to make sense of the WWE..nevermind me guys. (Yeah, he’s pretty much fucked. Sucks to be pale.)

“I think that was a blatant kick to the groin!” Cole needs to be shot in the face.

Batista claps after Cena wins via DQ hahaha heel Batista is great.

Look at how Cena sells this beating!!!! This is why he is the best wrestler in the WWE today. Jericho can learn something from him.

GOOOOOO GRANDPA!!!

Please hurt him more…This is so therapeutic.

BEAT HIM BATISTA! FUCK HIM UP! DESTROY CENA, DAMN IT! HIT HIM WITH THE CHAIR! C’MON ON! YEAH! KICK CENA’S ASS!

What?!? No SuperCena tonight? What a rip off… At least Cena has a cool twitch.

SERIOUS VOICES!

Gotta say, a pretty well-done end segment. Grandpa’s a very good heel. (Other than Abe Simpson, he’s my favorite TV grandpa.)

Batista got some major heat there at the end. Well done. Successful segment. (Yes it was, Therapeutic Guy. No, I don’t expect that nickname to stick.)

Great Booking for Cena/Batista storyline….STOP COMPLAINING DOUCHES.

Definitely one of the better Raws lately. I predict John will give it a 7/10 (I did. Eerie.)

So Sheamus, the former WWE champ only one wrestler away, has absolutely no say in the outcome of this match, and loses his rematch opportunity….where’s the logic..oh, I’m sorry- feel free to slap me, anyone. (To be fair, he had a legit concussion and wasn’t cleared to compete during the show. We didn’t know.)

However though- that must be the first time in years that Trips hasn’t appeared on Raw when he hasn’t been injured. (Last year when he was selling a punt he was off for about a month, only for Batista to come back against Orton and get injured.)

Triple N is catching on. I went from No Nickname Needed to TRIPLE N faster than Hunter Hearst Helmsley went to Triple H. (And your other nickname can be The Name. Consider the name approved although I strongly discourage future people from giving their own nicknames. They are earned, not given. Triple N is yours now, but I fully admit to forgetting half the nicknames. I drink, people. Quite a bit.)

You are all ill-mannered and coarse and contemptible people. Good night brothers. (Thanks for posting, Commentfest Heel. You’re too nice, though. You need to be more heelish.)

Oh dear God, over 2000 comments. I’m pretty sure the two hour record was like 1600. Sweet merciful crap! (Thanks for posting, me. We’ve never hit 2000 for a two hour show before.)

But wait, there’s more!

These are from my followers on Twitter. Their comments will be in blue with mine in the brackets. Keep in mind that you’ve only got 140 characters or less on Twitter, so you have to be creative with your usage.

RAW just started & I already don’t care about the guest hosts. (A roaring start!)

Less than 5 minutes in, and a mechanical bull? There’s nothing that can save this sho… hey, it’s Jericho!

Can John Cena reach down and find the testicular fortitude to beat Batista? Does a circus bear shit in a cage?!

Do you think Steamboat knows that Yoshi Tatsu stole his old ring gear?

Kofi deserves better than this…Tatsu looks lost and like he wandered into the arena with Johnson and Braun…

Shoulda been Primo, Bourne and Tatsu. Then it could be Legacy Vs. The J.O.B. Squad. (Poor Primo.)

Good to see Taker came out and w/ no repeat. Let’s see what wup ass he’s gonna give old HBK. (He tried to sunburn him to death.)

Why HBK always got mom jeans on???

Career vs. Streak? Not a terrible surprise, but well worth it, much like Jericho vs. Edge.

Christian signed with RAW? Who booked this crap?! (Thanks for posting, well, basically everybody.)

Yeah, ok. My money is on Carlito!!! LOL!!!! They don’t even make it believable w/ qualifing matches. (Thanks for posting Mark Henry, loser in a qualifying match for the Elimination Chamber.)

Christisan…. noooooooooooooooooooo! Where’s Ron Simmons? Because I need a “DAMN!”

Lol at Taker wearing his back-up coat after the main one got burned. Fuckin’ Kane is to blame for the pyro mishap. I Know it!

It looked like Taker ate a bag of Cheetos backstage. Fire the make-up artist!.. wait bad choice of words with fire. Sorry Taker.

Just saw a John Canton sign behind Taker. (I still haven’t seen it!)

Crazy crazy!! i mean… KELLY KELLY!! (tell crazy crazy on facebook i said hi!) (Done.)

Big Show vs Mechanical Bull? I smell a WrestleMania undercard match…

miz comment on colts has to be one of your stars tonight so far jericho promo taker hbk convo orton attack n colt comment stars (Thanks for posting, no grammar needed.)

Bryan Daniel sighting on RAW at 10:37pm EST! Awesome!!!!!

The NXT graphic at the top of the program had MVP still. The one at the end had William Regal in his place. I am amused.

Bet Cheech & Chong will ask Kofi for ganja…because hes a jafaican

i kept screaming “hit him in the face” until i realized that there’s no more bleeding in the wwe….

is it just me or did Undertaker look really old today… I mean he is like what 46 or something… But still he didn’t look good.

Hey John….watching Raw right now….let’s ditch the divas titles and just have the bull riding one. (I agree. Absolutely.)

Back on the weekend for Talking Smack. I might have something else posted during the week too. We’ll see.

Thanks for reading,
John Canton

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  1. Dave
    February 23, 2010 at 8:35 PM

    What the hell was that?

  2. Dre
    February 23, 2010 at 8:41 PM

    Five comments? Just five? And four of them came ini the first hour… Just five? Tomfooleray I tell you!

  3. jomar132
    February 23, 2010 at 8:52 PM

    OK, I got 5 in…. synonymous…… I can neither confirm nor deny my google usage JC.

  4. Jericho
    February 23, 2010 at 8:56 PM

    Hahahahhaha! Yo John, Sheamus really got his ass kicked by Yoshi, and over a protien container nonetheless?!

    Where is the evidence? Gotta see this!

    And the sad thing is Yoshi will be a jobber.

  5. Kev
    February 23, 2010 at 9:25 PM

    OMG!!! People on Twitter know me?! YESS!!!

  6. Kev
    February 23, 2010 at 9:28 PM

    Thats so cool!! I have fans!! Kelly Kelly!!!

    • JCITY617
      February 23, 2010 at 9:33 PM

      IS DAT U CRAZYCRAZY????(KEVIN KELLY…….HMMMMM)

      • Kev
        February 23, 2010 at 9:35 PM

        Yeah!

        • roler42
          February 23, 2010 at 11:04 PM

          OMG CRAZY CRAZY!!!! NOW I’LL TELL YOU HI RIGHT HERE ON JOHN’S BLOG!!(yep i’m the twitter guy who sent you a greeting =B)

    • Jon
      February 24, 2010 at 12:01 AM

      You are the Hornswaggle of Commentfest… What started as a joke originally has elevated you to the main event of Commentfest.

  7. JCITY617
    February 23, 2010 at 9:31 PM

    I DEFITNATLY SEEN A JOHN REPORT SIGN DURING THE HBK UNDERTAKER SEGMENT I THOUGHT I WAS TWEEKIN AT 1ST GLAD OTHER PPL SAW IT 2…………..RAW WAS BETTER THIS WEEK CANT WAIT 2 WATCH THE NEW SHOW NXT………………CHEECH AND CHONG HOSTING NEXT WEEKS RAW IMA BLAZE THE WHOLE 2HOURZ YEZZZIRRRR!!!!!!!………………………..BATISTA IS AWESOME FOR DESTROYING CENA…………….EDGE WILL B CHAMP @ WM26…………HBK VS UNDERTAKER SHOULD B AN INFERNO MATCH WITH KANE AS SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE……..#COMMENTFEST SHOULD B A TRENDING TOPIC WITH A LIVEFEED ON THIS BLOG…….

  8. Brian W.
    February 23, 2010 at 9:51 PM

    Monday Night Raw- where hot ECW up and comers go to die…

  9. countessplaten
    February 23, 2010 at 10:00 PM

    “I think that was a blatant kick to the groin!” Cole needs to be shot in the face.
    – i totally agree… BTW, where is HHH?

  10. OmarTheRealPope
    February 23, 2010 at 10:05 PM

    NXT already failed Michael Cole as a host

  11. Dave
    February 23, 2010 at 10:26 PM

    Well, NXT held my attention for a good 20 minutes. Adios.

    • Tyson
      February 23, 2010 at 11:09 PM

      Well, you missed a quality Jericho/Bryan bout then. It was really refreshing seeing Jericho being allowed to work extra stiff with someone on the roster for the first time since ’99 (back before he potatoed Chyna, Hunter cried, and Jericho spent the next six months jobbing on every PPV). Bryan gave a memorable first in-ring performance as well, which will hopefully leave an impression with the casual fans.

      • Dave
        February 23, 2010 at 11:25 PM

        Well, I regret missing that then. I’m alot more than a casual fan. But truth be told, Vince & Co. have ruined so much with this business that I’m more inclined to think he will find a way to screw anything up.

  12. Matt Schaum
    February 23, 2010 at 10:50 PM

    never made commentfest before, and I get 4 entries. I think I did ok, including picking the rating.

  13. JFS
    February 23, 2010 at 11:53 PM

    Yeah whenever it zoomed in on Undertaker talking, you could see a John Canton sign in the background far away.

  14. Edswoggle
    February 24, 2010 at 12:45 AM

    I got 5….and it’s a proud 5…but I wish I would gotten my cheap one in- I had fun imagining Mickie & Velvet doing lesbo shit….

  15. CM
    February 24, 2010 at 1:31 AM

    Poor Gail.. she needs to get her ass back to TNA!

  16. Brian/thefifthdoctor
    February 24, 2010 at 3:09 AM

    One day I shall stay up late in the UK and I WILL make commentfest.
    Last night I settled for the Mrs letting me watch it while she called 90% of it very homoerotic! (she thought HBK & Taker were gonna snog haha!)

  17. Kyle
    February 24, 2010 at 9:31 AM

    woohoo I’m 3-3 on commentfest!

  18. John
    February 24, 2010 at 11:55 AM

    Ben Johnson can’t hold Usain Bolt’s jockstrap. And Usain did it without any help, if you know what I’m saying.

    • Sean
      February 26, 2010 at 2:09 AM

      Carl Lewis would smoke both of them…and then beat Jillian in a singing contest with the National Anthem (let’s see who remembers that).

  19. Sam
    February 24, 2010 at 1:30 PM

    You know here is a question…Does anyone think that when TNA moves to monday nights Raw will be Re-re-named Raw is War?

  20. Tabitha
    February 25, 2010 at 2:14 PM

    I’m not even done reading…I just had to say Andre is my new hero. Seriously LOLing at my desk.

  21. Tabitha
    February 25, 2010 at 2:40 PM

    Finished.

    1) SUUUUUUUUP CRAZY CRAZY!!!!

    2) I too missed the JC sign. I was trying to:
    a) wipe the Cheeto dust from my TV, only to find it was actually Taker’s Cheeto dust and
    b) find Taker’s eyelashes. I study Taker. They were totally gone.

    Check out the OUTLINE.

  22. Kev
    March 1, 2010 at 1:36 PM

    Yeah!! My fans rule!!

  1. February 23, 2010 at 8:13 PM
  2. February 23, 2010 at 11:33 PM

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