Home > Columns, General Wrestling > GC: Sports Entertainment Weekly by Andrew Johnson

GC: Sports Entertainment Weekly by Andrew Johnson

Note from John: If you can’t laugh at yourself who can you laugh at? Thanks for writing this, Andrew.

So, About this Morning…

I scratched the surface of the hard wood desk in front of me with a fingernail that had been chewed to the nub. I always bite my nails when I’m nervous. I look across the giant desk at a man stirring kool-aide with an old Ultimate Warrior spoon he found at a flea market.

The irony was not lost on me.

He took a sip of his red elixir, before he spoke. He looked fiercely intimidating, and a tad sleepy.

“So.”

“Yeah…” I said with a crackling voice. I was scared. I hadn’t been in this much hot water since I was caught urinating in the hot tub in the girl’s basketball locker room when I was in high school. And, that was some really hot water, figuratively and literally.

“You understand why I had to pull the blog don’t you?” he said as he cracked his middle knuckle with his thumb. “I can’t have this kind of negativity on my blog. There are too many people that read it, I can’t risk losing readers.”

“Yes sir,” I responded.

“I knew I was taking a risk with you Johnson,” he said after he adjusted his Million Dollar Belt cummerbund. “You’re a loose cannon. You throw around slander like…”

“Like Chris Jericho throws punches at women’s jaws?”

“Right there,” he said. “That’s the crap I’m talking about. You can’t just say whatever you want and not expect repercussions. This isn’t the wild west.”

“Listen boss, I understand your concern,” I said as I rose to pour my own glass of company kool-aide in my John Report issued Gangrel goblet. “But, it’s really not that bad. There has been a lot of traffic on the blog…”

“Johnson…”

“And, while I admit the backlash has been quite severe, it’s not the end of the world.”

He slapped my goblet out of my hand, spilling the colorful concoction all over his shag carpet.

“No! You do not get off that easy!” he said as he whipped out evidence of my transgressions. “Someone sent a bomb to the office! A BOMB!”

“Yeah, that’s pretty weird. Got here rather quickly…” I said as I inspected the smoldering package. Return address was from a T. Warrior. I wonder, is there a connection?

“We have to issue an apology,” he said.

“That’s not a big deal,” I said as I tossed the bomb in the trash. It was a dead end as far as evidence goes.

“Not a big deal?” he said. “I hate apologizing! You know apologizing is my third least favorite thing to do!” It’s true. Right behind helping the elderly and speaking to servants, he hated nothing more. I didn’t realize how upset he was until I noticed was wearing his Mick Foley autographed sweat pants. He only wears those when he anticipates blood spatter.

Needless to say I’ve only seen him in the autographed sweat pants.

“This article has to disappear Johnson,” he said as I inched toward the kool-aide container. “We don’t want people thinking the John Report encourages small mindedness.” He then hit me in the head with the scepter he stole from Randy Savage, stopping me just before I reached the kool-aide. The cruel bastard, will I ever receive my refreshing prize?

“How can I make this right,” I asked as I cleaned the blood from my head with a picture of Michael Cole.

“Get to work on something that won’t be so controversial. Just be more sensitive with your words. For the love of God, just have fun without hurting other people’s feelings!”

“But…”I muttered with tears in my eyes, “I don’t know any other way…”

“And, we’ll have to repackage you,” he continued. “The name Andrew Johnson is now synonymous with ‘handicapped basher.’ Have any ideas?”

I did have an idea….an idea so good it will make all of our problems go away, and bring in more readers than we had ever seen. It was an idea so great it will make all other columnists seem like they write in crayon…

Andrew Johnson is dead. All hail…

Bow down to your new columnist, feeble readers. Don’t worry ladies, Dr. Flex Rocket-Thrower will take time off from writing wrestling articles and blowing up alien terrorists to impregnate you with his eyes.

Andrew is a freelance writer and comedy blogger who stole your TV while you were reading his article. When not contributing to the John Report he writes a variety of other articles at his blog, http://thejohnsonation.blogspot.com/. To buy back your TV at a reasonable price, contact Andrew at johnsonator62@yahoo.com or follow the shit out of him on Facebook.

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  1. Zee
    February 25, 2010 at 2:09 PM

    LOL. Great job Andrew, just to let you know. Fuck all the haters giving you and John a hard time. They can go fuck themselves as far as I’m concerned. I understand sometimes there are rules and regulations that need to be put forward. Great job on all your articles, they’re a great read.

  2. Aaron
    February 25, 2010 at 2:09 PM

    I’ll miss Andrew Johnson.

  3. Venis Envy
    February 25, 2010 at 2:13 PM

    Way to go guys. Way to make the best of a bad situation. And kudos to Andre…I mean Dr. Flex Rocket-Thrower for writing this up so quickly. Quite a display of talent.

  4. Darth Randall
    February 25, 2010 at 2:18 PM

    I loved this. Way to rebound and make something nice out of something bad. I can actually picture the office and conversation. The best part ” This isn’t the wild west”. I died laughing. The whole thing was great. Thanks to both John and Andrew for making the best of everything and for the wrestling comedy only Dr.Flex rocket-thrower can provide. Gangrel goblet and kool aid, superb.

  5. Andre
    February 25, 2010 at 2:45 PM

    Nice Read….Wait a second…Where did my TV go?

  6. JCITY617
    February 25, 2010 at 2:51 PM

    NICE COMEBACK EVEN THOUGH IT WASNT DAT SERIOUS 2BEGIN WITH

    • Michael Ryne
      February 25, 2010 at 8:53 PM

      JCITY, get working on a column you can submit to John. I want to read what you have to say.

      • Anonymous
        February 26, 2010 at 5:32 AM

        I second that. Sounds like you got some good words to say- and you know how to say them.

  7. BabyGoose
    February 25, 2010 at 2:52 PM

    Good read. Very funny. Lookin forward to more. Ha

  8. Rance
    February 25, 2010 at 2:57 PM

    Bravo sir. Bravo.

  9. The Omar Miller
    February 25, 2010 at 3:01 PM

    Nice read. Some how I think these two actually got together and had this meeting. Classic stuff right there.

  10. Adam
    February 25, 2010 at 3:07 PM

    Nice job. I didn’t even read the pulled article, but MAN, this was awesome!

  11. Anonymous
    February 25, 2010 at 3:15 PM

    I read the pulled article and it didn’t offend me.

    It wasn’t very funny though.

    • Rated RKO
      February 25, 2010 at 3:19 PM

      You’re right, it wasn’t funny…it was HILARIOUS. Get a sense of humor.

      This was alright. Good writing and it made me laugh. I just wish we didn’t have to lose the other article.

  12. Devon
    February 25, 2010 at 3:30 PM

    “I noticed was wearing his Mick Foley autographed sweat pants. He only wears those when he anticipates blood spatter.

    Needless to say I’ve only seen him in the autographed sweat pants.”

    Fucking hilarious.

  13. Jim Brunzel
    February 25, 2010 at 3:55 PM

    Well, I missed the first 1/2 of this monkey show (but I did kill a few brain cells reading the comments…sigh…waste of time except for the ‘future endeavours’ line). Anywho, loved the follow up, flex.
    And, uh yea, NICE COMBACK. (that felt good…)
    Killer Bee!

  14. John
    February 25, 2010 at 4:09 PM

    That sorry excuse for a storyline is going to force me to fire one of you writers! (Thanks for posting, Vince McMahon.)

  15. Lou
    February 25, 2010 at 4:42 PM

    *slow clap*

  16. February 25, 2010 at 4:53 PM

    Lmao, you rule Dr. Flex!

  17. What the Face?
    February 25, 2010 at 6:15 PM

    Hello Doc,

    I need advice from a medical expert. If I thought I could sell a piece of art, for let’s say around $3,000, that looks like my 6 year old drew with crayons or appears to be just spilled paint, would you suggest I visit to a mental specialist? Thanks. I must now get back to making Hulk Hogan’s plane crash on the way to Wrestlemani VI.

  18. Tamara Love
    February 25, 2010 at 6:43 PM

    This is 100x better than the last article Dr. Flex! It’s clever, filled with John C-isms, made me laugh A LOT and overall just one hundred percent enjoyable.

    You’ve managed to make a smoother transition to Dr. Flex than Johnny Nitro did when he became John Morrison. :P

    • jay
      February 25, 2010 at 8:22 PM

      Johnny Nitro was the only worthwhile idea of Eric Bischoff.

  19. Anonymous
    February 25, 2010 at 6:54 PM

    effin hilarious dude. loved it!

  20. meganon
    February 25, 2010 at 11:00 PM

    all hail dr flex! gritings prom d pasifik osyan!!!!!!!!!!

  21. meganon
    February 25, 2010 at 11:02 PM

    d pasifik osyan denizens P.O.D. (formerly kaientai) grit dr flex and canton! ahoooool atatatatama!

  22. Ozsmark
    February 26, 2010 at 1:51 AM

    Just a classic piece of writing. “will I ever receive my refreshing prize?” Comedy Gold!

    And Dr. Flex is the best thing to come from this whole Warrior debacle. You’ve converted me, doc.

  23. Anonymous
    February 26, 2010 at 5:38 AM

    Someimes wwhen you dance in the dark people will step on your toes.
    I’ve had toes bigger than jamboes.

    But I’ve never stopped fighting; I’ve never called home and asked for Mummy to ‘Come get me’.

    You get my point? Do you see what I’m saying?

    If you can’t stand in the waves, how you going to swim to the lions? And if the lions come calling and you can’t get to them, well shucks sugar tush, we all in a heep of trouble.

    TELL ME WAT DEN SWEETY PIE, TELL ME WAT DEN?

  24. jay to the r o c
    February 26, 2010 at 7:24 AM

    dr flex, you rock. john: you are great, hope the haters dont get ya down.

  25. Steve The Brain
    February 26, 2010 at 10:16 AM

    Was this all a work to repackage Johnson as Dr. Flex?

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